“if i kiss you now will you remember?”

everything happened so fast. i regretted smiling into the kiss. i didn’t want him to pull away but i was getting so weak in the knees i was scared that i would topple off and become a heap of mess on his feet.

in Behavioural Neuroscience i learned that the reward system relies on dopamine. it involves prediction errors, which is a term given to the difference between the actual price of a circumstance and your expectations. when the prediction error is greatly positive (i.e. when the actual price of circumstance is so much better than what you’ve expected), the brain will issue the release of dopamine transmitters and there will be a big spike in the dopaminergic system.

maybe that is the case with all drug addicts.

the second those words that i string so carelessly left my mouth, i immediately felt a wash of lukewarm. you know, that feeling like someone peed on you. and i feel like inhaling the air that i puffed out with it. i would swallow all my words back if i can.

it was 430 in the morning and the snow was falling slowly with the breeze in big snowflakes. the kiss itself wasn’t explosive or anything. it was nice and sweet, definitely what a first kiss should be. it’s honestly something that i’ve written about in one of my trashy (will-never-be-published) novels, but i realized last night that i probably never really knew how it felt until then.

and now i’m left in the most dangerous state of thinking back to the moment, recalling it, fragmenting it, slowly losing it in the process of recall until one day all i can see is the ghost of that memory. but it’s honestly very scary how something so gentle could claw itself so hard into the depths of my hippocampus.

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