“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become…habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. And watch your character, for it becomes your destiny! What we think we become. My father always said that, and I think I am fine.”
Margaret Thatcher – The Iron Lady
i am not feeling well.
after what just happened yesterday, and also standing in the middle of a drizzle this morning for the sake of a single flag ceremony, my head is splitting, both because of the troubling thoughts and i guess, my body’s just not doing so well today.
but i want to be okay.
i never took notice of it before, but mom once said to me that i’m her feistiest daughter. i have always been a good girl (mainly by choice), but she admitted that when i phase into my rebellious stage from time to time, she’ll be most concerned. “you never take things as they were. you never let things limit you.” and i never thought about it, and even now that i think about it i still don’t understand a big portion of what she’s saying. but through my own observations… my sisters, if they’re hurt, they’re hurt. if they’re sad, they’ll cry–and i tend to do the opposite of that.
i’m apathetic when i’m hurt. that’s my healing stage. i cry only when i am upon impact of what is hurting me, but afterwards, i’ll stay apathetic. it’s like turning off the feeling switch in your brain and just numb all senses. to be completely honest, it’s like challenging pain. i’m not quite comfortable with how that sounds, but being apathetic is somehow challenging whatever it is that brought me pain.
so i’m not okay now. but i’m going to try my damn hardest to make myself okay. i’m not going to sit here and do nothing and just cry and spend the whole month, basically, mourning.
i never knew why i did what i did. or why i felt like i need to do what i did. i just did it. you know? because i always have been a love-give-all type of girl. whether that’s a strength or a weakness, i still don’t know. but despite feeling like i have sacrificed every inch of my pride, i’ll earn it all back. because a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, right?
i will be alright.