it’s been a long time eh?
since we last conversed, i have done a midterm, went to a chinese new year party, had dumplings with my girlfriends and some other things that are now very good memories. had yet written about the ski trip (not even christmas) but i hope you guys hang in there because i’m slowly managing my life again and arranging it back to place.
anyhow, surprise, surprise… today i felt invincible. and to think about it, it wasn’t because of something good, not really. it can be relatively heartbreaking to some people, but i surprisingly enough found a way to look at it in a different light, in which i’m entirely grateful for.
exactly today at one in the morning, i confessed to a guy.
yes. this is the first time ever that i properly told a guy that i like him. it feels like a milestone when it shouldn’t, but nonetheless… it does. he just got back from a house party and even though he convinced me that he’s not tipsy, and that i’m actually the one who’s drunk when i barely had anything to drink, i just let him be.
the whole thing was so, again, suprisingly easy if not a little bit weird. ‘he’ was roaming inside my head ‘rent-free’ so i guess last night i was determined to ‘make him pay’ in a way that if i tell him, and if he knows that i like him, then i would not be the only one thinking about it. well, that was my logic. putting my pride aside (again for the nth time) and convincing myself that worse comes to worse i can just cry about it, i told him.
and it felt… liberating.
it was so funny because when i was telling him this, he told me that he had encountered this exact same situation with another girl and that it didn’t end well for the both of them. also telling me that it is not his ‘characteristics’ and he could be cold hearted sometimes… honestly speaking, i wasn’t really sure what he was trying to tell me aside from ‘no i don’t like you back’ which is completely fine and expected; but he was telling me even without me asking him to tell me all of that; and i just told him that i like him and that i am not expecting anything from him. i thought i made it clear… apparently not
see this is the thing that i’m so totally confused about, but at the same time, find funny. because i only wanted to let him know that i like him. does that have to imply to other things? it does not necessarily imply into me wanting him to be my boyfriend or even worse, sleep with him, which i find to be so stupid (this is Canada and the culture here is a lot more open than in the East, again, not implying anything bad to Canada because i love this country and it’s also probably because it’s university :/) all the while, he was finishing my sentences, and actually somehow, undermining my feelings.
so i went back, slept on it and woke up finding the whole thing so… amusing. and the thing is, even now, i’m still feeling embarrassed and hurt, and of course a little disappointed because in the end i am still a girl, and i do still have feelings, and this is the first time i’ve said anything like this to a guy face to face, but those things are easily masked by the accomplishments that i felt i have achieved. i’m actually feeling a whole lot better than what i originally expected. and now that i’ve mulled my thoughts over it, the reason why i think i’m feeling this exuberant is probably because the confession was first and foremost for me. it didn’t feel like a rejection because essentially i wasn’t asking for anything. and you’ll know what i mean if you’ve fallen for someone and feel that intense confinement that is utterly maddening. saying ‘i like you’ is in reality, so very liberating;
second, i have always wanted to prove myself wrong. i attended a workshop once and the speaker told me that we should hold on to our beliefs but try to prove ourselves wrong every single day. i have always believed that he is different from the others–but after yesterday, it’s not like he became a worse person than he used to because i know he is as good as a person he ever was even now, but at least now i know he also has his flaws. he can be a jerk and an asshole like most guys are when they are choosing to be arrogant and stupid and sometimes acting so repulsive you just want to swallow your tongue, but that’s not the whole point. the point is, i was able to know what he’s like–really see him and not the image of him that i conjure in my head, and actually understand and completely accept this situation.
i’m not trying to compliment myself or anything, but i am proud of being able to not only tell him that i like him, but to also understand the situation that i am in instead of acting like the foolish little girl i was these past few weeks. that is also one of the reasons why i haven’t been blogging (aside from being genuinely busy) but that’s another story altogether. bottom-line, the feeling that i have the strength to summon that much courage, that i do have the power to understand, and that i have the capability to be so much a human, but at the same time being accepting… that is a milestone to me. not the fact that i confessed, but the fact that i understood.
if you’re asking me how i feel right now, at this very moment… i do still like him. i have no control over these things… unlike some people who are capable of ‘stopping their emotions’–you have no idea how much envy i have for those people–i can’t do it. as of now, i’ll like him with less burden just because i know he knows that i like him or i’ll wake up one day realizing that i no longer like him and never will again (: