to judge.

the pictures from the ski trip has not been upload yet :/ so naturally, i’d ‘try’ to blog about it after they’re up. hopefully soon, because midterms are coming up and the weather is fluctuating like crazy and i feel like it’ll be easier for me to lose my willpower this way. what a legit reason. i should seriously stop making up reasons.

now that the explanation is done and over with, i have a loud and bold statement to make.

i will, from now on, start judging.

i will judge.

i will respect people’s rights for having an opinion but now i know that i’m not obligated to actually respect someone else’s opinions on things; if i actually do have something that i believe in, i’m going to stand for it. i’m going to put my identity, my reputation, and my understanding of things on the line for that belief.

i had only made that decision ten minutes ago, but to be completely honest, this is one of the questions that has been bugging me ever since high school. and it’s always there, in the back of my head. i’m not always thinking about it perse, but if someone was to ask me about it, i’ll be like: “man i don’t know.” –and today i finally understood. i finally got an answer. i was never able to formulate the answer on my own and maybe mother nature was like: “girl you’re taking too long” … so by chance i sat on this conference today and the keynote speaker was someone by the name of Drew Dudley, of which, now that i’m at it, is such a lovely person. he is brilliant, and i don’t even know how grateful i am to be listening to a talk that actually makes sense. it has been a while.

anyways. it was a leadership workshop, but it wasn’t like one of those that left you feel confined and unjustified in the end; at this moment i’m actually surprised how a leadership workshop left me feel more knowledgable. no other leadership workshop has ever done that to me and believe me, i’ve attended a lot of them workshops and i know how it’s like. of course, like everything, i don’t completely agree with everything that he talks about… some things i totally agree with, some things i may have to think through again in my head or just blatantly disagree with it, but at one point, he was talking about his friend and i suddenly realized i finally found an answer. i finally found it.

he was talking how his friend is a teacher, and how at the beginning of every semester, she would tell her students to judge. that in her classroom people will stand their grounds on something that they believe in. but it has always been a social conformity to respect other people’s opinions. it’s as if it’s a legit better thing to not have an opinion of your own but to respect other people’s because that’s what should be done. that was what has been bugging me all along. to say it harshly, if your opinion is stupid should i just agree with you out of baseless politeness or should i say what i think and have everyone stare at me like what i did was kill someone when in reality i was only disagreeing.

at least in my perspective, it’s sad to see that more and more people are now making ‘respect’ as an excuse for cowardice. ‘i respect your opinion’ might as well be ‘i have an opinion of my own but i’m too scared to say it because i might get defeated in my debate’ or ‘i don’t want to say my opinion because i’m not up for doing an extensive explanation of what i believe in’.

it may be seen like such a backward step for most people but i will judge from now on because this is what i believe to be the right thing. i should not be obligated to respect other people’s opinion, but i will ultimately their right to have opinions, just as long as i think they’re having those opinions to better the world, even though their opinions might not agree with my beliefs.

another thing that i think may have inhibited me from judging is the fact that i’m scared of changes. ultimately, if you judge someone, that means you’re going to have other people judge you, and the point of all the judgments in this world is to prove that someone else is wrong. and if you’re wrong, then the right thing to do is to change your ways and make it ‘right’. anyone of you who have read my blog for a long time will know very well that i’m scared of changes, and that is probably because i am scared of failure. to change something is to admit that you have failed, and that scares the hell out of me. but i’m going to try and embrace it now. i’m going to do my best to stay my grounds on what i believe in and if i’m wrong, i will be open to changes. of course there will be time when i just feel like i’m not doing any of this, but as long as i’m strong enough, i’m going to challenge myself everyday and try to prove myself wrong everyday.

and that’s the end of my very very very long ramble.

i hope you missed me enough to read all of this. or if not, i’m sorry to have wasted the precious precious time that you have spent reading this. you will never get your precious time back, but if it makes you feel any better… i love you, and i appreciate the time that you took to read this long ass post.  

