and i thought i was over you; and i thought i have packed all the little dusty petty feelings i have for you in the nooks and crannies of my heart into a treasure box that i decide will not be precious to me; and i thought i will be strong enough to see you without crying but when i saw you again… i shattered.
i wasn’t done; my walls aren’t stronger than i thought it was; i didn’t know it was made of glass that pricks and tear at my muscles instead; but in the middle of my rage i realize again that it is (again and again and again) my fault. you are just naturally a heartbreaker, and it doesn’t matter if everyone says you’re the sweetest guy on earth, or if you are smart as hell with your 4.0 GPA in neuroscience, or if i find you good looking or just fucking perfect. you are the one who broke my heart, and i am still a bitter little snotty brat because i am not over you. as much as i am ashamed to admit it;
you don’t want me, so why should i still want you? i know these are feelings and that feelings are not really up to me–i’ve heard about it from everyone at this point; but i don’t fucking care how beautiful it is: the notion how the sea will always kiss the shore no matter how many times it is sent away, i don’t want to be that fucking sea. i don’t want to always come to you when you’re always pushing me away. i’m not mighty enough or confident enough or shameless enough to go back to the place where i wanted to run away from. i am not that sea, but that constant drip of water from a faucet that wasn’t closed properly. i am at that point where i can’t fulfill an expectation that is beyond me, even if i want to.
i know that liking someone is not a bad thing; i established that; i live that; i breathe that. but your girlfriend’s perfect, and i’m still meaty on my sides, and she’s not. in the midst of my insecurity, i backed away knowing that you’re happy, and telling myself that it is my godforsaken right to be loved like a chant. if we’re to meet again, who knows if i’ll actually try again, but as of this encounter, as of now… it was my pleasure to meet you. if these emotions were to come again, however, i’m not holding on to it. i will welcome it and let it through, because this too, will pass.