i understand.

It’s mom. It’s mom again.

i’m so tired. so much that this will not even be a rant post. it’s slowly going to be something that i go through on a daily basis.

you asked me if i understand what you’re talking about, and it might sound alien to your ears, mom, but i do understand what you’re saying. just like how i understood all the words that you said before that. you don’t care if i hate it when you shout at me, or even if your words hurt me, and i’m beginning to accept that.

i always tried to make you proud of me but i guess everything’s overruled. the scholarships and awards and straight A’s never did mean much to me. just so you know. they were always for the both of you, so that you at least have something to be proud of from me, and also so that i have a bigger chance of paying less in university. because that’s the only thing that i’m capable of really… studying, and getting good scores. without that, i’ll just be the ‘ungrateful child’. sometimes i like it better when we’re together in the crowd, in front of other people. only then will i see that you’re truly happy for me. otherwise, i think you’ll only think good of me when you’re in the mood, when you really want to.

i can be apathetic and obedient if you want me to. i can go to my healing zone and never come back. it doesn’t matter if i cannot go with my friends on a farewell trip, it doesn’t matter if i have to use my no battery lap top until i work and have enough money to buy myself a new one. i don’t mean to be a brat who lives a jet set life and eat away all of her dad’s money. but please don’t claim to know everything and say that i don’t love dad. because i do, so much, and you know nothing of it.

if only you could attempt to see and understand it from my side. i just did what i can do. if going on a trip was too much to ask, then it’s okay. you don’t have to make me guilty, or raise your voice or call me ungrateful. because i’ll already accept it even before you asked me to. i’ll always understand. just how i’ll always do.

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