Latin is cancelled ( thankgod )

Latin class is canceled for today. i cannot be happier.

it’s not that i don’t enjoy Latin or anything, but today has been a weird day for me. despite my biological clock waking me up at 6 in the morning, i gave myself some slack and tried to sleep again until 8, knowing that i am sleep deprived as it is. but then i could barely made it through philosophy so i went to the SSMU building deciding to pass out for another hour when i originally intended to go over my notes for today’s (25% worth) Japanese culture studies test.

now that Latin is cancelled, i find that my nap didn’t cost me anything, and it actually did me good (: i’m so happy i decided to nap. i don’t know why i’m so tired today though. it’s weird… because i’m usually not like this. moreover i shouldn’t be like this on the day where i have a very important test. >.< that is just not going to work out well -_-

anyways~ i should really get going. i’m actually more confident about this quiz than i am with my last quiz. idk if that’s a good thing or not because i worried so much for my last test (i was so behind on my readings) and got an A- for it. my biggest fear is that i am not worried (enough) for this quiz and end up getting a really really bad mark on it. like a C. (okay, ew no.) so i better use my time wisely now that i’ve slept and am well rested.

thank you God for how today turns out (:

xx

favorite magic word: i’m a ninja.

i have my philosophy paper due tomorrow as well as a Latin test.

meanwhile, my French teacher and Japanese studies teacher is already talking about future quizzes and review sessions for upcoming exams.

and on some other planet, my Linguistics prof decided to give us a conference project in addition to the midterm on November 5th.

what in the world is going on here.

…

it’s important for me to remember that it’s not only me who’s going through this. everyone’s going through all of this too. everyone’s going through all of this too. everyone’s going through all of this too.

we’ll all get through this.

warm clothes.

did my laundry yesterday with my dad, and i can definitely say that it was one of the most memorable thing i did since i came to Montreal. that is saying a lot.

my parents have been with me for 20 days now, and it’s time for them to go back to Indonesia and cater to my sisters who will undoubtedly need them more than i do… but when it’s time to say goodbye, i don’t feel like letting them go. i know a lot of my friends who are very eager to live away from their family, but i cannot disagree more. it was only five minutes since i waved goodbye to them (which really means that they’re still in Montreal as i’m writing) and i’m missing them already.

i know the consequences of studying abroad, much more in a country that is 23 ++ hours away from home (by flight), and trust me i didn’t think twice about living so far away from home until now when everything finally hits me. but Joelle was so understanding and so nice to me. ( i couldn’t have gotten a better roommie! <3) she said that she misses her family, but she’s here to study so she tries not to think about them often (or else she’ll get homesick). she told me that it’s going to be hard now but when i see them again, i’ll be so happy… and she’s right.

now that i’m here, i cannot lose sight of my focus. i need to study hard and play hard, do all the things that i promised myself i’d do before i get here. i thought about all the sacrifices that my parents had to make, that my sisters had to make, that i had to make for me to be able to go abroad for university and for those reasons, i cannot flunk it. i cannot miss the opportunity that my family and i have so long strived for.

it’s the same with laundry. the laundry part itself may be a chore, but when your warm clothes are out of the dryer, you’ll appreciate just how wonderful it all is.

i’m going to work my ass off. i swear i’m never going to let my parents down.

no fear.

today was a rough start. i told you all about it in my previous post despite incorporating it with some random red-lipstick-on-first-day-of-college ramblings on the start of it.

but i met up with my parents just a couple of hours ago. they just got back from their US & Canada tour and we talked about what i have been doing over dinner at a small elegant Korean restaurant. and i basically told them exactly what i told you guys. my concerns, the language courses that i fear i might not be able to handle, and a lot of other stuff that makes me worry and then my mom told me that she couldn’t even speak English when she first arrived in the States. i couldn’t believe what she told me.

