i run. i’m out of breath. stitches are forming underneath my ribcage

all i see are walls. all i smell is rust, and blood, and more rust. the smell of iron and salt.

my footsteps echo along the halls of a seemingly unending system. it’s like there is always room to run, but nowhere to hide. out of fear and frustration, i began to cry. long strands of stress and desperation flowing freely down my chubby cheeks that i tried so hard to get rid of. as if exposed to every aspects of negativity, my ears rung in warning and my tongue felt raw. rejected, ignored, under pressure.

i kept running and what was the aorta turned into small branches of capillaries. what’s worse, claustrophobia came chasing. scared, but having the need to run away from everything, i crawled inside the suffocating tubes, trying to go as fast as i can, pacing the thin surface with my palms until it felt raw. i heard the scream and i flinched, hairs rising at the nape of my neck. this is madness. this is driving me crazy. i cannot go over this.

what seemed to be escape was just another series hallways, designed to trap me in further.

running, running still, the first glimpse of despair came dripping from the dead peeling cells. washed through with a vague sense of uncertainty which was numbing, i tried desperately to dry my tears with the heel of my hands. i hate this feeling. i hate it! i hate the silence and the fact that it screamed loudly in my ears.

but what to do? i cannot cry. out of breath, i fell to my knees, and didn’t have the heart to get up again, to move on. so i gave in. i cried and cried until the first of the grief came licking up my spine and into the anterior part of my brain. the thing that i have been running away from for so long has finally caught up. i give up. i give in. i have had enough.

because there is no way out.


2012(c) Victoria Rahardjo
please do not take without my consent.




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