completely exhausted today… today was a hard first day of school. immediately three back to back courses, one of which is one and a half hour long, the others being one hour long each… and then another class after that which is two hours. and then there was the two hour meeting and location check, and then i was home and i still had to deal with a couple of email sending and research sentence thinking.
but even then i’m still finding the time to write because i’m scared i’ll forget. i’m trying to make a habit of this… of pushing myself to the limit. we’ll see how it goes.
anyways, in this post i’m going to talk about trust. well it’s also a lot about love… but not really. am i confusing you already? (;
i have never walked into this long distance relationship thinking it would be easy. thought about it, worried about it, and then thought about it again… i put A LOT of my time and energy thinking about a relationship that wasn’t even established then (which is what i always do if you haven’t noticed: to over-think) until i finally jumped the wagon and said: “okay. let’s try and do this.”
today’s our one month anniversary, and the relationship is still nothing but a seed. very tiny, almost invisible but slowly growing into what i hope is something more stable and certainly something stronger. but of course, there comes this thing called, quote on quote, trust issues. i think, looking back at how i’ve lived these past twenty years, i’ve been someone who generally just trust people- which is weird because both of my parents have trust issues and i know that… and i am the byproduct of them both, so why did they produce such a naive (sometimes overtly stupid) child? i’m not sure. i think it’s also because i have gotten used to wearing my heart on my sleeves, knowing that allowing myself to be vulnerable is one of the first steps for me to have the ability to love and to be loved back. but at times i can’t help but feel insecure, and i think this is usually what happens in every relationship. these thoughts of “oh he can find a better girlfriend.” or “she’s prettier than me…” or “she’s smarter than me…” or all these other useless shits that your brain shoves at your face because you know there’s always going to be people prettier than other people, or people smarter than other people.
but i’m actively trying to be in a mindset where i can openly accept all the possibilities with a ready heart. even if i hypothetically cannot trust anyone, i want to be in a mindset where i think: “i’ll try to trust him. if anything, he’ll be the only person i would trust.”
which might not exactly be healthy per se because humans under influence of the universe and all that is dynamic, can change… and he might turn out to be a jerk who betrays you and break your heart. but if that happens, you should just amp up the confidence and be like: “it’s your loss. i’m a pretty damn good girlfriend you fool.”
for now though, at least for now… i want to trust him.