if you’re going to do it, you’re doing it all. the. way.

first day of school right here right now….

*sigh*

and i’m here trying so hard to get back to my normal usual routine of going to school and doing home works and doing a lot of readings and whatnot.

i felt like i’m slowly losing sight of my goal, and that’s a bad thing because my goal has always been pushing me forward to my limits and achieve the things that i’ve been achieving. to be completely honest, i feel so internally unmotivated right now and it scares the hell out of me. i don’t know if losing some of your ‘fire’ is just a part of being a student but i have never felt this unmotivated in my whole life. ever.

so this might sound weird, but i’m telling myself to make a decision that will ultimately decide how i am going to be in the next few years. and i’m telling myself that once i make the decision, i’m going do it all the way. i just hope i’m going to make the right one.

madness

listen to that song. i swear it will get stuck in your head for weeks. Muse is my all time favorite and this song is awesome sauce. oh most definitely… awesome awesome sauce.

anyways~ madness it is. i love the song (as i have so explicitly stated) but i can’t help but feel the irony of it all. at least the sun is shining out right now (: i had to go to the library extra early today. i actually went out from my dorm at 6.30 in the morning to get some extra study hours before my morning conference. this was because i literally did nothing yesterday. (i’m going to tell you all about it later) i studied a little for my French test but after that i was like “f*#k studying.” so i hung out with Keidan and have some fun. i was so tired of cooping myself in the library, i just had to go out.

regardless though, i can’t exaggerate and say that university life is really different from high school life as it’s not. (well at least for me) i’m used to lack of sleep and rigorous academic expectations but what i will say is that in university (McGill particularly) everything goes so fast. so so fast. like it’s a constant marathon. the workload might just be the same with what i have in high school, but in  a much faster pace, so naturally i have to speed things up a little. and then there’s this thing where, idk if this is just me being a noob freshie but… i feel more pressure being in university. and my theory is that this is because i’m staying at a place entirely new, without my mom and dad, and i know that if i slack off, nobody would tell me to get back on track. it’s like, academic wise, i can only rely on myself, and if i slack off, there will only be my horrendous grades by the end of the semester telling me that i didn’t do my best and by then it would all be too late.

and it would suck. it would suck badly.

not to mention i know what my parents are going through to send me here for university (the ridiculously expensive housing -_-) and i’ve always been someone who wants to make her parents proud, but more so now. the pressure hikes up a notch in university, and i guess that is why i’ve been spending a lot more time in the library. but then the more time i’m rotting away in the library, the more that i know i cannot keep this up forever. like constantly sleeping in the morning and waking up in the morning -_-” haven’t got my well deserved sleep in ages.

anyhow~ i need to run now. gotta hike up the hill for my morning Philosophy conference. i’ll see you soon (: 

xx

first samosa = legit McGillian

it’s so weird to think that only 8 hours ago i was just back from the library and now i’m here again. such a dedicated student, dad must be so proud of me. (-_-”) 

anyways.

it wasn’t supposed to be this cold today. i didn’t look at the weather forecast (my fault) as i really wanted to go to the library as fast as i could and so i left early, but i should have. i looked at it yesterday and it said the lowest will only come to nine degrees centigrade which is not bad considering the last couple of days… but lo and behold. 5 degrees celsius in the morning. i was positively freezing on the streets.

i did a lot of things yesterday… but i didn’t have the chance to write it down because i was preoccupied with some other things. namely trying to juggle my philosophy paper and revising my Japanese culture notes. but yesterday i had my first Samosa. (haaaaaa!~ *the heavens open*) i’m a legit McGillian now. apparently samosas is a big thing here when i didn’t even know what it was before coming to McGill. they have a facebook page for samosa sales and a twitter account! so i’m always up to date with samosa sales, and bake sales too (red velvet cupcakes yum)

i gave a samosa to someone less fortunate down Rue Peel as well. i’ve been meaning to do that for so long but i’m always having a dilemma with donating money to homeless people. at one hand, i wanted to at least do something for them, but at the same time, i don’t want to give them money on which they could spend on alcohol instead of what they really need.

