hi guys.. i’m back.
okay, so the reason why i’m not writing yesterday was… because honestly, Monday didn’t go very well…
i was in such a shock that my teacher could actually say those harsh words to me, even though i know some of that was my fault, but she really has no right to say that to me. just thinking of what she said to me made me flinching away from the piano. so that’s that. i’m not going to discuss them with you guys–but so to say, i lost my respect for her.
so if i have logged in yesterday, i would be in such a crappy state that you would just read my rants blotching the entry. but this one, i think it’s something like a reflection. a slap on the face. a rather forced reality check. because i think i have neglected myself for too long. i need this. somehow i’m now quite happy that my blog is not that well known, either it be with my friends, or family or the such. i feel unburdened in sharing my thoughts. so guys, be prepared for some complexity.
i’ve thought about it yesterday, the whole thing. and the thing that bugs me nowadays, beside the suffocating piano examination, is my friendship issues. to be honest, no, i’m not doing well. i’m sick of replying: ‘i’m good… how are you?’ to those people who are still bothered to ask. lies, lies and big lies. but i can’t help it. so i’ve thought about it yesterday, and this is what i got.
1. idk about you guys, but i think losing a friend hurts much more than losing a bf. there’s this thing that said: “boyfriends comes and goes, but a best friend is forever.” i wanted to believe that saying so badly… but what i know now is that.. no it is not always like that. losing a BFF is like well, losing a sister. it’s not like losing a pencil and getting to buy a new one a day after… i feel this deep sense of loss. and it has been a long time since i have felt that feeling, that emotion. i forgot how raw it felt.
2. i feel like i myself am not good enough for her. and do you know how painful it is to feel that you’re not good enough for the person that you care about? believe me, i tried. i tried to match up on her from every aspects that i could think of. i swear, i tried my best. and you know what? i went to the dentist today, and for that solid 2 hours, all i could think of is how i could just make it up to her. i don’t know what i did so wrong in the past… heck, i didn’t even know when this gap starts to widen. we used to be two peas in a pod.. always together. see? being myself isn’t good enough, then who am i supposed to be? another saying: “if you love a person, the best thing to do is to let them go if you’re not good enough.” but i still can’t. not yet. and so that leads us to statement 3.
3. self denial. i used to be bullied by the whole class from late elementary school until mid junior high school. it took all my sweat, blood and courage to get a friend. but i never get one. so i thought i was really blessed when i got a best friend, well, at least someone i could relate to; and now i’m about to lose her. no scratch that. i’m already losing her. i could still see her, but she’s just too far for me to reach. again, do you know how hurtful it is to know that the thing you treasure is still on sight, but you can never pull them back, because there is this big wide gorge standing between me and her, and there is no way i could get her back unless she would kindly cross her magical bridge back my way, or me, jumping and committing suicide. i think i’m just not ready to let her go yet. and you know what they say, you can either move on or suffer. i still couldn’t move on. which means i would have to suffer. > proceed to statement 4.
so finally… 4. what i would do is wait until the end of this year. if there are changes then i’m more than glad. but if not, then, i’m setting my deadline. i shall go and leave her alone. i’ll probably need time to sort things out privately, but then, i know it wouldn’t take me long to actually be in a normal state around her once more. and she’ll be able to find a good kind friend who could express her or his feelings more than i can.. which is good (since i somehow have the feeling that the gap widened because i didn’t know how to express myself)
so yeah. that’s that. the (not really) shocking truth. please don’t laugh at me.
and those hours of baking, learning biology together, watching Step Up and walking to the Ramen shop would just remain as memories, or an occasional thing. being together for a long time makes me wonder how it would be when i no longer have anybody. i would probably retreat back to the library where i can mingle with the really kind librarian. maybe. but for now, everything is just undecided. i feel lost.
that’s the end to my rather pathetic post. don’t bother reading it if you don’t like sad stories…
what i really know now is that i’m thankful, regardless of having to patch things up or not. i’m grateful for the long lunches and the heart to heart conversations. for in my hard times, you have chosen to be my friend–and that’s saying a lot already.
a wrap up! i’ll see you tomorrow darlings, hoping to be in a better mood
mood: a salad of frustration, sadness, and guilt. dressed with fatigue and sarcasm
listening to: If U Wanna – KARA