so i guess i’m just going to work hard a little more, and i’m okay with that. i’m so used to it in fact, that it’s almost second nature. and despite wanting to relax and do a little bit less in university, this is who i am. i’m lazy, and i only study when i have to but i also never settle for less, and maybe sometimes, i tend to aim higher than what i can do. i’ve just been in McGill for less than a week, but i already know that with this particular university, it’s an easy hit or miss. if you make it, you make it. if you don’t, you don’t. it’s not the type of university that will guide you through every step so if you’re the kind of person who needs to have a helping hand all through the nitty gritty stuff, then this university is not for you.

so i’m most probably going to spend my whole first year bugging my professors all. the. time. they will have no idea. i’ll be the most curious, but at the same time, annoying student they’ll ever have. it’s time for my inner staccato-ish overachiever self to come out from hiding.

over-thinking

http://kiwitachan.tumblr.com/post/18620407459/over-thinking-by-kiwitachan-time-lapse-of-how-i

i didn’t eat much yesterday. to think about it, i didn’t even have a proper meal yesterday. not even breakfast.

skipped breakfast, went to the parent-teacher-student conference, skipped lunch, went straight to Mandarin, went home, skipped dinner, slept for three hours, wake up, read some, sleep again. that’s basically how yesterday goes.

i find that i don’t get hungry when something big comes up. e.g: exams, competitions, report day (like how it was yesterday) i don’t get hungry. i feel bloated. it’s more of a psychological thing ._. or is it really a physical thing? i’m not sure. my stomach has been a weak stomach all my life… maybe that’s why.

since i’m now having my term holiday, my thoughts are again centered on what i should do with this precious free time. write, study, read, chill, sleep, eat, hang out… there’s not enough time in a day to do all that. 24 hours is just simply not enough. and the most dangerous thing that could happen this week is that i’m too immersed in my holiday zone that i forgot to study. that will not be a preferred scenario. because when i get to school, i’ll only be two weeks away from governmental exams. yes… the nerve-wrecking, blood-pounding, stress-inducing, zit-encouraging, sneaky sneaky governmental exams are creeping up.

what’s worse is when i realize that i’m over-thinking things that i should do. something really unimportant at that when i could just do it. 

over-thinking. over-thinking. over-thinking.

it ruins me.

3:28 – history test

a quick post at 3:28 AM

the last day of exams!!

and the only reason why i’m waking up this early was because i didn’t have the energy and the heart to study history yesterday. so i just watched… and laze around like a potato couch. my friend said that there were a lot of materials to cover, so i woke up extra early today just to make sure.

*sigh* in 7 hours, i’ll be done with this, and will head down to the salon for a much needed (and deserved) facial

 

being annoyed at everything.

hey blog.

please ignore the profanity, but this will be a shitty week.

you know that time when you feel like everything in this world is trying to create your own personal hell? yea… that’s how i feel right now. i get annoyed so easily, AND THEN i get mad at myself for being mad at everyone else AAANDD i get mad at myself for being mad at myself.

is that not just simply ridiculous?

weird weird person. it takes a lot to be my friend, you know..

anyways, TOEFL is coming up soon. and more of this waking up in the morning and losing sleep time. except for Friday. i swear i’m going to pamper myself before the real deal.

but the good news is dad is going to be around. and Gale will be out of the blackberry hospital by then. so major yeay!

i’ll see you soon when i finally am able to control my freakish awkwardness of the world.

not me.

i’m sad. and somehow a little frustrated how this subject has to be dealt with again and again, at least on my side.

i don’t usually care if someone say that i’m reaching too high trying to be number one. in my head, i usually assume that they themselves never tried to be number one… or the first, or whatever it is you want to call it. because they don’t know how tiring it is to always want to be number one. believe me, i know because i tried. and let me tell you this: it’s a hell of a work trying to always be number one. so i stopped trying, because it really didn’t matter.

