regrets

hi everyone. not actually in the mood of writing right now, but knowing me, you’ll probably will still get a long post from me >.< couldn’t help it.

so today couldn’t be counted as one of those days when everything runs smoothly. i cried several times today, naturally chipping of my energy in big chunks.

i’m not doing so well today. Monday has been a very bad day to me for a long long time already, and i’m tired. being a first child, my parents expect a lot from me. they never tell me things like that but you just know, you know? and i can sense that they’re actually expecting a lot from me. i love my parents, and i want to make them proud. love+pride+ambition = stress. yes, i’m going through a lot of stress right now.

these regrets that i’m talking about comes from various different aspects. money, priority, time… but mostly time. i had a random thought this afternoon and i suddenly was wide awake as to how much my parents spend on me and on my siblings. school fees, extracurricular fees, food, living, clothes, electricity, water… a whole bunch of them. my dad has to constantly come back and forth crossing the province just to get that scarily precious piece of paper called money.

i’m being honest here… and i’m only going to say this once. (or a couple of times, if i forgot) but i know that i’m so FULL of naivety right now. i think that i’m going to do fine even with all of these things. bulletin board, a bunch of extracurriculars, school… life. but i’m not. i’m now really struggling to patch things up here and there, but when i’m in the middle of gluing some pieces together, other parts might just fall off leaving an even bigger dent. and that scares me.

the sky is even raining… it was a shade of dull gray in the evening, and it made me feel blue. i don’t like the idea that i, as their daughter whom they are relying on would have to disappoint them and waste her parents’ money just because she couldn’t keep her priority straight and couldn’t come up with rather decent time management skills. i feel so useless. i’ve always thought that i’m doing okay in daily life. i can do my things, i can socialize, i come home to a house full of warmth, and love, and food 😀 but now i realized that i’ve overlooked a big part of it. i’m such a small ant in this big community. for once, i’m feeling helpless. and i don’t like to be vulnerable.

watched Dear John today. i know… i’m late. but i just borrowed this movie from my BFF and of course you know what i’m going to say. being a helpless romantic, of course i like the movie. it’s not original though, but it suffice. Channing Tatum is just so handsome and i like the thought of him being a soldier 😉 while Amanda Seyfried is just… gorgeous. couldn’t explain it any other way.

and so that’s the end to my rather depressing Monday blog post. i still got a lot to do… CV and personal statement was done… thank God. now, i’m working on my essay planning. would come back tomorrow and i’m hoping to find you guys in a more cheerful manner

mood: spent

listening to: Rainy Sunday – ZTa

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