in seven days.

hey blog… it has been a long time since i last write to tell you how i’m doing— time has been a little unforgiving. i’ll be leaving in a week for college but i am a little less than excited.

it’s maybe because i don’t know how to feel. i don’t have any friends there, or any relatives, so i should be a little scared, but i’m not. and i’m not that excited to go either. i’ve always thought that when i go on long haul flights to go to a country entirely new to me i would be excited to pack, excited to go, excited to experience the new ambience of a new place, but i’m not all that excited. and what’s even weirder is that i wasn’t excited, not because i’d have to leave my family behind… if anything, i’ll be willing to go because i’d be alone for once.

who knows? i might regret saying this once i’m there (and we know that regret always comes last) when i get homesick and whatnot, but for now, i’m dying to go, but not for the right reasons. again, contrary to my prior beliefs, i thought leaving home would be hard, but at this rate, i’m not so sure anymore. lately things are not going well at home. lots of shouting and nagging, and my sisters teasing at each other and it was chaos. and it feels like mom’s always angry with me now and i don’t know why. i’m so sick of people telling me what to do all the time, and then if i actually stand up for myself, they’d pull out the guilt card, and i end up hating myself and also the people who caused me to hate myself.

plus, i’ve never told you this, but despite loving my sisters to hell and back, my sisters are closer to each other than they are to me. so more often that not, they like to gang up with each other, and whisper things about me; especially now that Anie has grown to be a teenager and likes to think that she’s all that when she’s not. it’s driving me nuts like literally.

maybe, just maybe… it will be a good thing to go. Raissa once said that she wouldn’t miss me anyway, just because i’m often with my laptop, doing stuff that i’m supposed to do instead of playing with her. so it’s probably my fault, but whatever. the rice has turned to porridge and my bags are packed. there’s nothing else left to do but to go.

something.

today is indeed something.

really really something.

first things first: i can’t register for the courses that i want.

for whatever reason, whether it was getting waitlisted, or ‘registration is not available for the Winter 2013 term’ or ‘closed’, i just can’t seem to be able to apply to one… one course. and that sucks. big time.

second: i called the embassy, asking for my visa status and they just told me that i’m three weeks late for my medical check up. which shouldn’t be so since i didn’t receive any notification whatsoever (through SMS or email) of which i should since i freakin’ pay IDR 20,000 just to get the damn service. and no, they didn’t contact me, they didn’t call me or email me until now that i call them. so i’m tomorrow going to go to Jakarta to get this medical check up thing.

++ i’m positively going to get my blood test. i hate blood tests. i hate needles.

*sigh* i feel like crying.

and sorry blog, but i’m filing this on rants. this day is just so bleh.

достаточно

hey honey b~ i’m back.

i was late for today’s mass merely because of the engaging conversation shared with my dad, mom and sisters over breakfast. but i still enjoyed today’s mass. it was about the three types of love. something that i have read before, so i didn’t actually miss out on a lot.

today is a pretty tough day. it was emotionally draining. i remember almost crying a couple of times today because of anxiety and desperation. (hence my previous post) i needed something to channel my frustration and so i wrote.

it’s funny how things catch up with you. today, mom chattered endlessly about university requirements, credit transfers, tuition fees… endlessly. i guess the fact that i have already been accepted to two universities doesn’t matter, because there will always be more things to inquire about and more information to find, etc. etc.  and then my love life (i always have the urge to laugh when i say those words out loud. they are just hilariously ridiculous) took its toll. until this historical day, March 18 2012, that i finally said i have had enough. after ten months of enduring a long distance, indifferent, unrequited love, it is time to put an end to it. because for me, the butterfly-in-my-stomach kind of feeling were never caused by butterflies. it’s more likely caused by a stomach churning, flab pinching, horde of venus fly traps huddled in my stomach, growing in the midst of sloshing hydrochloric acid and proteolytic enzymes doing its job. i know i’m exaggerating, but that is more or less how it feels.

mom always says that everyone, no matter how rich or how poor they are, will have their own cross to carry. a responsibility which is only their own, that will remain unsolvable if we don’t, at the very least, attempt to solve it. because no matter how many dark chocolates i ate, or how many ELLE magazines i bought… no matter how many baths i took or how many drops of Dior Miss Cherie i put on my pulse points to help me calm down, i’m not going to calm down.

so i thought, maybe the best way is to be honest with yourself. that i am flawed in every possible way, and that i make mistakes, make a fool out of myself, but at least i’m doing something with my life. i’m trying to move on. because almost everyone knows that medicine is never a nice thing to swallow (except those cherry flavored cough syrups. i love those ) , and you may hate how it taste on your tongue, but it makes you feel better.

and it’s always good to put your head on your hands and sigh from time to time. to remember the people who are less fortunate than us. who are struggling with drugs, mourning for the loss of a child, fighting to maintain a marriage in the brink of divorce–anything that is obviously harder than what we’re going through. and then it will come to me how insignificant my problems are, and how i should still be grateful that i’m alive, and i’m okay.

