stale meat

hello people… 20 days since i last wrote. i guess i finally need to accept the fact that i am not blogging everyday anymore. because i used to, and i don’t like to think that i was doing it just because the blog was new and was more exciting then, but maybe that was the case.

when i woke up this morning, i thought i wouldn’t blog tonight. what’s even sadder was i didn’t actually think about it at all. the blog just went forgotten unlike those days when i’m still so actively writing (ranting). but you know, i got blog notifications on my iPhone halfway throughout today and i remembered… your heartwarming comments were still the same then and now.

so i’m still not giving up. i don’t like to think not yet…. but it has reached a point where i can’t promise anything. i hate making promises i can’t keep.

anyways it’s summer now. back in Indonesia after an excruciatingly painful 33 hour long journey. my feet were swollen but they’re okay now, and i can finally fit back in to my shoes. i wonder if a journey can take longer than that. it can.

i am now alive and well. maybe too well. with my habit of refusing to weigh myself on the scale, i lost track. i must’ve gained at least 5 kilos when i was in Montreal, and maybe it is also time for me to lose a bit (a lot) of this chub. my grades aren’t exactly that great either, and the weird thing is i knew about it. i knew, and i didn’t do anything. and i didn’t do anything not because i can’t, but because i don’t want to. and i don’t know the reason why. so here i am, overfed, currently unemployed, confused with my academic career, and quite disappointed with myself. (not exactly how you want to feel in your summer break)

and in between all of that, how are you all doing? sometimes it bothers me how i decide to do things my own way. it’s obvious that i miss you people whom i only know and interact through my blog, and i miss telling stories and writing, but i never seem to find a way to solve the problem (which isn’t exactly a significant problem per se) i just let it idly sit there at the back of my mind. hence the disappointment. thus far, as far as ‘now’ concerns, i’m the laziest person i know and i hate that. i want to step up my game, in every way possible. i want to study harder, and work out harder, and practice piano a lot more, and write more, and imagine more, and dream more. and dream bigger.

it was as if those peoples’ words have gotten into me. “don’t be too hard on yourself.” they said. i know it’s a bad idea to be too hard on yourself, but not being hard at all is also a bad idea now i find. i guess i was trying to find the end of this… but now i think i know this will never end. if i don’t stop myself from not being hard on myself for any longer, i think i would just be a thick slab of meat with fat on my thighs and arms. unaccomplished, with a dream that died too long ago. that scares me.

i’ll try harder now. i’ll really try harder now. and for the life of me, i swear that these will not be just words.

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