you know what? i don’t even know what this is about anymore. it’s the weirdest thing ever.
i just had a perfectly good breakfast with mom, and she started talking about my sister. she said that she stands out from her friends in all her awkward ways. and i think so too~ i told her that. she began talking about how she made lots of connections at the cricket competition yesterday, and i agreed– i told her that i once had to find sponsors for a school event and found that i made connections that are useful for me now, so it’s good that my baby sis is starting to build up her network. because it really is our network and connections that will help us to succeed later on. really~ i’m happy for Anie and i clearly remembered saying: “good for her!” good move? WRONG. i thought she’s trying to engage me in a serious conversation and that it would do her good for me to response with something more than just a nod. my mistake. i’d know better next time.
all of a sudden, she started talking —attacking me more like– about how i am comparing myself to her and bringing her attention only to me. i’m utterly and completely confused. i don’t know what she’s talking about and what is it about what i said that she finds ‘troubling’ because i certainly find none. and then she continues on about how everyone has their own specialties, how i am insecure and how she cannot have a conversation with me without having to bring up ‘me’ in the conversation.
so i ask you this: what is your natural response when someone is talking to you seriously? you reflect on yourself, right? not necessarily comparing yourself to them, but since ‘you’ yourself is the compilation of the things that you’ve learnt, you resource from yourself. you talk from your own experience.
and frustratingly, i don’t know how i’m supposed to tell her this. she cuts me off countless of times when i try to explain to her (like how she always does) and starts babbling about psychology and babbling more about my insecurities–bottom line, she ruined my breakfast. oh please, mom herself said that Anie and i are different from each other yet she refuses to believe when i say that i am NOT trying to compare myself to her. we are so different from each other that it gets downright ridiculous trying to compare her with me… and the funny thing is, she, my mother, out of all the people who have claimed to know me, should know that i don’t like to be labeled, i don’t like to be compared with, i don’t like that people say they know me when they don’t. what she just did was label me as a person who likes to compare herself with her sister, label me as someone who’s insecure but in turn accused me for labeling myself (?) see how confusing this gets?
so here’s the deal. i am not trying to compare myself to anybody. i hate it when anybody compares my intelligence to the smartest person at school, or my body to one of the skinnies; mom and i were just having a perfectly normal conversation until she decidedly attacked me, and guess what mom? i maybe insecure, but saying that i am won’t help me get better. nice try though. oh~ and one more thing. please be fair. i know dad may get tongue tied every time you get into an argument with him but you can’t get away that easily with me. i’m a stubborn 17 going on 18 teen who has a healthy dose of smartass-ness in her. i am wrong in most occasions, but i know when i’m right.
so i did what i deem was necessary. i stood up from my chair, took my coffee cup, say that i don’t understand anything that she’s trying to say–whether she’s trying to imply that i’m self centered and egocentric or that i don’t have enough confidence in myself, i don’t know— and walked up stairs. i don’t even bother explaining anymore, or even shedding a tear for this nonsensical argument.
so here’s to mothers all around the world: your kid respects you. some may not, but a lot of them do. and i know that it may be an act of mental suicide sometimes to reflect on yourself and admit it when you’re wrong but please do so. we are kids, it will not strip our dignity away to admit that we still have a lot of the world to see and experience. we make mistakes, but it won’t do to accuse us wrongly when we know we’re right. it just confuses us. so for the sake of children, or teens, or young adults or whatever, admit it when you’re wrong. because if a term ‘best friend’ is at all in my social vocabulary, my mom is my best friend. but if this is going to continue, if mornings such as this repeat itself, she will not be that for long.
sorry for the lengthy post. it may sound a little ridiculous but as i said it: it was the weirdest thing.