hey blog… it has been a long time since i last write to tell you how i’m doing— time has been a little unforgiving. i’ll be leaving in a week for college but i am a little less than excited.
it’s maybe because i don’t know how to feel. i don’t have any friends there, or any relatives, so i should be a little scared, but i’m not. and i’m not that excited to go either. i’ve always thought that when i go on long haul flights to go to a country entirely new to me i would be excited to pack, excited to go, excited to experience the new ambience of a new place, but i’m not all that excited. and what’s even weirder is that i wasn’t excited, not because i’d have to leave my family behind… if anything, i’ll be willing to go because i’d be alone for once.
who knows? i might regret saying this once i’m there (and we know that regret always comes last) when i get homesick and whatnot, but for now, i’m dying to go, but not for the right reasons. again, contrary to my prior beliefs, i thought leaving home would be hard, but at this rate, i’m not so sure anymore. lately things are not going well at home. lots of shouting and nagging, and my sisters teasing at each other and it was chaos. and it feels like mom’s always angry with me now and i don’t know why. i’m so sick of people telling me what to do all the time, and then if i actually stand up for myself, they’d pull out the guilt card, and i end up hating myself and also the people who caused me to hate myself.
plus, i’ve never told you this, but despite loving my sisters to hell and back, my sisters are closer to each other than they are to me. so more often that not, they like to gang up with each other, and whisper things about me; especially now that Anie has grown to be a teenager and likes to think that she’s all that when she’s not. it’s driving me nuts like literally.
maybe, just maybe… it will be a good thing to go. Raissa once said that she wouldn’t miss me anyway, just because i’m often with my laptop, doing stuff that i’m supposed to do instead of playing with her. so it’s probably my fault, but whatever. the rice has turned to porridge and my bags are packed. there’s nothing else left to do but to go.