“we’re afraid to smile first because we’re scared they won’t smile back. we’re afraid to love first because we’re scared they won’t love us in return.”

do you know that one of the loveliest thing to do is to smell cookies outside in the cold autumn air? the mixture of the scent of warmth and coldness combined is very intoxicating. so every time after mass, i always bring a cookie outside (they always serve teas and cookies after yay!) and like put it in my palms and just sniff it while walking back to my dorm or to the library. i must have looked insane burying my head in my palms, trying to drug myself with the smell of a cookie, but you guys all know there’s an implicit loveliness in insanity as well, so i guess it’s playing double duty.

anyways, talking about mass, and talking about loveliness, father Gregory talked about love in today’s homily. and i always sound so silly and so redundant when i blog about this (again) but i do believe in love being one of the strongest things in this world. i’m still not sure if i believe in love at first sight, but i do believe in love and that it’s lovely to be in love and that the pain is also quite lovely when you’re falling out of love. and the funny thing is that father was talking about how humans are scared of loving first and of smiling first because we are, in general, afraid of rejections…. and that was my conception of this whole thing all along.

it’s sad because i think we shouldn’t be scared to do all of those things. even though we are. because i believe that everyone deserves to have somebody they love that they can share their journey with, and whether or not that relationship is romantic, it would not happen if no one takes the first step.

so i’m scared now… of the consequences, of the risks, of everything that can potentially hurt me but i’m slowly learning to walk through life with my palms open. because even though some days i will only end up with the bruises and the blisters that i might not even anticipate, other times i will come home with happiness and loveliness and lots of them too, which will make everything worth it.

plain idiocy.

i just watched a horror movie today. and all i can think of right now is: “why am i so stupid?”

well, not exactly watch. i peeked and squinted–that’s about it really, but it was hideous. what’s funny is that my friend watched it full on like it was nothing. i must be the ultimate chicken. yes, that must be the reason why i am scared of all things paranormal.

i went to play to a friend’s house who’s going to go abroad next week for uni, so me and couple of friends decided to gather up and just hang out or something… and then we ended up watching a horror movie. the movie was Insidious, a pretty old horror movie, but regardless of the fact that Anie watched it twice and said that the ghost slash demon is, and i quote, “a funny looking lady with bad red face painting and sharp nails”, i just couldn’t… couldn’t stomach it.

the last movie that i watched was Drag Me to Hell , and even then i started shouting like at the first five seconds of the movie-when the opening credits had this ‘Drag Me to Hell’ title popping out of nowhere with ugly black and red strikes on it. and you know what? it has been three, almost four years, since i last watched that movie and i still CANNOT forget the name of the demon lady who was the main ‘ghost star’ of the movie. her name was Sylvia Ganush, and i will never name my daughter Sylvia. ever. even though it is a beautiful name, i just… i can’t.

the thing about horror movies that makes me cringe is that i know someone would die. and i’m not stupid, i know that even though things might turn out to be better it will ONLY be a partial happy ending, and furthermore, i know that in the end the demon will still be there. it will not leave the family, or the girl, or the baby, or the boy, alone. not really. and that is scary. the madness it projectes is literally just… unhinging. why can’t horror movies have a completely good ending for once when the ghost will not pop up again at the ending credits? it’s like the producers are encouraging people to believe that whatever we do, things will turn out for the better for the demon. and that sucks man… the regular humans should win too, even if just for the sake of consoling little clucking chicks like me.

it leaves me so depressed in thinking that, here i am, scared of the nightmare that i might have to go through for watching a horror movie while the producers are out there somewhere, happy that their movie made a hit in theaters and earning big money.

and you know things can’t get uglier when a character is dragged to an otherworldly realm while screaming a blood-curdling scream. that people… that is when i die a little inside.

never. never again.