it wasn’t really like snapping. i didn’t lose it, but i was well aware of it. and no, it didn’t give me the bad mood or anything, (even though people mistake it for that)… tbh, i stayed silent because i’m so sick of it that i needed to get this done and over with. so i thought about it. i thought about it like a prisoner trying to escape from Alcatraz.

so get this. i like to be called hardworking, but i will not die if i stop studying. on the contrary, i hate studying. it’s learning that i love. and the only reason why i’m studying so much right now is because i need to ace my TOEFL, SAT, and ACT and if that is not enough, i need that goddamn 4.0. when you make a promise to love yourself more, you don’t easily forget about it. i’m trying so hard because i want to get to a good university. is that so wrong?

have it occurred to any of you that i study harder because i know that my capabilities are way under what you guys are capable of? and the implication that if-i-don’t-study-i’ll-be-stupid didn’t really matter to me because it’s true. and i’ve accepted that fact.

so even though i’m flattered when people compare me to Christina Yang from Grey’s Anatomy (tbh, i’m not sure if that is even a compliment or not), i’m not. don’t get me wrong, i love Christina. she rocks! she’s one of my favorite characters in Grey’s anatomy… but i’m not like her.

all i want to do is to graduate high school with a good score, go to a good university, write a lot, publish best selling books, be a successful writer, and later on, i want to have a beautiful family, with three children and whatnot, with a loving husband that will say that i look better than spongebob no matter what. just that. i just want to be the best that i can be, not be someone who always aim for number one and be a totalitarian leader and rule the world.

i just hope that people will understand. sometimes, when you’re stamped or branded as something or someone for so long, you get tired of it. you just… want to drop the mask and show that it’s not you that they’re judging.

alas, that is just not possible. you know what’s sad about knowing that life is unfair? you get disappointed anyway because you thought it would somehow be different.

the wicked wednesday

wednesday didn’t live up to its standards today, blog… sure, i was so glad that it already is the middle of the weekday again, but i’m so tired today, no joke.

i adjusted my alarm to ring at 4, and i woke up, but couldn’t muster enough energy to actually get up. so i slept on until 5 where i inevitably have to get up if i actually want to achieve a decent grade in today’s math test. i’m not even kidding. i’m expecting a very hard pre-calculus assessment and it turned out that way. it was a pretty tough nut to chew.

anyway, i also had a biology presentation today. one of the major biology presentations. and just like how my body reacts every time i exert too much pressure on it: stomach ache. so i did my best, probably had my heart racing too fast, i was sweating, my hands were cold, so naturally, a stomach ache followed. it was gross. but thankfully, grade 10 decided to be, at the very least, amiable today. i mean, i have nothing against grade 10. my sister’s in that class, and they are really really intelligent by nature. they can be like delinquents who just escaped juvenile detention if they want to, but for the most parts, if they behave, they’re actually a pretty good and responsive audience two thumbs up for you grade 10!

anyways, i’m heading to bed now. so tired. and i have another exam tomorrow. business studies this time. still got to study, so i’m planning on waking up early (again) tomorrow.

until then bloghearts. i love you all. xoxo

the strength and patience

stomach ache >.< stomach acheeee!!! :’(

i’m scared blog. i don’t want to over exaggerate and say that fear is an understatement, but i am scared. immensely, at that.

i went to church today to attend the earliest mass… i came home to have a decent breakfast and instantly rushed up to my computer to finish all of those forum articles that i haven’t yet submitted. after that came the long droning process of college application and that was when i really get stressed.

truth be told, i’m scared of rejections. i’m scared that i might not be able to get the required SAT scores needed to enter the ‘dream university’. the same goes for my ACT and TOEFL scores. i’m scared out of my wits up to the point where i forgot that i have a week full of exams staring at me in the eye right now. i’m having a Bahasa test tomorrow and i haven’t studied for it. i guess i’ll have a short break, have a cookie, and start on my SATs again. and then another short break, and then TOEFL. and after dinner, studying for tomorrow’s exam.

strength and patience. *sigh* i’ll be needing THAT.