milestone: learning to give up.

i wish feelings goes as fast as they come. it’s been a year… isn’t this enough?

he’s got a smart, beautiful girlfriend, i’m sure someone who suits him more than i do, and really i have no more business here; and like how we all make decisions, she was the one who he chose. it’s good that he knows what he wants, and i should be happy for him, even though what he wants isn’t essentially me.

however i feel so distant right now…. and lonely. and probably i would look back to this post a couple of years from now, married and with kids, and be like “i was a fucking idiot when i was 19.” but right now, this is the truth, and i cannot pretend that everything is okay.

i like him. i tried not liking him; i tried looking for distractions, i tried putting my thoughts elsewhere, but i miss him.

it’s funny to think that, right now, i don’t even know him, and he’s obviously taken, and i still have feelings for him. this is not me; at least this is not how i know myself, and i am scared because if he’s not going to make me a priority then i don’t want to make him an exception.

i know what i have to do, but it’s like that time when you have too many stuff to do at the same time that you don’t know where to start. i was angry when my first boyfriend dumped me for who used to be someone i regard as my best friend; and i swore from that point onwards that i  will never be that girl who comes in the middle of a relationship because getting who i want is honestly not worth hurting someone else’s precious feelings, and i have to honour my word for that now. i know that despite this, i will still be sad when he graduates in less than a year, probably even broken hearted when he leaves for conscription, and that i will be the only one who knows about this because who cares about the feelings of a girl who doesn’t even matter to the guy she likes. right?

if i don’t want my life to be a melodrama, i will have to learn to give up. i will have to learn to give him up.

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