“i was a dish maid when the prince married me. And he loves me, because i’m me.” – Cinderella

/sigh/ the day that we all have been waiting for… well, i didn’t initially anticipate it. just because i don’t have a boyfriend to spend it with /guilty. but then i refuse to be sad on love day. i shall be single and happy and happy and single. whichever goes first.

today, my school has this in school dance competition. the other classes have very powerful and skillful dances, but my class danced like there’s no tomorrow and won i’m so happy with that. this time, i honestly thought that we wouldn’t win since we (again) weren’t well prepared. in all honesty, if truth be told, i think my class won because we are strong in the confidence department. we just move our arms, legs and butts like we have no shame. which is very useful in times where you think you might have to go temporarily crazy.

and lunch was also fabulous. each class did some cooking, and my class cooked ramyun, shabu-shabu, yakiniku and sorbet. we ate to our hearts’ content knowing that we would burn calories later on. and we did. i sweat like a pig. like literally. i know that it isn’t very ladylike, but oh well…

so i smiled my best smile today, i played the piano like i’m in love, and i ate roasted chicken for dinner thinking that there is no better chicken meat in this whole world compared to what i was eating just now. i feel warm and fuzzy on the inside by just doing that. i gave people who are closest to me some sweets and i also gave myself a box of chocolate xD

and then my mom texted me this:

i ♥ ur pretty face,great talents and the smart brain inside ur head. but what i really ♥ about u is that u care and i know u’ll always be there for me. may God bless u like He bless me for having a daughter like u. happy valentine’s day dear…

really mom… you would never know how lucky i am to be your daughter. i love you too :”)

that’s the end of my valentine’s day post. i’ll be spending my valentine night editing a file and also writing the valentine scene for my story. and then i’ll be having another very special movie date with ma…

have a good night bloghearts. if you’re spending the day and night with that someone you love, make them feel like they’re the most special person in this whole wide world. if you’re single (like me T.T), spend it with a happy heart. because being happy when you’re single means being happy with yourself first before sharing it with your own prince or princess who is currently making many wrong turns before reaching your place.

i love you bloghearts. i love you to death.

picture (s):

http://lifelovefun.tumblr.com/page/4

http://swagsobright.tumblr.com/post/3219228035

the good days

this day is like the BEST DAY EVER #… i have a lot of best days in my life already >.< but seriously… i woke up to an amazing breakfast, coffee and chocolate bread, like what is there not to like? but most of all, i’m done with my piano exams and i hope that i’m acing it and of course, dad’s here. (forever, a daddy’s little girl)

so i had my exam yesterday, we then went to an IT showroom. it was so big, so crowded, smells like cigarette everywhere T.T gosh i hate cigarette smoke. but wtv. they think it’s cool to smoke, i think they’re stupid. T.T

anywho, having done with my exams, i’m definitely continuing my story while doing other things at the same time. doing tid bits of everything that is going on right now, and i’m hoping to persevere in everything that i have coming for me.

for the mean time, i’m enjoying life as it is. which is always a good thing i need to go to Jakarta– attending the Blue Mountains seminar, but i guess we’re going to the airport first. i just hope i’m going to get back in time for my friend, Miming’s birthday.

oh, and Merapi has just blown off its top once again. deepest condolences to those who are victims to the disaster. idk if this would happen or not, but i promise i’ll try to set up a fundraising event in school for the Merapi and Mentawai victims. so to say~ please support me

forever yours,

iggs

mood: happy and full

listening to: Rockin’ Robin – Jackson Five

picture: Enjoy.by ~ShadowsInMyEyes

[RANT]

cried a little today. i just have to. and then of course, i felt stupid after that. just how emotional can i be?

not good. i’m not having ‘that time of the month’ or anything, but i’m just so stressed i cannot think clearly. it’s good to note because then i would try not to think about uptight high-wired schedule thus making me more stressed.

so, the reason why i was kept in a bad mood was because mom told me that i have enough on my plate. all the competitions, the student organizations, the magazine, the school work, the tests, the assignments. everything is killing me. but i need her to have faith in me. i need her to believe that i can actually do the things that i’m doing. do the things that i have committed on doing.

so i cried and asked myself if i could do it or not. if i can actually bear through all of this and complete it successfully. idk. i honestly don’t know and i’m scared of it. but i know that once this is all done, i’m going to give myself a break. go to a secluded corner in a coffee shop and write my brains off. i’m going to get things done one by one and then sleep like a baby.

systematical. that’s the way i should do it.

but for now, i’m going to hit the sheets pretty quick. piano exams are in two days. i better be ready.

