공허하다

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오늘 그런 느낌으로 일어났다.

i was listening to a lecture on personality chameleons and self monitoring only 5 hours before my worlds collided last night.

i guess i am highly self monitoring. i assess the situation that i am in, change and adapt. with ease. and that’s a good thing, or so i thought for so long until yesterday happened and for a few seconds there, my world(s) fell apart and i didn’t know what to do.

that was why i tried to justify him. because he must’ve not known how to act just like how i didn’t know either. and i wanted to be compassionate, and because i (thought i) knew him, i wanted to justify him but he didn’t even make an effort to justify himself. so i let him go and saved myself. (pats back). i think i’m just very confused about this relationship- and i’ve decided that i don’t like to be confused. because brains just generally address confusion as pain, and i don’t like to be in pain. it’ll be a lie if i’m not hoping that our paths will cross each other’s again in the future, but as of now, i’m going to give myself time to heal.

i watched this video by ASAPscience about why teenagers are so moody. just for fun, ya know. and something from that video struck me. they said that teenagers needed to fit in (in one way or another) because they inevitably reflect it as self worth. and i didn’t fit in. i went into puberty as a very sheltered child and came out with nothing but the shittiest idea of self worth. (< that in itself is shit because i went through A LOT during puberty). and i thought i was fine then, but now that i’m in my fourth year, i looked back and i can only imagine what kind of shitty self worth i had brought with me when i left high school. and i’m sorry to myself. i’m sorry that i not only do not have the will to save myself, i don’t have the ability to do so.

i promised that it’ll be different this time around when i fall in love. and even though it was only for a short time that i loved, it was different. it doesn’t go to say that i didn’t get hurt, i am very hurt right now. but i fulfilled my promise. it is different this time around. because i love myself more than i love anyone else, and that is how it’s supposed to be.

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“if i kiss you now will you remember?”

everything happened so fast. i regretted smiling into the kiss. i didn’t want him to pull away but i was getting so weak in the knees i was scared that i would topple off and become a heap of mess on his feet.

in Behavioural Neuroscience i learned that the reward system relies on dopamine. it involves prediction errors, which is a term given to the difference between the actual price of a circumstance and your expectations. when the prediction error is greatly positive (i.e. when the actual price of circumstance is so much better than what you’ve expected), the brain will issue the release of dopamine transmitters and there will be a big spike in the dopaminergic system.

maybe that is the case with all drug addicts.

the second those words that i string so carelessly left my mouth, i immediately felt a wash of lukewarm. you know, that feeling like someone peed on you. and i feel like inhaling the air that i puffed out with it. i would swallow all my words back if i can.

it was 430 in the morning and the snow was falling slowly with the breeze in big snowflakes. the kiss itself wasn’t explosive or anything. it was nice and sweet, definitely what a first kiss should be. it’s honestly something that i’ve written about in one of my trashy (will-never-be-published) novels, but i realized last night that i probably never really knew how it felt until then.

and now i’m left in the most dangerous state of thinking back to the moment, recalling it, fragmenting it, slowly losing it in the process of recall until one day all i can see is the ghost of that memory. but it’s honestly very scary how something so gentle could claw itself so hard into the depths of my hippocampus.

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yesterday, i dreamt of Winston

“again?”

yes, again.

what the fuck is with the guy, and why has he not packed his damn bags and leave?

or even better,

what the fuck is with me, and why am i not enforcing rent fees? because my cerebral space is not fucking free, eh? it’s not.

in the early mornings today after i woke up (grudgingly) from that rather pleasant dream (again, i have to grudgingly admit) i read some sort of a quote collection of Neruda’s. in it, one of them sounds like this: “I searched, but no one else had your rhythms, your light, the shady day you brought from the forest; Nobody had your tiny ears.” and i’m pretty sure Pablo meant to direct that rather feminine gesture to one of his lady friends that held a particularly dear place in his heart, but it reminded me of him. because Winston had such tiny ears, that it was very disproportionate to his big head. but i liked it, and his dinosaur-esque features… i liked that too. he just didn’t like me.

Lord i just need to move on. please help me move on, it’s been too long.

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so far so good so don’t turn back.

i am back!

but i’m not here to fill in on the shit that you’ve been missing because that would take me ages but i’m here as usual getting inspired by a song, and having to write about it.

don’t you sometimes feel that way? when a random song pops up in your playlist and you suddenly feel like that is your life’s soundtrack, for that particular day, or that week, or simply your youth. it can be the lyrics, it can be the arrangements, but this one song, it sounds like my dreams.

here i am sitting preparing for my presentations and an exam that i have this week, and i’m thinking, i am destined to do something so much more. i am worth so much more than my grades. i find myself yet again running away with my imaginations.

and i’ve decided.

i’m going to write a book.

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i could still be, what i want to be, what i said i was when you met me.

just a short post on a Friday night.

it’s a day after American thanksgiving, and i am way beyond stressed. after not going home for two days, and constantly being in the library, i have developed a fatigue like i have never encountered before. i admire people who have the motivation and the strength to pull through these exhaustion.

i guess i was just too tired, and too scared, and too nervous that things will not go my way.

i think i’m just too greedy, wanting everything all at once while simultaneously not getting them.

i know i’m not alone, and that there are other people also feeling what i’m feeling right now, but at the very least i hope my future children will not go through what i’m going through. i hope they do not have that big of an ambition, just enough to sustain them through life and do what makes them happy, i hope they will never have to suffer from the panic attacks that i can feel are coming at me in waves at this very moment.

it’s a horrible feeling.

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115: now playing stormy indie sirens

eccedentesiast.

when he walked away she could hear faint music hanging on her earlobes

he brought along with him waist deep clumsy arpeggios.

now it’s quiet, and it’s daunting

silence has always been something that is open to interpretation, and that’s scary

she stood in the intersection waiting for him to walk back to her and say that he’s sorry

he didn’t even look back.

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