realistic happy endings

okay, so what do the single ladies say? i’m sexy and i know it, but too lazy to show it… (?) yes, that’s probably it. but you know you’re single when you spend the whole afternoon locked in your bedroom, crying yourself senseless while reading a sappy fan fiction. welcome to the single life.

but that is not the reason why i have came to write here. it is about my natural instincts as a writer, about the world, about life… in general.

i am scared, and although a lot of successful authors have said to not be scared in writing what you think, so long as you commit to your writing, i cannot not be scared. because it’s there… the fear is there–and at times it is so profound that it’s sickening me.

i’m a sucker for happy endings, i guess everyone who have been following my blog knows that. that fact is out in the open. who doesn’t like a happy ending anyways? but now that i’ve seen the world a little more, i knew that it is never a place of cotton candies and of unicorns, nor will it ever be. i’ve seen a child lose its mother hours after he was born; i know people who are currently struggling with HIV and cancer and other nasty illnesses; i’ve seen people lose their parents, their mother, their father, their daughter, their child… and i have found it to have altered the books or the stories that i choose to read. don’t get me wrong, i’m still pro-happy ending, but somehow i’ve drifted to the more realistic side of it. that loss is inevitable. and being an aspiring writer, i believe with all my heart that words are powerful. that sometimes it does fail to describe a situation, but through history, we know that the carefully arranged alphabets are what send nations to war, keep them at peace, sometimes also it constructs a declaration of love. and i’m scared that my writings will not do its power justice. it’s always there in my head, forcing me to heed it.

it always hits me how i may lack the ability to create a beautiful sad world, a world that teaches us to lose and move on, to fight for what we want, to kiss away grief, but at the same time be fearless to love and trust. that there is a possibility for me to write utter crap and no one will ever care for it. that i will never be able to create the type of writing that have touched me and mold me to the ‘me’ that i am now.

that is what i fear the most.

scared

sometimes things scare the shit out of you.

and the worst part is, you don’t know exactly what you’re scared about.

so i’m scared about the future. big deal, i guess everyone must have felt that way at one point of their lives. about the things that have yet to come, about the things that will inevitably rule out the course of my life. i guess i’m scared about screwing it all up and ending up in the gutter without being able to realize my dreams.

i have dreams. a lot of them. big dreams. it’s like piecing up a puzzle or a collage. my dreams are just little pieces of what will later on make up the big picture. i am not sure what the big picture is for now, but i’m sure i’ll sooner or later find out what it is.

until then, i’ll be done with high school in about two weeks. it’s both daunting and exciting at the same time. i’m excited to see what’s in store for me in university, i’m scared of leaving people behind. my friends and i will soon have to go on our own separate ways, and it’s like going out of my comfort zone. i have been with them for so long that a place without them will feel… different.

anyways, here’s to the last piece of hard work that i’d have to do before graduating high school.

here’s to working my butt off for the last real deal.

losing

 like how i’m scared to lose you. even though we barely talk. 

i’d rather hurt just a little too much :’)

blooogg!!! *glomps* okay, so i wasn’t feeling that well yesterday, but i feel better now

have i told you that i went on like a movie date with mom just… two days ago? we watched Something Borrowed. a romantic comedy–like mother like daughter. we love romantic comedies!! anyways, i instantly fell in love with the movie’s theme song and immediately google-d the song once i get home and the song is called ‘A Little Too Much’ by Natasha Bedingfield. it helped me get through most of my troubles… and mostly, my assumptions.

so i may be idealistic. maybe i’m imagining too much. but that’s me, and i deal with it. i don’t think i should change myself for people who think i’m not realistic enough. but know this, i’m a real girl, and i’ve been through fear. a lot of those. so don’t judge me before you know me. i know how it feels like to step into a room and think that everyone inside that room have ulterior motives. i know how it feels to have an ever growing feeling of deep care and sacrifice for a boy who, with time, loses interest in me. and so i’ve been through those times where i’m scared of relationships. but i’m not going to go through that anymore, i have enough. when you shut yourself from the rest of the world, you gradually feel inhuman–because you’re oblivious to the knowledge of what is painful and what isn’t.

