(nov 4)

just a short post: i felt very disturbed during the two hours of class. it was post-colonialism Korean cinema and as soon as the class was over i bolted out. i didn’t even care about saying goodbye to my classmates i just had to get the hell out of there. maybe it was just me being too sensitive about it but it felt like i didn’t belong. i mean everyone must’ve felt like the stupidest person in the classroom at one point of their academic career, but i felt so intellectually insecure up to the point where i’m having thoughts that the reason why i am not, i guess, well-versed in accepting and absorbing the materials in class was because i’m not Korean. this is just a generalization on my part; not everyone in my class felt this sense of alienation of ‘not belonging’ but for me it was bordering microaggression. i hated today’s class.

(nov 5) update:

after writing that post i ranted a little more to Yusi who was having a fever. stopped to ask how she was and ranted a little more. i was an insensitive little bitch. she went home early (her cold probably worsened because of me) and i felt bad for complaining of my mental insecurities to a friend who is not even physically fit. after she went home, i decided i needed to calm down, stood up and drank a whole glass of ice cold water. shivering a little when i came back, i made myself do the weekly blog post for my other film course and was done in an hour. i realize two things while disciplining myself: first- time is unsympathetic. in the times that i was angry over something that now seems almost trivial, i could’ve gotten over that week’s blog post once and for all. second- i should be able to decide for myself how others will see me. sometimes you just have to amp up the confidence and set up your own definition of you. because other people will judge whether you like it or not, but i guess what you could do is to direct a little how it is that they’re going to judge you.

i felt so proud of myself.

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