i hate today.

today’s a bad day.

sore throat, my computer crashed, so the very detailed review that i wrote was gone just like that. i would have to rewrite it and that makes me very very very very … upset.

&& i felt so weirdly insecure today; and i can’t help but feel that everyone doesn’t like me. well, not everyone. just some certain people. i wonder when i will be able to finally get out of the black hole. it feels like a disease, you know? it’s like, you’re always putting someone ahead of you just because you can’t put yourself first. i actually wanted to be selfish for once… but i can’t. i don’t like to be selfish. i feel bad.

oh God! why is it so freakin’ hard to be myself? i kept trying to tell my own brain to just be myself but at certain times, i  can’t. it’s just like i’m programmed to be this way when this person comes, or that way when that person comes. i’m just so pathetic, i’m disgusted at myself.

++ i’m also feeling like i’m slipping in my studies. there’s this feeling of pent up frustration building inside me. and i just cannot cry and tell someone about it just because i don’t want them to see me so tied up crying about my grades. this is the thing about being an ambitious person. this is driving me nuts.

and then to top that off, i just had a VERY BIG fight with my sister. i just don’t know what’s on her brain. like literally. i know that she has some… issues. but she really doesn’t act like a sister; and most of the time, i can tolerate that. but when i lost it, i just lose it. then what am i supposed to do? i ENVY everyone who has a sister that they could share with or have a sister that they could laugh with. here’s the real shocker. i sometimes do talk to her, but i rarely feel like i can really confide to her. it’s really sad…. i don’t know what to do.

this post might sound stupid tomorrow when i’m re-reading it again since i’m crying rn and i can hardly see the words that i’m typing… but whatever. i’m screwed. everyone knows that. i just hope that i am wrong in all the right ways.

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