hey blog 🙂 i’m back. and guess what? I FINALLY MET FREEDOM. we’re good friends now… ^^ at least, until the holiday’s over.
yeay for the end of exam period!
+ yeay for a full stomach! just back from the Ramen shop. started the exam period with noodles and ended it with Ramen. i couldn’t have asked for a better scenario 😉
but… *sigh* (you know there is going to be something, right?) i’m not satisfied with what i get.
i don’t care just about how people is telling me that it is already good enough and how i’m supposed to be grateful. ><
i am… grateful. but i’m not satisfied. this is just the very thing that i don’t like about being someone who’s not satisfied easily. i just don’t like the way things are now. i know i haven’t done my best– and i know that this results from learning on the morning of the exam day. but i seriously lack motivation and thus, my best isn’t good enough.
i feel like crying a lot today. (blame it on my sick hormones) i miss my old English teacher. i really do. in a really small school community, you get to be close with your friends and teachers. occasionally, really close. his name is Andy Woods. i call him Mr. Andy.
he resigned from teaching a year ago… and it’s not like i don’t like the current English teacher, it’s just that i cannot actually talk to him personally about the improvements that i want to make, the flaws that i have, the stuff that i want to write…
i need someone to talk to, and someone who understands and knows EXACTLY what it is that i’m talking about. my insecurities of writing; how i think my writing is never good enough; how people will judge my writing.
i’m scared. i’m scared of feeling like i’m losing my skill at writing. i need someone to console to when i’m having those days where i lack confidence. someone who can make me believe in myself again, and also in the words that i’m writing. it feels so hard when you have to face all of your obstacles alone. and it’s not like i don’t want to talk about it with anybody else, i just don’t want them to make fun of me and say: “you’re good enough already. don’t hope for too much.” because i AM a dreamer, and hoping comes natural for me. it feels nice when someone could at least appreciate what you’ve written or what you’ve constructed and praise you for what you did even when it wasn’t half as good.
it might’ve sound like i’ve lived in denial all my life; but it’s not like that. i just need to know that someone’s there… someone to tell me that the barrier i’m facing is easy to overcome; someone who can believe in what i do when i’m not capable of doing such a thing. sort of like a motivation.
so please don’t make fun of me. i know this sounds silly, but i’m in a stage where i’m beginning to doubt myself and my abilities. it felt like i was living in a bubble. i was happy~ but now i realize that i’m not even half as good as what i thought.
crap. anyway, i’m going to stop thinking about all of this stuff and think about the holidays. sweet sweet holidays. i’m ready for you.