hey guys, i’m back… it felt so good to finally write that again 😀
i know you guys aren’t ready for another i-think-hard-then-i-realize kind of post, but surprisingly, i realized a lot of things when i was on that trip.
see, the reason why i went to Surabaya was because my uncle is going to get remarried. that being said, i met my to-be cousins as well as my to-be aunt. i wasn’t and still am not sure how i feel about these things. growing up in a catholic family, i’m not familiar with divorce. my late aunt died three years ago, and so my uncle is getting married to a divorced woman with 3 children.
they’re really nice folks. very likable, well mannered and kind. but it feels like, without it being in my full consciousness, i’m building a wall.
you know, when i was still much younger than i am now, i always thought that the world was perfectly round. that Christmas trees would always remain tall; that ice cream is just about the best thing you can get; and that you’ll always have people who love you. the latter is partly true, but i always think that the people you care about would be around to witness you graduating high school, struggling in university and eventually graduating it, getting a job, falling in love, get married, have kids, witnessing your kids go to school, graduate, have a job and get married… for one, when i was five, i expect my mom to still be around when my kids get married.
and now that i’m less naive, i know that things doesn’t always go the way i plan it to be. i’m a lot less cooler than when i was five, that’s for sure. i’m still scared about a lot of things; about ice cream not tasting as good as it used to be; and not to mention that i really freak out when i find that i’m taller than my Christmas tree >< the world is not as round as it ought to be and i’m scared to find that later on that the simple things are no longer satisfying. but then again, complicated is just too confusing. so which one should it be?
but most of all, i fear death. and i know that i shouldn’t, but it’s a process. i’m still just a speck of dust in this too wide a world. from now on, i’m going to say ‘i love you’ a lot. because you never know when He is going to take the people that you love away from you. my cousins literally lost their mother at the worst time ever. and idk what makes me think that it’s the worst time ever when it would never feel good to lose a mom–but they were and still is undergoing puberty (which imo, is not a good time 😦 ). unlike me, they will have no one to turn to when they want to ask things that they’re curious about. whether it be boys, fashion or private stuff. i’m scared that i won’t have the chance to say enough ‘i love you(s)’ to my parents before they leave.
and this people, is the reason why you shouldn’t contemplate excessively. i think and look at the past too much.