i’m sad. and somehow a little frustrated how this subject has to be dealt with again and again, at least on my side.
i don’t usually care if someone say that i’m reaching too high trying to be number one. in my head, i usually assume that they themselves never tried to be number one… or the first, or whatever it is you want to call it. because they don’t know how tiring it is to always want to be number one. believe me, i know because i tried. and let me tell you this: it’s a hell of a work trying to always be number one. so i stopped trying, because it really didn’t matter.
it wasn’t really like snapping. i didn’t lose it, but i was well aware of it. and no, it didn’t give me the bad mood or anything, (even though people mistake it for that)… tbh, i stayed silent because i’m so sick of it that i needed to get this done and over with. so i thought about it. i thought about it like a prisoner trying to escape from Alcatraz.
so get this. i like to be called hardworking, but i will not die if i stop studying. on the contrary, i hate studying. it’s learning that i love. and the only reason why i’m studying so much right now is because i need to ace my TOEFL, SAT, and ACT and if that is not enough, i need that goddamn 4.0. when you make a promise to love yourself more, you don’t easily forget about it. i’m trying so hard because i want to get to a good university. is that so wrong?
have it occurred to any of you that i study harder because i know that my capabilities are way under what you guys are capable of? and the implication that if-i-don’t-study-i’ll-be-stupid didn’t really matter to me because it’s true. and i’ve accepted that fact.
so even though i’m flattered when people compare me to Christina Yang from Grey’s Anatomy (tbh, i’m not sure if that is even a compliment or not), i’m not. don’t get me wrong, i love Christina. she rocks! she’s one of my favorite characters in Grey’s anatomy… but i’m not like her.
all i want to do is to graduate high school with a good score, go to a good university, write a lot, publish best selling books, be a successful writer, and later on, i want to have a beautiful family, with three children and whatnot, with a loving husband that will say that i look better than spongebob no matter what. just that. i just want to be the best that i can be, not be someone who always aim for number one and be a totalitarian leader and rule the world.
i just hope that people will understand. sometimes, when you’re stamped or branded as something or someone for so long, you get tired of it. you just… want to drop the mask and show that it’s not you that they’re judging.
alas, that is just not possible. you know what’s sad about knowing that life is unfair? you get disappointed anyway because you thought it would somehow be different.