so i gave him food, i hope he wasn’t offended. he didn’t seem to mind though, and even permitted me to take a picture of him. (: i want to give him more samosas next time… i only gave him one yesterday.

and on my way back (to the library. this morning) i found this tree just outside 688 Sherbrooke with very very small bird houses on it. i tried to take a decent picture but i don’t think it worked. the sky was too blue, and so the picture turned out dark. but that’s okay… (i guess) because i can still see the outline of it :/ see the little hanging triangle-rectangles? they’re the bird houses!!

 

now i must get back. have procrastinated for an hour even though it didn’t seem like it >.<

lying to myself.

i shouldn’t be having a good relationship with me as a being.

i lie a lot to myself. like really. remember when i told you that i have this other alter ego inside my head that i talk to a lot? i’m lying to my alter ego. which basically translates to myself.

i’m very tired right now. like honestly. i’m so tired i can collapse on my bed and wake up tomorrow and just abandon everything for tonight. but i know that isn’t even mildly possible because i have a lot of things planned on the weekends, i cannot skip even a chance to study. so i convinced myself that i’m actually not that tired and here i am now, in cybertheque, staying until i at least finish half of my philosophy paper. my dad was like asking me why i had to pay for residence when i literally lived in the library. i could’ve just bought a sleeping bag and everything will be settled. >.< dad.

anyways~ it’s good isn’t it? idk if i am a good liar, but at least i can always cheat myself. i sound very proud of that but… i’m not sure that lying to yourself is actually morally acceptable (or not). or more importantly, if it is psychologically healthy.

anyways~ wish me luck blog.

it will be another long night (as always)

xx

it’s monday. what can i say.

155 viewers yesterday!!~ yeay….. thank you so much for everyone who constantly visit my blog. you guys are fantastic. i know it’s very easy to overlook the fact that people read your blog, but for me, having a lot of people read my blog is just amazing as i don’t really have a lot of close friends in real life, but here, i feel like i can connect to all of you through my writings. which is awesome sauce and i’m so glad i made this blog ! (:

anyways~ two people are kicked out of my philosophy class because they were using their phones and violating class policies…  (it was scary, just because both of them sat a row behind me -_-)

and i’ve been feeling warm these past few days. like my fingertips and my toes are really really cold sometimes, but my cheeks and neck feels really warm. i thought it was a fever, but it definitely wasn’t, so i don’t know what it is… been eating wrongly and getting stomachaches often too…

i miss my family. they’re currently in Bandung right now for a small vacation since my sisters are having their midterm break. i… don’t have midterm breaks. i hope i do, but i don’t. instead there’s this one week break called ‘reading week’ next semester– a friend of mine told me that it equates to ‘spring break’, it’s just that they call it reading week here. -_- so much for a break. reading week implies ‘studying’, as if the school doesn’t know that.

anyways~ aside from that, there’s nothing much more to say. there’s nothing exciting (yet) going on in my life as of now… we’re starting another module on Latin (which is always tough). we’re studying the imperfective passive tenses this time, and i’m so glad i had them memorized already. not so much of a difference really, except that their personal inflectional endings are not the same as the imperfective active tenses. and this is only the imperfective tense. i dread to think of the time when we would be learning of the perfective tenses.

i actually have a lot of things to tell you… i watched my first Quiditch game, did you know? yes, they treat Quiditch like a real sport and everything and it’s really popular here in Canada. every school has its own Quiditch team and McGill apparently has the best one in all over Canada. (yeay!)

that’s about it i guess… for now. i’m scrambling on doing everything since i plan to go to this halloween party down at a pub on St. Catherine’s. it’s called SinCity. and yes, as the name implies, there would be a lot of drinking–but i really don’t want to go overboard this time. because i guess i’m just not graced with the blessing of forgetting everything when i’m drunk. i throw up sane, and i feel like such an idiot when i do that… so :/ and a lot of people will be dressing up super super festively~ like what everyone said… Halloween is an excuse to dress up like a total bitch and no one can go against it. 

