it is indeed SUNday. it is very hot. >< i swear i might get dehydrated if i’m not drinking loads… i’m sweating profusely even after taking a bath, which is gross, but true.
so it was when i was inside my room… i had the blinds covering my window and had the AC on (thank goodness for ACs!!) and was just done editing an episode of a drama when i decided to visit some of my friends’ blogs. read entries of them and thought it through the whole afternoon, thinking about how people’s lives actually orient on a very similar pole and how all of us are just human. but it’s not after it rained, and i was in the car on my way home from printing my sister’s pictures that i’ve decided to blog about it.
it’s like the world is filled with people wearing masks. a facade to help you get through your everyday life unscathed. some people opt for a strong persona. someone who looks unbreakable, invulnerable, and untouchable just so that they are feared by others. some may want to look weak–they feed on sympathy and count on protection from others who are ‘stronger’ than they are. and i’m not blaming them for that. i do realize that i sometimes do wear my own mask. even to those who are closest to me. for example, when i feel like i need to stay strong for my mom, i would wear my no fail tough mask and walk around like nobody can ever hurt me.
it’s just sometimes very hard to be bare faced. i think the analogy goes the same way with having a favorite movie. personally, i don’t want other people to see my favorite movie (at least, not with me) because i’m scared that they might not appreciate it the way i appreciate that movie. i’m scared that they might not like it as much as i do, and basically, not give the movie justice. i’m terrified that they’ll be pointing the bad side of the movie and would in turn alter my judgment. everyone must have their own good judgment towards their own self, they’re just scared that other people will look at them and go: “you’re not all that, you know…”
but in some cases, the mask fall off. they get broken, they’re damaged and they’re stepped over, either accidentally or purposely. and then we will go through a period of breaking down for the fear of not getting accepted anymore and the dreaded insecurity washes over us.
i’m still growing, and the thing about life is that i take tests first before i actually learn the real thing. and i keep convincing myself that it’s okay to make wrong decisions. to fall in love with the wrong person, get your heart broken to pieces but then realize that even though your heart is in shreds, it’s still beating for the sake of it and is healing with time. it’s true that some scars stay on forever, and that you’ll always have a grey patch here and there from where you’ve erased your mistakes, but that is experience in its true form. experience is the grey patches you have in your white sheet of paper.
it might be easier said than done, but i’m ready to make mistakes. i tried building a wall from myself and my surroundings and that resulted in me not crying for approx. 2 years. i became insensitive, ignorant… and i don’t want that now. i’m ready to make mistakes and to know that i still have my values and principles with me, guiding me through that mistake. what i know is that i learn every time i bleed, and i mature every time i get hurt. and that is always a good thing.