to what expense will you do something for a friend?
i find myself thinking about this all the time.
i don’t know why i’m thinking about these nowadays but i feel like i haven’t done much for my friend, which is probably why they’re now all gone. it makes me really guilty.
what should i do?
i think i’m getting things right when i say that a friend is someone whom you could rely on, and someone who can listen to your problems and vice versa. but i’m going through one of the hardest phases of my life and she’s not here. she doesn’t even know about the things that i’m going through. i’m like talking to someone who doesn’t exist, but writing here helps me. because she could no longer listen to me.
the thing about having a friend is that she could believe me when i couldn’t believe in myself. she could keep me in check–soothe me when i’m feeling down and also chastising me when i’m not doing good.
i’m now feeling sorry because i might not be the best of friend that she has ever had. which is probably why she thinks that i’m no good and yeah, goes away.
i watched this drama today, and one of the rather rebellious main character in that drama said:
Don’t bow your head to anyone, don’t kneel for anyone. it would become a habit. Once it becomes a habit, it will be hard to fix.
somehow, i find myself laughing sarcastically. i’ve been too insecure for too long. and he’s right. you get to be guilty for everything that happens. sometimes, even for something that you didn’t do that goes wrong. i sometimes feel that my privilege of standing up for myself have been abused by someone whom i do not know. but of course, it’s just me. because the choice of standing up for myself lies with me. i just, … don’t know what to do with it yet. or maybe, i’m still too scared.
i know i can be a pain in the butt sometimes. really. i admit that fact… but please, i don’t know what to do if you don’t talk to me. don’t push me away again.