ciao for now lovelies… (: i’m sorry for the terribly random account of my day.

xx

stand up. brush yourself off, and move on.

i knew this would happen.

like i knew i wouldn’t be strong enough or smart enough to get straight A’s in McGill. especially with its harsh grading. i knew it.

but it still didn’t make up for the fact that i was so disheartened when i got my Philosophy paper and Linguistics assignment back and got a B for both of them.

but here i cannot mope around and wait for my mom to comfort me (which i never do anyways~ but at least she’s still there to comfort me) i cannot wait for someone to buy me a huge tub of ice cream or a bar of chocolate or even a hug. and i cannot exactly mope around my friends because they’re also faced with the same thing.

it’s not that bad or anything… if usually i write to express what i think or what i feel about a specific matter, this post will be my own friendly reminder that i cannot stay discouraged after experiencing something troubling. because if i stop, my time is still running out and the classes and lectures will still be going on even though i’m not necessarily over what troubles me. McGill is not a place where someone will hold your hand and guide you to wherever you need to go. you will either find your way out, or get lost in the middle of everything.

i knew that. i knew that.

silver lining

hey blog, it has been a long time since i last wrote you, but do bear with me. and what i’m actually going to write right now is a semi-rant, so do bear with me again.

do you know the saying: “every cloud has its own silver lining” ? i’m assuming that you have, and i’m assuming that you know what it meant. everything has its own vantage point that will allow you to see things in the clearest way possible. and in the almost 3 months that i have been here squeamishly going through my wretched lovely university life (that is not a sarcasm. i’ve formed a love-hate relationship with it), i have decided to confidently state that the saying applies to all of the courses that i’m taking.

i just got back from Philosophy… i know you guys think i hate philosophy but i don’t. i actually quite like the class (contrary to the fact that a lot of people have been saying that the prof’s going on so slow on the course) i actually liked it. i told you, didn’t i? because everything else was going so fast, i actually appreciate her attempts to go deeper into concepts and perceptions of moral philosophy. it’s the conferences that i have a bad sentiment towards.

anyways~ i just got back from philosophy class, and was so frustrated at myself for not being able to pull out that courage to actually speak out and say what i think (or if i know the answer to a particular question). the thing about my moral philosophy class is that i actually know most of these things beforehand. even before coming to university, i’m prone to engage in dark and deep thinkings prior to taking naps or sleeping at night so i actually know most of the things that she’s elaborating in the lecture–it’s just that with philosophy, they’re explaining those simple very human characteristics and values with very posh, very hard to understand language that is anachronistic (chronologically misplaced). see what i mean? it would be much easier for you and me to understand the true context when it’s stripped out of its embellishments.

why insist on making it harder? just because that it’s philosophy and if it’s not hard it would disappoint the hearts of all the charlatans (the people who pretend they know something when they don’t) out there who don’t want to miss their chance on being pretentious? or does it actually degrade philosophy in the sense that without the big words it wouldn’t contain as much depth as it would if it’s described in an obscure way?

so i guess i was just not having the virtue of character (referring to Aristotle here) of being able to let reason guide my fears towards the doctrine of the mean and transform my fears into courage. maybe i can’t speak because i’m scared to say something ridiculously shitty and make a fool out of myself in philosophy class ( you DO NOT want to make a fool out of yourself in philosophy class) and realize i didn’t exactly know what i’m talking about, or that if i am to speak, i will not be able to generate that high of an English language to explain what i think is the case (–> philosophy term here: matter of fact) instead of saying moral judgment is just “my own / an individual’s own personal opinion of what is right and wrong”, they insist on dressing it with “to feel a sentiment of (dis)approbation toward a particular act, quality, or trait” 

i have nothing against philosophy major students. nothing, trust me on this. even though this might sound a hell of a lot like i’m a hypocrite, i have nothing against you guys. i have nothing about the class, and i really have nothing against 18th century English (i quite adore it actually, considering that P&P is my favourite books of all times!). it’s the concept of this whole thing that i’m questioning about, and i’m questioning not because i’m challenging the concept of ‘insisting on making it hard when it’s not’, but because i’m genuinely curious. i can accept any legit reason. anything at all… but for now it’s just not making sense.

