and i thought i was over you; and i thought i have packed all the little dusty petty feelings i have for you in the nooks and crannies of my heart into a treasure box that i decide will not be precious to me; and i thought i will be strong enough to see you without crying but when i saw you again… i shattered.

i wasn’t done; my walls aren’t stronger than i thought it was; i didn’t know it was made of glass that pricks and tear at my muscles instead; but in the middle of my rage i realize again that it is (again and again and again) my fault. you are just naturally a heartbreaker, and it doesn’t matter if everyone says you’re the sweetest guy on earth, or if you are smart as hell with your 4.0 GPA in neuroscience, or if i find you good looking or just fucking perfect. you are the one who broke my heart, and i am still a bitter little snotty brat because i am not over you. as much as i am ashamed to admit it;

you don’t want me, so why should i still want you? i know these are feelings and that feelings are not really up to me–i’ve heard about it from everyone at this point; but i don’t fucking care how beautiful it is: the notion how the sea will always kiss the shore no matter how many times it is sent away, i don’t want to be that fucking sea. i don’t want to always come to you when you’re always pushing me away. i’m not mighty enough or confident enough or shameless enough to go back to the place where i wanted to run away from. i am not that sea, but that constant drip of water from a faucet that wasn’t closed properly. i am at that point where i can’t fulfill an expectation that is beyond me, even if i want to.

i know that liking someone is not a bad thing; i established that; i live that; i breathe that. but your girlfriend’s perfect, and i’m still meaty on my sides, and she’s not. in the midst of my insecurity, i backed away knowing that you’re happy, and telling myself that it is my godforsaken right to be loved like a chant. if we’re to meet again, who knows if i’ll actually try again, but as of this encounter, as of now… it was my pleasure to meet you. if these emotions were to come again, however, i’m not holding on to it. i will welcome it and let it through, because this too, will pass.



9 thoughts on “faulty

  1. This is just perfect. I swear everyone has this at least once in their life. I know I have, I just haven’t been able to get the right words down. However, you – my dear – have done it with such poetic grace and eloquence and heartbreaking beauty. I think you just wrote the experience for us all. Sending you millions of cuddles from New Zealand!

    1. darling, it felt like ages since i last heard from you (: how are you? it’s probably because you changed your URL that i didn’t recognize your blog/website. thank you for those kind words… i can always count on you for a little pick me up ~ thank you for visiting my blog as well (:

      1. Because it HAS been ages! It has been foreverrrrrrrr. I’m good though, life is pretty good! I can’t complain about anything. I’ve had the itch to create an entirely new blog with a new start so I did! It feels so good. No problem petal, everyone needs them sometimes! Can’t wait to read your blog again :]

  2. Aw, I know how it feels to hopelessly crush on someone no matter how much you tell yourself to stop liking him because it just isn’t right. I’m not gonna say that it’s gonna be over quickly or easily, or to just get over it. As a teen, I feel these things too. But you know what? You’re right. This will pass. So hold on there!

  3. Aw, I know how it feels like to hopelessly crush on someone and telling yourself not to like him. It’s quite miserable isn’t it? I feel this emotion sometimes, and it’s not easy to get over. Take this at your own pace. And you know what? You’re right. This will pass, so hang in there!

    I love your writing, by the way! Love the metaphors

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