already broken, already gone…

i cried.

of course i cried.

and throughout the day, i continued to curse myself. i am stupid.

after that beep went off, and i grappled my mobile to see those 3 words, my mind went blank.

i know all along that i’m going to get hurt. and so through the days that i have stopped myself from talking to him, i’ve built my wall. i prepared myself. so it’s not the knowledge that hurts me. i guess what triggered the churning stomach was the confirmation. that yes, all along, i’m the only who felt like this.

one sided love. i always want someone whom i cannot have, so this is not something new to me. but the hurt startled me just the same. subtle, but fresh. poisoning every crack of my skin.

maybe a little tinge of humiliation, and his ignorance… it made everything worse. but then i find myself thinking… don’t you think it’s better that he doesn’t know? wouldn’t he be confused? wouldn’t he have to go through all of that trouble of talking to me which will make me feel even guiltier? (if that is even possible)

and maybe, what will hurt more is that if he thought i was just this ridiculous, love strucked, high schooler who cannot differentiate a fling and love. but i stand my ground. it wasn’t a fling. at least not for me. for him? maybe it wasn’t even a fling. maybe he thought of us as ‘only friends’, which i should have done as well. stupid stupid stupid.

i’m running around here and there, getting my heart broken while he kept his cool.

so he has a girlfriend. and he’s far away. i guess my journey ends here.

and when all the shock resides, and there are no more tears to cry, the self righteous is self pitying herself. a double loser.

“already broken, already gone, already know you’re moving on, i’m a breathing, talking, dead man walking… already seen it in your face, already someone in my place, i’m a breathing, talking, dead man walking.”

i’m not okay. not for now… but i will be. i have to be.


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