공허하다

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오늘 그런 느낌으로 일어났다.

i was listening to a lecture on personality chameleons and self monitoring only 5 hours before my worlds collided last night.

i guess i am highly self monitoring. i assess the situation that i am in, change and adapt. with ease. and that’s a good thing, or so i thought for so long until yesterday happened and for a few seconds there, my world(s) fell apart and i didn’t know what to do.

that was why i tried to justify him. because he must’ve not known how to act just like how i didn’t know either. and i wanted to be compassionate, and because i (thought i) knew him, i wanted to justify him but he didn’t even make an effort to justify himself. so i let him go and saved myself. (pats back). i think i’m just very confused about this relationship- and i’ve decided that i don’t like to be confused. because brains just generally address confusion as pain, and i don’t like to be in pain. it’ll be a lie if i’m not hoping that our paths will cross each other’s again in the future, but as of now, i’m going to give myself time to heal.

i watched this video by ASAPscience about why teenagers are so moody. just for fun, ya know. and something from that video struck me. they said that teenagers needed to fit in (in one way or another) because they inevitably reflect it as self worth. and i didn’t fit in. i went into puberty as a very sheltered child and came out with nothing but the shittiest idea of self worth. (< that in itself is shit because i went through A LOT during puberty). and i thought i was fine then, but now that i’m in my fourth year, i looked back and i can only imagine what kind of shitty self worth i had brought with me when i left high school. and i’m sorry to myself. i’m sorry that i not only do not have the will to save myself, i don’t have the ability to do so.

i promised that it’ll be different this time around when i fall in love. and even though it was only for a short time that i loved, it was different. it doesn’t go to say that i didn’t get hurt, i am very hurt right now. but i fulfilled my promise. it is different this time around. because i love myself more than i love anyone else, and that is how it’s supposed to be.

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