the perfect closure

pumpkin cakes & jack-o-lanterns

it’s past midnight for me already.

halloween’s over. and despite staying at home and not partying my night away, halloween doens’t turn out so bad. i was actually happy with today. i’m being productive and is being a good girl for doing some of the tasks i have been postponing.

anyway, today, i didn’t do much. my sister carved the jack-o-lantern and my mom made REALLY REALLY GOOD pumpkin cakes with its slimy innards. xD it’s the first time that i get to eat a pumpkin cake and i have to say that even though i’m not really a fan of the pumpkin taste, i adore dipping them in cream cheese and having them melt in my mouth such bliss.

well, i’m not actually doing nothing. i finished my song surprisingly. it has been bugging me in the back of my head for days but i just couldn’t find the right notes. what’s funny is that i finished the song in within 15 minutes after finishing breakfast. so i guess my brain was functioning very well this morning ^^ had roast chicken for lunch and a slice of pumpkin cake for desert. skipped dinner since i don’t bother with them nowadays. i finished painting the background for my art project and i get to practice a little piano. mind you, i don’t get to practice a lot since i’m too busy in playing my newly made song but i’ll try to swing it. i just wish that tomorrow would be one of those lucky days.

sooo~ i’m retiring for now. it’s late and i have school tomorrow.

happy belated halloween to you all who are celebrating. have fun, party hard, and enjoy the night. even though mine kinda sucks a bit, i hope yours doesn’t. see you ~

mood: i’m sad i don’t get to feel the spook.

picture: mobile phone

it’s actually not done yet. but what do you think? those small details are killing me T.T feel free to drop me a comment on it

old and young

*sigh* i’m being very bad now. since i’m writing at half past 12 when i’m supposed to be sleeping– i have piano lessons tomorrow at 9, and i haven’t rehearsed due to matters i’m now going to explain. *sighs again* i’m being very naughty.

right. so i can’t write yesterday. was so darn tired and so i hit the sheets pretty quick.

yesterday… how could i describe it? you see… that was the first time i get to see a couple carrying a newborn baby and someone dying across from me at the same day. it was approx. 11 AM that day, apparently he had a heart attack and died. his daughter was hysterical, she fainted, and had to be moved to another room. then there goes the phone, telling relatives that he’d died already and the cremation preparation and stuff. it was really depressing. i was really scared. really. the good thing is that i was able to draw in inspiration and write a little about the hospital scenes in my book. it’s not going to be a sad ending, don’t worry. but knowing that i’m actually writing that part of the story inside the ICU itself, i feel really… how do you say it? accomplished. lol.

i think until yesterday, i’ve been too blind about the mechanical way human live. mechanical as in, breathing, living, heart pumping blood, dying, giving birth… i’m always pondering on the emotional side thinking that anything physical doesn’t hold any challenge at all. it looks like i’m wrong all along. it is as fascinating as it is trying to know how people really feel.

the day i slept over at the hospital, i slept at 12. and woke up at 4. 4 hours of sleep and not a really good one that is… i just couldn’t understand how i survived. but i did. i survived as i’ve always have, and i’m grateful for that fact. means to me that my body is still functioning properly, and even though i lack sleep, i can still handle it. oh, and i just realize that i was actually born there, drawing my first breath at that very floor. i’ve always known all along that i was born at that hospital, but it never occur to me that i was born at that very chamber. the thought of it amazed me.

and, at first, i found it rather ironic that the ICU has to be on the same floor as the birthing chambers (?– i really don’t know the name for it. so, if you guys want to kindly correct me, then feel free to leave a comment )… but then when i think about it, it’s there for that exact particular reason. at least for me, it indicates that being born and dying both coexists together. a part of life that could not be denied. where there is a beginning, there will be an ending. and vice versa. it reminds people that: hey, a baby was born even though someone died. you don’t need to be too sad about it.

anyway, i really need to sleep right now. planning to wake up at 6. idk how i’ll do it, but i will somehow.

good night darlings…

oh, and GET WELL SOON GRANDPA!!! LOTS OF LOVE XOXO

mood: still a little depressed.

picture: Grandpaby ~DieterC

acceptance.

people!! i’m back!!

good news!! i’m actually feeling myself again after so long…

i’m finally feeling that i’m finding myself after being lost for quite some time. and that feeling… you cannot describe it. it was just.. magical.

you get so happy that you find your old self again that you just want to patent and copyright it so that it would never have to go from your hands anymore. but life will not allow you to do that, i’m sure… life is a really weird thing. you somehow have to love it, or love it unconditionally anyway, but then life itself makes living hard for you. idk what i’m talking about either but bottom line, i think that i have thrived on finding myself. and that’s saying something.

