hi blog…. it’s been a long time since i last wrote pieces of nonsense huh?
but this morning, i got up and ate macaroni and cheese, a banana and had some coffee, even though i knew that the caffeine will not affect me in the slightest. i played June- Barcarolle for a while and walked up the stairs to check up on my SAT scores. it was now when i’m done showering and applying perfume that i think of running away. just like that. and so i thought of blogging about it, with Just A Kiss on repeat.
maybe it’s just about the impulse of the moment of an emotionally unstable teenager–or maybe i’m just tired of this routine. i checked twitter, he hasn’t replied to my tweet. i checked facebook, he’s not online. i visited SAT insight and still have no clue why i get that ‘dung’ of a score. and i realize then and there how my life is affected by the numerous variables that i cannot control. how i can be so incandescently happy when he gave me more than just a one word response and how devastated i can be when i know i’m STILL failing at math or when he chose not to answer to my tweets. and now i’m actually questioning if it’s love or life that’s the fickle one… out of all the boys that i can fall for, i fell for him.
it’s a very insignificant surge of thought that is ever growing stronger. the thought of actually deactivating my facebook account, my twitter account, leaving my blackberry at home, and gather all the money that i have in my bank account and go somewhere faraway. Prague, maybe. and i would just write, and idk… paint? and then i would sell them on the way… i would travel on pick up trucks and just enjoy walking in the rain when it does rain. and then i think how my imagination can be so liberating, and how appealing everything sounds. but what if it doesn’t go to the way i plan it to be? i watched Sucker Punch yesterday night, alone, when everybody was asleep, and there’s this character named Rocket who fled from home, looking for freedom, when her plan actually backfired and she ended up in like this institution for the mentally insane when she’s not even crazy.
maybe freedom is just something we can only pursue. you know, like happiness? or maybe i’m just thinking too much like i always do. or maybe, i’m just basing all of this theory of mine with flimsy assumptions which is why it’s always ‘maybe’. maybe i should just stop this post altogether and just bring it to an end before it confuses me further. what i know for sure is that i’m tired of the high expectations that should be expected in order for me to grow, and it doesn’t help that i’m constantly starving for perfection… the perfectionist that i am. *sigh*
and this nonsensical post has finally come to an end. until then blog…. when i regain my sane thoughts.