swayed by “The Glass in the Park” by Alex Turner from his album Submarine on a quiet Friday early morning, i was still trying to get the earlier conversation i had with my friend out of my mind in order for me to get a good rest.
i didn’t know since when did this topic became a topic that i avoid, but there’s a part of me that felt really empty. and it felt like i just wanted to cry for that emptiness to be filled, but not just with anything, but with what used to be a part of me. i’m crying for it to come back- i felt really alienated sort of and it scares me how much that sense of alienation effects me.
intelligence have always been an identity to me. i’m not trying to brag, nor am i trying to prove a point, it was just is. my friends told me i’m intelligent, my parents did too, and my teachers did too, and at one point i just built myself upon that image of intelligence that i thought i have obtained and will always have. but to you little kids who have trespassed my blog, i’m telling you this right here right now: intelligence is a subjective relevancy that you can’t tamper with. if A has an IQ of 140 and B has an IQ of 128 then A is smarter. it’s just how the world works. of course, B can work its ass off and try as hard as it can to raise his quotient but B has to understand that A got it by nature, and he, by nurture. intelligence was a privilege i had from elementary all through high school, and a definition i’m grappling to hold onto in university.
that shattered me. at some point, if you’re not strong enough (and you’ll not be strong enough when you lose what you thought you were) you will break. and it will hurt, but now that i have went through it, it’s hard to admit that it was somehow necessary, but it was.
i have also always wanted to be a doctor since i was a small kid, but upon discovery that i have a fear of blood, followed my mom’s advice and resigned on thinking that i would even go to med school; and maybe i made the right choice. i love linguistics with all my heart and soul, but it would be a lie if i said i have never regretted not going into med school. i thought it was just a childish dream. after all, i’ve had that dream since i was four. but then i realize now how maybe a chunk of my brain, the aorta of my heart and half of my lungs might just be made of that dream of becoming a doctor.
i dont’ even know why i’m so upset about this. i’m a third year McGill student. I’ve made my choice, and there’s no way I can turn back now and do premed. but i am very upset to say the least, and all the what-ifs kept swimming in my head. sometimes i wished i could just muster up that little bit of courage that pushes me to still do premed regardless; and no matter how childish this post is, at 0253 in the morning i am a girl who is upset from the death of a dream that once defined me. very upset.