and know that (what i assume to be) unrequited love is not a sin… it’s just painful. and i know deep down that at some point i would have to move on or risk missing things / memories that might be more valuable for me.

everybody hurts just a little too much

everybody hurts but it’s never enough

it’s wonderful to fall… let’s love and risk it all

i’d rather love just a little too much. 

i really think that falling in love is a beautiful thing. and that is exactly what i’d do. regardless of whether or not the feeling is mutual, i shall be in love and hurt until i feel that i have enough. and then i would move on with life and just… be happy.

until then blog. ttyl.

“be hurt. i can take it. the world can take it.” No Strings Attached

it is indeed SUNday. it is very hot. >< i swear i might get dehydrated if i’m not drinking loads… i’m sweating profusely even after taking a bath, which is gross, but true.

so it was when i was inside my room… i had the blinds covering my window and had the AC on (thank goodness for ACs!!) and was just done editing an episode of a drama when i decided to visit some of my friends’ blogs. read entries of them and thought it through the whole afternoon, thinking about how people’s lives actually orient on a very similar pole and how all of us are just human. but it’s not after it rained, and i was in the car on my way home from printing my sister’s pictures that i’ve decided to blog about it.

it’s like the world is filled with people wearing masks. a facade to help you get through your everyday life unscathed. some people opt for a strong persona. someone who looks unbreakable, invulnerable, and untouchable just so that they are feared by others. some may want to look weak–they feed on sympathy and count on protection from others who are ‘stronger’ than they are. and i’m not blaming them for that. i do realize that i sometimes do wear my own mask. even to those who are closest to me. for example, when i feel like i need to stay strong for my mom, i would wear my no fail tough mask and walk around like nobody can ever hurt me.

it’s just sometimes very hard to be bare faced. i think the analogy goes the same way with having a favorite movie. personally, i don’t want other people to see my favorite movie (at least, not with me) because i’m scared that they might not appreciate it the way i appreciate that movie. i’m scared that they might not like it as much as i do, and basically, not give the movie justice. i’m terrified that they’ll be pointing the bad side of the movie and would in turn alter my judgment. everyone must have their own good judgment towards their own self, they’re just scared that other people will look at them and go: “you’re not all that, you know…”

but in some cases, the mask fall off. they get broken, they’re damaged and they’re stepped over, either accidentally or purposely. and then we will go through a period of breaking down for the fear of not getting accepted anymore and the dreaded insecurity washes over us.

i’m still growing, and the thing about life is that i take tests first before i actually learn the real thing. and i keep convincing myself that it’s okay to make wrong decisions. to fall in love with the wrong person, get your heart broken to pieces but then realize that even though your heart is in shreds, it’s still beating for the sake of it and is healing with time. it’s true that some scars stay on forever, and that you’ll always have a grey patch here and there from where you’ve erased your mistakes, but that is experience in its true form. experience is the grey patches you have in your white sheet of paper.

it might be easier said than done, but i’m ready to make mistakes. i tried building a wall from myself and my surroundings and that resulted in me not crying for approx. 2 years. i became insensitive, ignorant… and i don’t want that now. i’m ready to make mistakes and to know that i still have my values and principles with me, guiding me through that mistake. what i know is that i learn every time i bleed, and i mature every time i get hurt. and that is always a good thing.

picture: http://polkadotteapot.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/tumblr_l4eznomhwz1qzky2ho1_500_large.jpg

SATs & korean boys

so… a week ago (< indicates just how much i’ve been distracted this past week) i went to JIS to take my SATs.

in all honesty, i was really really nervous and i felt so cold even though i was wearing a knitted sweater and jeans. i knew that mom knows i’m nervous… and she kept on smoothing my hair and telling me to go to the toilet before i take the test, and so i pretended to not be nervous. i could literally feel my heartbeat on my chin. THAT’s how nervous i was.

