okay. so i’m never in good terms with my monthly guest. not really physically… the small stomach pain and ache, i don’t mind; but the psychological thing about it. the monthly guest could not just bring the worst in me, but also make me more philosophical and melancholic. but i guess, this whole thing makes me normal, as i am… a girl. let us try to not forget that fact.
so, i was thinking on whether or not i am selfish. i guess, people are selfish in their own ways as we people likes to be happy all the time, and that in itself is selfish. we want to avoid problems and just be happy, that… is selfish. i know that this is bad, but i just want to shut myself out from the world when i reminded myself that i’m a bad person.
i know that this might sound weird, but i tried to live a selfish life. to fulfill human’s expectations of other humans in living selfishly. but i can’t. i just don’t believe that i’m a selfish creature. i’m not perfect, that, i’m aware of. but i know that i’m not a completely bad person as well, and that gives me comfort in a way. to know that i actually still have a heart to care for other people.
so, who are you to feel like you have the right to actually call me selfish?
who are you to call me that i’m not respectful, ungrateful, trashy and whatnot? who are you?!
and i’m talking hypothetically here. if i am to be selfish for once in my life, who are you to tell me that i’ve crossed the line? and if i didn’t, and that somebody heard that i’m crossing the line from another of their friends, who is that somebody to believe their friend that i’ve done something wrong? aren’t you imperfect as well? so why do you point tails? as confusing as it sounds, it’s actually really confusing.
wouldn’t you, whoever you are, be selfish as well in telling me that i had set a toe out of line? i’m not talking about a scene where the ‘bad guy’ and the ‘good guy’ is on spotlight, but i’m talking about a vague scenario. by thinking that you’re the righteous one, wouldn’t you be the one being selfish?
i know, i know… it again, borders with principles and values…. but you just cannot judge that. because everyone is brought up differently, and everyone is taught differently.
and this is why little children are just so lucky. i remember when i was five, my mom had this beautiful pink lipstick, and i was told not to touch it because she said i was still too small and that make up is not good for my skin. if i get to choose now on whether i would like a tube of pink lipstick or ignorance, i would choose ignorance any day. no doubt about it. what wouldn’t i do to just sit on my daddy’s lap and have his big arms hug me protectively. it’s the best feeling that you can ever feel. protection. i didn’t know drugs then, i didn’t know of injustice, lies, law, criminals, cold wars…. i didn’t need to feel the salad of emotions when i end up in a bad relationship… be it with a boy or a really close friend.
i’m sure i’m not the only one tired of the drama llama thing. and i always have this moody woody woodpecker inside of me whenever i’m having my monthly periods. and i really wonder whether doing yoga could actually refrain me from thinking too much and would make me have the ability to ‘control my horses’. i’d give that a shot.
a long post. i hope you’re not tired of it. tonight is not a good night. i’m going to bundle myself in my blanket, break down, cry all over again and sleep on it. i’m expecting.. no, i’m CHALLENGING tomorrow to be a better day than today.