just found out pretty recently that everything that is done, everything that happens needn’t a reason. ‘why’ is probably the hardest question anyone’s ever asked me. why have you done this? why did you do that? why?

i don’t get to say what i want as easily as i write them. and i know that. and now i’m even asking myself if i’m crazy. like really crazy, not like, jokingly crazy. crazy as in mentally ill. maybe this might just be a natural spur of the moment thing for people who are feeling like they’re shit at that time, and maybe, just maybe, i will laugh it off when i’ve sleep on it, calling myself ridiculous and old for being sensitive about things. but i’m now asking myself… have crazy people thought about how other people in general perceived them as crazy? how do they feel when other people are calling them ‘mentally ill’ when they think that they are not. just because the majority thinks that way doesn’t mean that the minority are mentally ill because they have a different perspective.

but maybe i’m just having an attitude problem. maybe i’m just self righteous and all that crap. maybe i do have trouble. and maybe, it’s true that my parents are trying to get me to see these problems and are trying to get me to receive these criticisms that they’re belting out at me.

but the thing is, i will always have the urge to cry every time that they ‘confront’ me. i’ve obviously lost practice back in the days where i didn’t cry even when the most hurtful things happen. because to be honest, i like how i turned out to be. i like how now i can manage myself, or so i thought… and maybe what hurts me most was how when i thought i’m turning out okay, my parents can still find the fault in me and is not proud of me. so yes, maybe i do feed off pride. and i do feed off confidence for lacking them in me. but then again, i’m overconfident, as people have told me… so that’s just one other thing i have to think of.

god, i’m horrendous.


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