i feel like a failure. i know i shouldn’t, but i couldn’t help it. God help me, please.
inside the dome of illusion that i’m encircling myself with, i think i have improved.
skill, emotions, rhythm…. everything. but then outside that, i realize that i haven’t been doing anything significant. i have been doing the same thing all over again.
idk what i’m supposed to be thinking right now. idk what i should be doing. i tried my best, i really do. it wasn’t that my best isn’t good enough, but is what i’m doing right now really my best? i’m confused…
i feel as if i’ve lost my touch. lost my emotions, lost everything that was planted inside of me long ago. you know that phrase ” you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone” ? i hope i had that moment when i finally realize. the thing about me is that realization comes too slow for me. i’m such an ignorance, foolish girl that doesn’t care about the world aside from what i want and how i want it. i’ve been too selfish. forgive me.
so i’m not improving, i’m not working hard enough,… and it looks like i’ve lost my definition of working hard. what should i do? really… what should i do?
when i watch videos about idol groups that i look up to, i always think that they’re so hardworking–which is why they could achieve whatever they wanted to achieve. i want to be like them. is it wrong to actually ask that of myself? why can’t i be like them? i’m ashamed of myself… i’m really lacking self respect right now but the hell about it.
i want to do good. i want to play the piano good. i want my grades to improve. i want to finish my book. i want to get it published. i want to eat without thinking about all that calories that enter my body. i want to be able to cry in front of other people without actually be embarrassed. i want to be able to speak my mind. i want to be able to feel the emotion rush through my veins. i want to be flawless in editing. i want to be able to dress myself the way i want it to be without thinking of other people’s opinion when i’m wearing it. i want to have a best friend in which i could turn to when i need her. i don’t want to feel caged or restrained in expressing my ideas. i want to respect myself. i want to do a lot of things.
gosh am i sick.
this day hasn’t gone the way i planned it to be. idk what to do anymore. i just dont.
listening to: nothing.