it is only now that i know i shouldn’t pray for lighter problems that wouldn’t do much damage to my body and my sanity… but to pray for stronger shoulders that could help me carry heavier burdens that i might not be able to carry in the first place.

finishing the challenge

you know what b? i just had a thought… while doing assessments. yes, i’m even distracted by my own thoughts. great.

okay, i was off track. so. i had a thought… challenge can be classified into three different categories.

first:  a challenge that is hard to start. in Physics, i learnt that some reactions need a starting energy. some sort of ‘spark’ to get it going. sometimes it’s that spark that is hard to light. we focus too much on what we have to go through and forget what we will get in return if we do go through ‘it’. whatever ‘it’ is.

second: a challenge that is hard to continue. i rarely experience this, so i have nothing much to say on the matter ._.  it’s not actually hard for me to continue something that i have started, it flows like a rhythm. it has always been (most of the time) easier for me to continue what i have started instead of starting what i want to continue.. if that makes sense.

last: a challenge that is hard to finish. you rely on your stamina and your endurance for this one. sometimes finishing something that you have done for a long time is … tedious. because you’re so close yet so far, and at the same time, you’ve lost your energy on the way, trying to do whatever it is you tried to do to the best of your capabilities.

i am… *sigh* experiencing that right now. high school is almost over. in two months!! it’s so close, yet so far. i still have to do many exams, and i have a lot of assessments to finish. i’m constantly tired, and now i couldn’t hear my mom call me when i’m sleeping. (for whatever reasons, i used to be able to hear her even though i’m sleeping… incorporated to my dream maybe ._. idk) and it’s so unsettling. the exhaustion is so unsettling.

so please God, please give me the strength and the patience to get through everything. because on May 11th, when EVERYTHING is done, i’m going to the mall and get my ears pierced. it will be a historical day for me. the day i’m finally free. (for a while that is… -_- before uni)

“I love my mom no matter what we go through and no matter how much we argue because I know, in the end, she’ll always be there for me.”

This. No matter how pissed I am at mom or how she say hurtful words to me, I’m not exactly the perfect daughter… she’s my mother, and everything will turn out okay if we stay this way. I believe that.

enough is enough.

heavy day today. a mentally heavy day.

okay, i love my friends. let me just get that out of the way. i love them, i really do. they’re awesome and i doubt i’ll ever find friends like them ever again. but sometimes they do tend to overestimate my… self-control. so let me get this straight. i can get angry. i can go nutso and go bleh~ i can absolutely, absolutely do that. it’s just that i choose not to, because in between my psycho i’m-always-guilty problem and my they-don’t-deserve-the-lecture belief, i’d rather spare myself from feeling bad as well as avoid the drama. it’s my last year in high school (just 5 more months to go to be exact) and i don’t want to feel like i did something wrong.

but please. i don’t enjoy when people throw things at me (even when they think it’s a joke)–it may be a joke but to some certain extent. if you go too far, i can and might as well hit you with my eraser. sometimes (in my very very bad day) i don’t enjoy the constant mockery, and i do want stuff that are private to me to stay… well, private. i am at the moment having a big big crush at someone, but you don’t have to expose it to the world, or to the whole school, or post my crush’s name on the class wall or windows to get them noticed by people. do you know the word ‘embarrassment’? even if you can’t feel embarrassment, i can, and yes, i do mind.

what bothers me even more is when sometimes people expect me to be okay with whatever they’re doing to me when they couldn’t be okay with whatever it is that i want to do to them. and then they say “my friends haven’t always been there for me.” so isn’t that supposed to be my line? if you talk and act like you don’t care, then you better stay that way. or else you’ll get hurt, because my personality is my own, but my attitude is what you get when you treat me badly. everyone do that, right?

so that’s that. even if i don’t give silent treatments doesn’t mean i can’t be mad or hurt or sad. and i don’t even know if this is supposed to be a self-control test or anything but a joke is a joke as long as it stays that way.

enough is enough. 

the moon.

 

(the other four dots underneath the real moon were my neighbor’s garden lights xD )

this post is dedicated to the moon that made an appearance just as dad’s about to park the car in the garage.

seriously, Trixie’s camera did no justice whatsoever to the moon. it was so yellow, so round, so close, so… amazing!! i literally jumped out of the car even before it stopped. i have no digital camera, so this will have to do. :’(

it was windy, and even though i was wearing jumpers, my legs felt so cold. >< but for the sake of watching the moon, anie and i stayed outside to take (unjustified) pictures of the moon and also to just stare at it. it was incredible. i can’t remember looking at the moon at such a glorious state. i wanted to see the lunar eclipse last June 15th, but i couldn’t since the clouds were in the way. they say they will have another one this December 11th, and i’m determined to witness the eclipse. but then there will be another total lunar eclipse on the 27th July 2018. which means that it will fall exactly when i turn… 24! lol. yeay! it was undoubtedly very clear tonight. i can even spot stars littering the sky.

