reciprocity

i went lady dining with my best girlfriend yesterday after my Semantics finals, eating our sorrows away (she was just done with her PoliSci Middle Eastern finals) and talking about getting over a guy over Indian food in a little quaint restaurant on St. Laurent. she also just recently broke up with her boyfriend, and our talk basically continued on until a little after dessert where we shared a slice of brownie and a hot cup of Americano.

i told her about how i’m at that tipping point of moving on, and that i can finally, finally, see the end now. i have always been someone who gets emotionally attached, and my attachment can leech off a person who does not even keep in contact with me however pathetic that sounds. and i have been basically swimming in that green gross toxic ever since, and this might sound like a crap of bullshit but i really had no control on it whatsoever. it was disgustingly paralyzing and as much as the ability of liking someone else is beautiful, and i was never embarrassed of it, nor did i regret it, i didn’t like how liking him seemed like a switch on default.

after coming home from dinner, i realize just how many people are spending their whole lives going to the empty well of a mother, a father, a sister, a friend or even an ex or a crush from whom they’ve never really moved on from, and i have been one of those people for what seems like the longest time now. it is that constant fight for approval, and the subconscious determination of not giving in because there is always that glimmer of hope inside of you, that one day they might look for you instead; and even after that, after the relationship is finally established, how much you’re going to give… how much you’re willing to give into that relationship. it was always that notion of being scared to lose that person of whom you have cried a river of tears to be in a relationship with; it was that poisonous cycle of “love me, please” that you’ll never really recover from once you start.

ultimately, i’ve decided that it all stemmed from the fact that as long as we’re people, and as long as we’re human, we’ll long for approval. it is hard to accept that a community you have invested in will never reciprocate back the equivalent of what is your time, energy and effort. i know, and i’ve learned it the hard way of just how much moving on is so much against human nature; and how gross of a word is ‘moving on’? in its very essence, it is a phrase that contains the highest form of condescension, unrequitedness and probable rejections.

i liked that guy enough to think that he is worth the embarrassment of confessing first, and enduring that one bitter year of hoping and hoping again that one day he can stop and look back, but he never did. it also got to the point where i refrained from telling anybody anything and kept it all to myself regardless of how it destroyed me inside like an exploding hindenburg because i don’t want them to look at me with pity, and simply because desperation is ugly. what i was really doing was chasing after someone who in reality will never slow down for me, and knowing full well the ungracefulness and imbalance of my attempt to be ‘good enough for him’, i spared my friends the trouble of having to raise their shoulders and cringe.

this may not be the end of it. i may be able to move on now, but i will not know how many more relationships and human connectedness i will hold on to despite my mental health and self worth, and it will be up to my own discretion on where i set my own limits and boundaries. this is why you should never convince someone to love you, because if they do, then there will never be a fight of who loves who more, or who loves who first; they will just love, and that will be the end of it.

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