so i walked in. and the school’s H-U-G-E. excuse me for exaggerating but the size of that school is simply not funny. it’s either because i’ve been stuck in a small school for practically my whole life or that the school is just plain big. but really, i can get lost in that school. i actually followed a group of people to the test center and i was like: “yeah, so finding the test center is actually easy” –and you know how i have this thing with Korean guys? well there were loads of them there and i started getting suspicious… little did i know, there are TWO test centers in that school. and the one that i went to was the wrong one since we’re assigned by our surnames, and the ‘Aslan’ test center were for the A-K surnames. explains why there were loads of Koreans there… all of them were ‘Kim’s. T.T

i literally ran to the other test center and again was fated to sit next to a Korean guy. (please don’t judge or think that i’m stereotyping… i’m just naturally attracted them. even when i try not to. >< /fail) and he was either really smart or really stupid. we were given 25 minutes to do each math sections and i swear that he was always done before the time was up. so it’s either he did all of the questions already, or that he couldn’t answer them and prefer to leave them blank (that’s how it goes with SAT. you better leave the question if you don’t know the answer). it would’ve been better to actually be seated next to someone who you see is doing the sections until the last minute. intimidation is not a good thing to have when you’re in that situation.

so i endured the 5 hour test with only 3 five minute breaks. my brain froze along with my hands once i was done and i was like ‘OMG! i did it!’. i might have to retake it though considering that i think i might not have done my best. and i’m nervous now because my test scores would be available 10 days from now. i’m scared. really… but the good thing is that it wasn’t as hard as i expected it to be. i took an online practice test and it was harder. ><

so that’s my account. i went to Burger King immediately after taking that test. when the brain freezes, burger is called for. the Whopper is the best xD really, good luck to all you test takers… and good luck as well for those who are waiting for their score. may all the luck be with you and with me too.

challenge #1 : swimming at night

so all of this shenanigan first started when i read an article in a magazine. sadly, i forget which one… and i can’t seem to find it >< anyways, stated there was a list with this as the title: 18 things to do before you turn 18. i can’t remember all of the challenges which was a shame, but i do remember things like joining a social services and volunteer work… but i have to say that the challenge i find most unusual and challenging is: swimming at night.

so, it might be common for Westerners… but in the East, you RARELY swim at night. it’s probably because most pool facilities closes at night and that it’s really something that my parents wouldn’t agree with.

but of course, i’m not going down on that challenge. on the first day of the year (when i was still staying at the beach resort mind you, the pool there is open 24/7 ) i finally convinced myself with my extra super persuading skill (yes, i’m bragging :p) and i finally get the permission. i’m not telling mom since she’ll go nutso and would completely stamp me and my dad down. as long as i have dad on my side, everything’s going to be a-okay

so i went swimming at night. probably at like 8 or so.

fyi, i was scared to death. well, not to death really… but i was nervous and very scared. for once, i never did anything like it before, and i didn’t tell mom. the latter was the worst. anxiety seems to fill me up in all the breaths that i take… i’m just so scared to know of her reactions when she knows that i’m swimming at night. i keep imagining my name being called, so i looked back a couple of times before continuing on my mission.

when i’m finally done, i tiptoed back to the bungalow, took a quick hot shower, just in case someone might notice already and was done in like 5 minutes or so. when i went out, dad was sitting on the porch. he was really really calm. i figure that i can ALWAYS trust him. nobody knew. and i was like: O.o. for real for real? and he just nodded his head and said: “they’re too busy with the prawns”

so i think the nerve and everything was just a waste, for nothing did happen, and i completed my first mission on the first day of the year! i’m so happy, i think my brain flooded me with Endorphine. i couldn’t stop smiling, my cheeks were heavily blushed and when my mom asked me why, i just grinned. i cannot say anything. my first completed mission! yeay!