hey honey b~ i’m back.
i was late for today’s mass 😦 merely because of the engaging conversation shared with my dad, mom and sisters over breakfast. but i still enjoyed today’s mass. it was about the three types of love. something that i have read before, so i didn’t actually miss out on a lot.
today is a
pretty tough day. it was emotionally draining. i remember almost crying a couple of times today because of anxiety and desperation. (hence my previous post) i needed something to channel my frustration and so i wrote.
it’s funny how things catch up with you. today, mom chattered endlessly about university requirements, credit transfers, tuition fees… endlessly. i guess the fact that i have already been accepted to two universities doesn’t matter, because there will always be more things to inquire about and more information to find, etc. etc. and then my love life (i always have the urge to laugh when i say those words out loud. they are just hilariously ridiculous) took its toll. until this historical day, March 18 2012, that i finally said i have had enough. after ten months of enduring a long distance, indifferent, unrequited love, it is time to put an end to it. because for me, the butterfly-in-my-stomach kind of feeling were never caused by butterflies. it’s more likely caused by a stomach churning, flab pinching, horde of venus fly traps huddled in my stomach, growing in the midst of sloshing hydrochloric acid and proteolytic enzymes doing its job. i know i’m exaggerating, but that is more or less how it feels.
mom always says that everyone, no matter how rich or how poor they are, will have their own cross to carry. a responsibility which is only their own, that will remain unsolvable if we don’t, at the very least, attempt to solve it. because no matter how many dark chocolates i ate, or how many ELLE magazines i bought… no matter how many baths i took or how many drops of Dior Miss Cherie i put on my pulse points to help me calm down, i’m not going to calm down.
so i thought, maybe the best way is to be honest with yourself. that i am flawed in every possible way, and that i make mistakes, make a fool out of myself, but at least i’m doing something with my life. i’m trying to move on. because almost everyone knows that medicine is never a nice thing to swallow (except those cherry flavored cough syrups. i love those 😉 ) , and you may hate how it taste on your tongue, but it makes you feel better.
and it’s always good to put your head on your hands and sigh from time to time. to remember the people who are less fortunate than us. who are struggling with drugs, mourning for the loss of a child, fighting to maintain a marriage in the brink of divorce–anything that is obviously harder than what we’re going through. and then it will come to me how insignificant my problems are, and how i should still be grateful that i’m alive, and i’m okay.
it is only now that i know i shouldn’t pray for lighter problems that wouldn’t do much damage to my body and my sanity… but to pray for stronger shoulders that could help me carry heavier burdens that i might not be able to carry in the first place.