what hurts the most.

It happened again b~

I know I’m right and that she shouldn’t have treated me that way. I stood up for myself and it felt liberating. But once the last syllable left my lips the roles reversed. Somehow my consciousness just have to let me know that I’m the bad guy now. It’s like opening the Pandora box. The grief and injustice that I feel is better locked inside the box. Even though it feels good to open the box and let it all out, that feeling doesn’t last forever.

Because the fact is… I don’t have friends. I have two sisters who whisper among themselves, I have friends that don’t understand how much a hug means to me, and I have a mom who only comes to me when she needs to fill out applications. Dad is out of town most of the time, and unfortunately teddy can’t speak.

It’s lonely here… And the funny thing is I’m never alone. I want people who comes to me because they want to, not because they need me. Not because they need to cross check home works. Not because they want me to do something for them. It’s tiring for me to constantly find someone to accompany me when deep down I know they’d rather be somewhere else, with some other friends. Because if this all doesn’t change, I’ll always be that girl who sits at the bus alone during excursion trips and the one who is excluded from all the ‘sister discussions’.

Even worse, they’re never the ones with the problem. As I took a shower this morning, I finally realize that it’s me. I expect too much, and let’s face it. I’m not the most exciting person on earth. Knowing that I may not have a best friend scares me. Feeling that I might not meet a best friend even until the day that I die… That’s what hurts the most.

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9 thoughts on “what hurts the most.

  1. I know how you feel. I have been there. Having one best friend isn’t the answer: i had one and we had good times but then we started fighting over stupid things all the time and eventually we drifted apart. Now she’s dating my ex-bf, which i can never forgive (long story) and we no longer talk.
    I have a few close friends who i hang out with, and i’m glad, even though there’s 4 of them, they are all different and all accept me for who i am. Yes, there are times when i feel like they would rather be with someone else, but they have stuck by me during hard times and so i know they will always be there for me.
    There are more of us people out there than we realise, it took me seeing a counsellor to realise i’m not the only one who feels so out of step with the world. You’re not the only one sitting in your room alone, wondering why the world ignores you when you’re screaming for help.
    Maybe you should see a counsellor, they at least will listen when you need to talk. I find that writing everything down helps too.
    I try too hard to make things work, and now i know to just relax and let things be what they want to be.
    Hope this helps you, and i’m here if you want to talk at all. Some of us do care.

    1. lol! i also had an ex-boyfriend cheat on me with my ex-best friend. i guess you cannot judge a person by their looks huh? but then again, we’re friends now, she and i. i moved on πŸ˜€ i can think about it now like it’s nothing.

      and i mean, i have friends, a small bunch of them, but do you know that feeling where some are closer to another? it’s like you’re friends, but you cannot really show yourself to them.

      hmm~ i don’t like counseling. i prefer just talking when i feel like i want to. it feels like you ‘have’ to say what troubles you to a counselor, you know? maybe it’s just me, but i’d rather write on my blog and say the things that i want and keep the things that i want hidden rather than talk to a counselor. makes me feel safer, in a way.

      but thank you for your suggestions and comment! πŸ˜€ it’s nice to know that you’re not alone.

      1. Yeah, i had friends at school who turned out to be two-faced and hurt me by talking about me to others behind my back. I know who to trust now. And actually, yeah i didn’t tell the counseller everything that was in my head, i guess there are some things which can never be shared.
        Take care! πŸ˜€

  2. That first paragraph resonates so much with me. I’ll stand up for myself only to realize I regret saying anything at all, because i seem to be punished for it.

    As far as friends go, maybe you just haven’t met the kind of people YOU really want to be friends with.

    Be true to yourself.

    1. it’s good to know that someone can relate ^^

      lol! yeah, maybe you’re right. i myself am not sure about anything right now.
      thank you for your opinion and comment πŸ˜€ i’ll put it into perspective.
      see you ard!

    1. hey~ who is this? it’s obvious that you know me, but i don’t have an inkling as to who you are πŸ™‚ well, i can be such an ungrateful brat at times… but i know what i’m talking about. what i have to constantly remind myself is that people will come and go in your life whether you want it or not πŸ™‚

      thank you for commenting ~ see you ard.

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