or is it just that my English is not sophisticated enough to immediately understand what was being said. that could always be an option. and if that is the reason, then i can accept that too.

favorite magic word: i’m a ninja.

i have my philosophy paper due tomorrow as well as a Latin test.

meanwhile, my French teacher and Japanese studies teacher is already talking about future quizzes and review sessions for upcoming exams.

and on some other planet, my Linguistics prof decided to give us a conference project in addition to the midterm on November 5th.

what in the world is going on here.

…

it’s important for me to remember that it’s not only me who’s going through this. everyone’s going through all of this too. everyone’s going through all of this too. everyone’s going through all of this too.

we’ll all get through this.

it’s four thirty in the morning and i was just done with my philosophy paper.

i haven’t slept. might as well just pull off an all nighter -_-”

my. life.

what’s the point of sleeping now if i’m going to wake up in a few hours anyway?

bras and hickeys.

okay, so i guess this post is long overdue, but i promised :/ bear with me.

you know how i write about a lot of things here, right? this blog is basically just an account of my life. i want to continue this blog for as long as i live but idk what’s going to happen in the future, i might ditch this blog, i might not…we’ll see. and idk why i’m practically telling you my life. i’ll write about it if i find even a semblance of an answer for that question but for now, idk why i’m doing this, apart from the fact that it’s stress relieving.

anyways~ last last weekend (it was the weekend before this weekend. yes, i know, i’m sorry it took me this long to write a post) but it was basically party weekend. to get directly to the point, i basically get my ass drunk on Friday, finally understanding my limits, which is funny because i’m usually so confused as to how people call it their ‘limit’ (alcohol wise) it’s like how can you tell that it’s your limit? but i guess after that one night when i drank vodka like it was water, i know that your ‘limit’ is essentially something that you’re imposing to yourself. for me, throwing up is my limit. some people might set their limit to stage eight of alcohol poisoning or passing out, but no. to be completely frank, i don’t really like the feeling of getting pissed off drunk… i usually limit myself to two shots and a couple of beers, but that’s it. idk what’s gotten into me that Friday, but i swear i didn’t feel any nausea. at all. and my roommate told me that it’s probably because i drank vodka instead of normal alcohols, i guess… if that’s even a way to put it.

and then the next day, i thought i wouldn’t be able to attend this welcoming party hosted by one of the student clubs at McGill because i thought i was going to get headaches, but surprisingly, i didn’t get that much of a hangover than i’d assumed i would. so i went, and they had this ‘scavenger hunt’ where you should collect stuff and get points for it. i… had to take off my bra because the more bras a group gets the more points they receive. so me, and all the other girls took off their bras (and yes, in the restroom of course)… i even got a hickey from a girl because it was worth three points -_- and the guys had to take off their pants and that was so weird… they took it off on-stage and were like: “we’re guys. we can take off our pants anytime.”

…

…

conclusion: they just had so much to drink already.

but then again, i guess not, because they only serve beer (and fries …and i only had to pay $10 for unlimited beer and a basket of fries so that’s good ) and they most probably wouldn’t get drunk on beer. so.

that’s the end of my super exciting (adventurous) weekend. now that i think about it, it’s kinda a boring post, but oh well. it’s out in the open now… it’s just that i’ve always thought nothing exciting will happen to me in college. like the most exciting thing would to eat poutine with a bunch of friends, but then again, be careful of what you wish for. you’d never know what’s just around the corner from where you are.