0.02

you know what blog? i didn’t blog yesterday to spare you from all the wicked nasty rants that i could say when in reality, today was 10 folds WORSE than yesterday.

one of the crappiest days of my life, undoubtedly.. and all just for a math and physics score gone TERRIBLY wrong.

i don’t understand. what did i do wrong? someone received a full score for Physics. another got 92% for math. and i got a freakin’ 75% and a 60% something that i don’t even dare calculate. and there i was thinking: what the hell is wrong with me?

and you might be like: well, she passed. what’s all the fuss about? why is she fussing about the grades that she’s getting? why can’t she just chill and enjoy the one life that she have?

no, i’m not surprised, and yes, on the contrary, i contradict myself with those questions as well. the fact is… i pass. with a horrendously UNSATISFYING score, and damn me for being a perfectionist, but i am and i’m making such a fuss of the math and physics grades that i’m getting because it’s going to account for the transcript that i wish might get me into a good school, and no, the only way i can ‘chill’ when i get a 60 something is when i get that score in a subject taught in Harvard, and i’m never going to get into Harvard so that is out of the question.

you know, a reason out of the zillions that i have for somewhat disliking an arranged counseling session with a psychologist is because i just cannot accept the fact. i can accept criticism, but not so much of the fact that out of the scale of 100, i’m naturally born with only 2 for my logical thinking. so apparently there is like this test that can find out what you’re good at naturally from birth, and really, i’m not at all surprised to know that i’m not good at maths. it’s the number that i’m so shocked about. 2/100. not a 20, a 2!! that’s 0.02 out of all that my brain is made of. i cannot even imagine someone having a lower capacity than mine. that will just suck so bad.

maybe i’m going to get an early period, or maybe it’s just me, but i was sulking terribly at school, and i feel so deeply sorry for my friends that just have to be the victims of me being an ill-tempered b*tch. i know that it’s not their fault, and i have no reasons for acting that way in front of them, but i lost it. what is so wrong with me? i refuse to acknowledge that 0.02 as it can just go to h*ll.

so there. to put it in the simple way, i want to count complicated stuff, and i can’t. and what’s ironic is that my friends stamped me as an overachiever (which i despise) when i turn out to be just a fake overachiever. a failing one, which is even worse.

i tried so hard, and this is what i get.

so here’s what i think…

f*ck it. 

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