just let it go.

i’m finally tearing as i’m writing. i think i was just so shocked through out the whole day that i couldn’t cry. even if i wanted to.

i knew a couple of hours ago that my science teacher died. i’m so very happy that i knew after i ate lunch– for i barely ate dinner. i have this thing with teachers that really inspire me. i get too attached to them and although i know that it’s bad, and that we have to be professional students and whatnot, i just cannot help but be attached to them.

went to school with my friends today even though it’s still holiday, just to hear a bit of news of him. his body is still waiting for the autopsy permission from his family back in the UK, and the thought of his mother receiving the news at 9 AM in the morning still makes me shudder. and then out of curiosity, my friend drove us pass his house. i could still see the no good made in China Christmas lights (the ones that he used to complain to us students about) still twinkling behind his front window–how i hate the yellow police line that was in front of his house. spoke with my girlfriends, but was still feeling uneasy. the first thing that i did once i reach home was to find my dad and talked to him. i  felt better now although slightly.

it might sound like i’m exaggerating, but seriously… i know that the world is cruel but i never knew that it was this cruel. at the time where i promised myself to change, to really try my best just for the sake of it, i have to lose another source of motivation. and it’s not like motivation is easy to find nowadays. here i am thinking that you will help us find universities, help us decide our major, see us graduate and congratulate us with your telletubies dance. i even thought of asking you for advice on my career week. — i have to say that i’m not that close to him as i was to Mr. Andy, but it’s just that, he was a good teacher. even though he was a pain in the butt sometimes, and could notoriously bug me with all the childish things that he did, he’s still a good science teacher. he inspires me, and he motivates me. and that is what’s most important.

and what’s very painful is that the press is so nosy! i know it’s what the press should do, but puhleaseee~ people here are still waiting for the autopsy permission while people out there are already running around with their pants on fire saying that he committed suicide. the shiz people! we know that he’s sick, we know that he’s on medication, we know that he’s taking his own medication, we know that alcohol can help reduce pain– and people is like: omg! the news! vodka, pills, syringes, and even a note are found near him. >< assumptions. you are an evil thing. who knows? he might have committed suicide, he might not have any intentions in killing himself, or he might be in pain (he MIGHT. idk) which is why he tried to reduce the pain by drinking alcohol or increasing the dosage of his medications– you might as well consider these things if you’re going to start assuming. the point is: we don’t know!

+++ and if he did really commit suicide, for what reason? again, we don’t know. if you’re going to believe that he does not have any money to go back to England and spend his Christmas and New Year there, then you’re either very stupid for believing the press, or that you have no idea how much a(n) foreign teacher / expatriate is paid to teach in a national plus school. if i may say so myself, they’re not filthy rich, but they are rich ENOUGH to at the very least, buy a plane ticket. it’s like what 2000 USD? it might not be a small amount, but he can afford it. idk anything, and i’m not in the position to really say anything, but this is solely my opinion>> that reason is… simply ridiculous.

so i don’t care if you’re his former students, his students, his colleagues, his neighbors, his neighbor’s friends, his cat’s friends… i don’t care. okay?! you might as well stop this whole shenanigan. rest assured dearest, you DO NOT want to be an irresponsible gossiper who will later be found out as someone who does not know of the truth.

i’m a tad too emotional right now. i hate how these things get leaked out onto news sites on the internet, and onto people’s blackberry bbm-s. and again, we don’t know yet! so please accept my apologies in advance. i know i’m being a …. female dog right now. you know what i mean.

let’s not destroy our… my… last memory of him. if he did commit suicide, then so be it. it happened. it’s not like i’m now saying that committing suicide is good for you, but it’s the current fact. and now that he’s gone, we will no longer be able to bring him back. even if we do 30 biology and chemistry tests put together.

just let it go.


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