but then the monstrous clouds blocked the moon from view, and anie told me to make a wish. so we did. we were sitting on the driveway, and stood in the middle of the deserted street to make a wish. despite feeling a little silly, it was a stupendous feeling. it feels better than wishing on an 11.11. it felt real.

i was wow-ed. it was as if mother nature is showing that even though she’s badly wounded by our ministrations, she still kept up hope for people who wishes to live inside her. she wanted to show that there’s still beauty in a world that is steadily growing uglier and uglier each day. that there is indeed something more extraordinary than technology and whatnot. you might think i’m exaggerating (again) for it is just a moon, really… but i appreciate these little things. it somehow energizes me to face up all my problems in the coming days. so thank you… really. after last night, and definitely after all the things that i have been and am still going through… i feel really grateful for this moment.

article (s):

June 15 Total Lunar Eclipse Visible in Philippines in June 16 — Moon to turn blood red for 101 minutes

Source: http://www.bazics.net/2011/06/june-15-total-lunar-eclipse-visible-in.html#ixzz1PYNwpVXg

June 15 Total Lunar Eclipse Live Stream

a tough gum to chew.

okay, so this is my last post for today… it’s not something very important, really… i just think about blogging about it.

i may be a girl of insecurity, and yes, a LOT of people know that and have taken advantage of that particular weakness of mine. a tip for all you girls and boys out there who acknowledges that they have self esteem: do NOT show your insecurities to other people if you don’t really trust them. they might just use your low self confidence against you. and it’s NEVER good.

nevertheless, taking all the insecurity issue aside, i’m still a tough gum to chew. i guess there are lots of types of insecurities. i often find it hard to say ‘no’ to the people whom i know previously, but if someone is to act like they’re ‘bad-ass’ in front of me, i most definitely will not tolerate it.

it’s pretty much a phase. i think i’m slowly growing myself out from being that little midget who’s scared of everybody who intimidates her. because now if you don’t respect me, then i will not waste a bead of sweat to try and kiss you up and gain your respect. i’m tired of acting how everybody is expecting me to act. i’m tired of constantly saying sorry and i bet a lot of people are tired listening to me say sorry.

so you see? it’s not really an important post. but it’s an important stage of my life. i just feel like sharing this to you, blog i don’t want to make you feel left out after i have literally abandoned you for days. lol.

anywho, i’m going to sleep now. sleeeeppyyy!~ and i still have school tomorrow…

bonne nuit. 

catching up.

okay, so i’m finally back with a RELIABLE internet source! and the funny thing is, i’m actually staying at my distant grandma’s house for a 2-week internship.

there’s a lot of things that i want to talk to you guys about. i haven’t had the chance to do it yet, and that’s sad. —

well, i’ll just start off with the first day of internship. well, since i have connection (my grandma) and since she’s a managing director, i have the privilege to start right on the finance department in a company called PT. Agropangan Putra Mandiri. it’s not too far away from Bogor… and considering that i’m going to stay at grandma’s house until Thursday when my parents finally come back from their third honeymoon (fyi, they went to China last Saturday… this is why i shouldn’t be off from blogging for a long time T.T i can’t stay in touch!). for the mean time, i’m stuck in Sentul (which really is nothing like torture ), anie will be going to Singapore on Wednesday, but will stay at her friend’s house before the day before it since no one is going to send her off to the bus station, and so little Raissa is left alone to fend for herself until at least Thursday night when mommy, daddy and I come home from our own hectic schedules.

so the internship was okay… it was good actually. and i’m looking forward to the rest of the two weeks! it’s so very nice to be able to face everything with positivity. i feel that i have every right to look forward to tomorrow rather than just sulk and mourn for the past (which really is beyond my control to change) and so i’ve been feeling very grateful for this positive attitude. learnt a few very useful things and i like to think that i am already capable to understand the financial systems there even if it’s not thoroughly. a basic understanding is already more than enough for me :p

and the day comes down to coming home, taking a warm bath and eating with grandma. just the two of us. we are not really close since i’m actually the granddaughter of a cousin of hers (my grandma from my dad’s side) and it gets confusing to actually define our relationship to other people…so instead, i’m pretty content on just calling her a relative of mine. and then the drowsiness and the sleepiness took over. i finally realize that i am very exhausted.

it’s funny though that it is only 2 weeks. not that i’m complaining or anything since i know that my assessments would mount up to a hill by the time i get back from the internship week, but you don’t get to know anything in detail in just 2 weeks. so in a sense, it’s a lose-lose situation. you get loads of assessment piling up back at school while you can’t also say that you’ve mastered everything while being an intern. *sigh* even being an optimist can’t make you turn a blind eye towards the problems that are staring straight at your face.

i shall blog more tonight. about a lot of things. about the things that i’ve been holding off telling see you in my other posts honeys!!