hey baby blog.
i apologize for the late return. i know i know… i told you i’d come back sooner, but it turns out i have a couple of physical matters that i have to tend to first before i go back here and sort out my blogging stuff. the trip was… tiring to say the least. but ever so inspiring–i’m glad i went. i didn’t see any reason why i should not go. the camp might be beneficial, and since i’m going to go study so far away from my mom, she’s concerned with my random stomachaches–so she insisted that i go to a ‘self healing’ meditation camp. WARNING: this post might be a liiiittle too long. you know what i mean.
day one: they’re already mistaking me for a boy. my name is victoria, and people call me vicky for short here. but in Indonesia, vicky is a unisex name, and is most commonly used for boys–so of course, i was mistaken as a boy. that doesn’t matter anyhow, it’s just that i had to sit at the boy’s row during meditation. the worst part however, is having to sit your bum flat for close to 6 hours in the car, with no drink, and little to no food. this is because i had to wait for the one way route to open so that i can get to the place where the camp was held… as it is the holiday season now, i had to wait longer than the usual closing hours. not cool.
day two: let me just describe it in six words. OMG GET ME OUT OF HERE.
day three: after the second day was over, i had no more energy to rebel. think of this. i had to get up at 4.30 EVERY MORNING whilst i’m there, meditate from 5 AM to 6 AM, had about 8 sessions of meditation a.k.a sitting cross legged with your back ramrod straight, and one session of something called the ‘mindfullness exercise’. but the camp itself cost Rp 2,500,000, which is like $250. i’m not, under any circumstances, going to waste $250. on ANY circumstances. so i thought things might get easier if i program my body to go on autopilot for the rest of the week, and i did do that for like the whole morning, but when it comes to noon, i finally realize that you’re supposed to do the exact opposite of going on autopilot. you’re supposed to feel your body, feel your breath. feel it come in and out of your nostrils. it makes it a hell of a lot worse but i went through it Thank God.
day four: this is the day when you’re taught to feel your whole body. after being able to feel your breath and the distinct differences in each breath, you’re told to feel your limbs, muscles, bones, tendons, and… chakras. chakras are basically energy sources in the body for those of you who still clueless. it was, surprisingly, fairly easy for me. for each of the body parts that i had to focus on, i could feel a faint heartbeat. what’s even more bizarre is that sometimes the beat doesn’t match my real heartbeat. and i’m wondering where that ‘beat’ essentially comes from. for the chakras… i sort of feel something akin to a push and pull motion. can’t really describe it more than that. it was a confusing, yet exhilarating experience. everyone is said to experience it differently and at their own pace.
day five: the real ‘operation’ begins. we’re taught to self heal. the point here is to incorporate your breathing technique while focusing on your chakras and the points of your body that needs healing. the whole point of the meditation camp is to heal negative reactions in the body with a harmonized mind and a balanced soul. i didn’t believe it at first, but it really does work. and i’m not just saying this because i wanted it to work, but it really does work. this type of meditation can help you cure traumas you have in the past, or illness that you suffer in your physical body.
day six: we did the love meditation. my favorite. in the beginning of every meditation, we’re told to send our love to 12 different directions, but in this type of meditation, we concentrate more on sending out love instead of fixing the body. it’s the most touching of all the meditation. sometimes you know you’ve inflicted pain on someone else that you actually care about, but don’t really get the chance to solve the problem away properly with them before it was forgotten and the both of you moved on. sometimes you’re hurt, and had to deal with it the hard way. this meditation helps me to overcome these unfinished businesses, and help me heal properly.
day seven: got home safely. it was so nice to meet my mom and my two little sisters 😀
so i guess you can call this meditation camp sort of like an operation process. the breathing meditation is the preparation stage. the healing meditation is the actual operation. and the love meditation is the recovering stage. but i do have to tell you this. i experience my body transforming into an old granny’s body on the third – fourth – fifth day of meditation. i mean, not in the ageing and wrinkling sense, but i was terribly sick those days. it’s like you have wind in your body that you can’t quite get rid of…. your body feels cold, in my case, i got a headache, and it’s like my whole innards were being stirred. and i wasn’t allowed to take any meds. oh man was i not allowed to take any meds. the guides there told me that it was fine, and that it was even expected. then i realize that everyone in the room weren’t looking so well either. and people were shamelessly burping in the meditation room so i was like: okay~ but if this all means i get to know my body better, know myself better, and even heal some past (small) traumas that i didn’t realize i had, then it was well worth the struggle and the nausea. we were taught that some disease can be caused by our emotions, and i completely agree with that statement. it might seem ridiculous at first, but when you really think about it, it’s actually logical, and can be scientifically explained. like for example, when you’re angry, or mad, or upset, whatever, your body will automatically gain heat. and the organs inside your body rely on stable temperature, or else it might result in some unwanted disease–that really is just one example of the hundreds that i learnt in this camp.
i attended someone’s first birthday once–it was all very fun witht he balloons and the party hats and everything… i was ten. and i remembered the MC asking the mother of the child what she wanted her child to be when he grows up. she told him that she wanted her child to be a doctor. i turned to mom and told her i wanted to be a doctor, but i can’t, because i get all dizzy when i see blood. she said she didn’t wish for me to be a doctor when i grow up. when i asked her what she wanted me to be, she said that she wanted me to just be a good person. but what is good? that was what she forgot to mention. i didn’t know her definition of good, so i had to find that out for myself in the early days. my thought then: well that’s easy. i’m already good. (lol) i mean, i’m a good kid. i’m stubborn, yea, but i don’t usually waste my energy on rebelling when i don’t really find the need to. i get straight A’s, i join these extra curricular activities, i help do the chores, help my sisters with their homework… i’m a good daughter and a good sister. but this meditation camp showed me just how wrong i was.
i’m an evil person. like literally. there is this 14 negative reactions to a human and i possessed all of it.
but i want to change. it might be hard, but i want to be the good person that my mother wished for me to be when she celebrated my first birthday. this camp gave me a clearer definition of what is good, and also make me realize of my own body parts that i didn’t know were there. like some parts of my back, i just sort of ‘realize’ them when they hurt so bad, it’s like: “wow, i didn’t know thatthat’son my back.” but maybe that’s just me.
anyways, enough of my long long long long post. i had flu when i get back and was too tired i flop around like a drunk bunny for 2 days, hence the late return. i hope this long post somehow makes up for an apology.
see you when i see you.
p.s. i’m calling the post oxygen. because i was ‘breathing’ a lot during meditation camp, it’s crazy.