heavy day today. a mentally heavy day.
okay, i love my friends. let me just get that out of the way. i love them, i really do. they’re awesome and i doubt i’ll ever find friends like them ever again. but sometimes they do tend to overestimate my… self-control. so let me get this straight. i can get angry. i can go nutso and go bleh~ i can absolutely, absolutely do that. it’s just that i choose not to, because in between my psycho i’m-always-guilty problem and my they-don’t-deserve-the-lecture belief, i’d rather spare myself from feeling bad as well as avoid the drama. it’s my last year in high school (just 5 more months to go to be exact) and i don’t want to feel like i did something wrong.
but please. i don’t enjoy when people throw things at me (even when they think it’s a joke)–it may be a joke but to some certain extent. if you go too far, i can and might as well hit you with my eraser. sometimes (in my very very bad day) i don’t enjoy the constant mockery, and i do want stuff that are private to me to stay… well, private. i am at the moment having a big big crush at someone, but you don’t have to expose it to the world, or to the whole school, or post my crush’s name on the class wall or windows to get them noticed by people. do you know the word ’embarrassment’? even if you can’t feel embarrassment, i can, and yes, i do mind.
what bothers me even more is when sometimes people expect me to be okay with whatever they’re doing to me when they couldn’t be okay with whatever it is that i want to do to them. and then they say “my friends haven’t always been there for me.” so isn’t that supposed to be my line? if you talk and act like you don’t care, then you better stay that way. or else you’ll get hurt, because my personality is my own, but my attitude is what you get when you treat me badly. everyone do that, right?
so that’s that. even if i don’t give silent treatments doesn’t mean i can’t be mad or hurt or sad. and i don’t even know if this is supposed to be a self-control test or anything but a joke is a joke as long as it stays that way.
enough is enough.