i guess the key to all of this is acceptance. do you know that a single ‘you can do it’ and a pat on the back from my dearest mom could make my piano lesson less torturing? i didn’t get a single loud blab from her which was different since i’m practically starting to get those hurtful words since a year ago when i’ve decided to join this piano test. that phrase ‘you can do it’ means a lot to me. i’m accepting that i am a person with high-wiring nerves and that i’m studying piano with a teacher that sometimes goes overboard with what she’s talking about and which occasionally crosses restricted boundaries. but that’s called accepting, right? i’m trying to get better.

things has also gotten better in terms of friendship. it’s not like we have resumed being best friends like we used to, on the contrary, i think i now have more sense of letting her go than ever. i understand that our minds think differently and that she needs a friend different to what i can give her and also what i expect to get. i’m accepting the situation. and so, it gets less hard to actually give in. to actually just go with the flow and see what the future holds for me.

there are two things though…

1. i never know if i can open up again. i guess the feeling of giving in only appears when you’re really going to lose something. for instance, i know that i won’t be giving up if i know that i actually have a chance in being good friends with her again. i know that when i open up to another someone the same way i have done to her, and have them go away again, i know that i’m going to go through this whole horrid process once more. because you just cannot let someone you care go that easily. you just can’t.

2. i’m beginning to think that the people close to me will always leave. this is not the first time i’m allegedly ‘losing a friend’. we’re still friends… though not as close. for one reason and another, my close friends are slowly evaporating. it’s either moving school, losing contacts, no real chemistry, whatever. it seems like they always have a reason to leave later on. maybe it’s life or even fate that is trying to teach me that everything goes and moves forward… or maybe i just trust the wrong person every time.

if i could have the opportunity to say the things that i’ve always wanted to say, it would be that leaving is hard. i’m sure that they’ve all considered all possibilities of leaving before the actual act takes place… but it’s always harder for the one’s who are left. you gotta know that.

anyhow, i’ve accepted. and that’s a good thing, is it not?

always have a smile plastered on your face, even if you have to fake one sometimes. because you might not know if you’ll going to need that little energy boost that could keep you going on from all the troubles in life. wear your heart on your sleeve and wear a smile on your face. it would surely make your days better ! ^^

cheers to a better tomorrow,

iggs

picture: found it on my pic stash.

my own version of paradise

the weekend is coming to an end soon enough…

don’t you guys think that weekends are never enough?? i do… *sigh* and i cannot help to just feel that way every time.

it’s this time again when i feel very pretty. lol. i’m not sure if i am though… i’ve heard of that everyone-is-pretty-in-their-own-way phrase, but sometimes, you just don’t buy it, you know? though i’m still struggling to plant that phrase in my head… i want to feel that i’m pretty every day! xD

so, i may have forgotten the promised detail on my Jakarta trip, but since i now remember it, i would totally write down a short account of it. a short account, in fact, only the account of the very interesting things that happened there since i kind of realized the account has expired days ago. whatever.. i hope you guys enjoyed it ^^

———————————————————————————————————————

so basically, we stayed for two nights. and basically, i eat, swim, window shop, eat, swim, window shop with a little of sleep and bathroom trips in the middle. lol. i think i lose wait instead of gaining them this holiday trip. i exercise a lot, not to mention that i also walk a lot, and idk why but at that time, i don’t feel like eating much. it’s like my body is constantly feeling full even though i know that i’m so tired. have i mentioned the fact that i have to edit until three in the morning on the first night of the trip? yes. i was really really tired and really really sleepy, but i didn’t bother to eat. because… you don’t just eat when your stomach is full. period.

anyway, there are lots of fun parts in this trip. i get to window shop a lot, bought a few little trinkets and such, but the real interesting part comes when i get to go to this Times bookstore just around the corner from the hotel.

i was… ecstatic. to say the least.

it’s not like i don’t have bookstores close to my house back in Bogor, it’s just, oh man– it felt like a paradise. i’m loving every single thing about that bookstore. the bookstores in Bogor only sell Indonesian language books. i don’t mind the Indonesian books if it is originally written in Bahasa, but if i’m searching for an English book and what they have is only Bahasa translated books, then.. psh. forget about it.

the place had a homey feel to it and it was really nice there. it was quiet, spacious, inspiring (there are lots of quotes written on the walls) and there is this big… thing (idk how to describe it) where you could sit and just read books in peace. if you go upstairs, you would find this wonderful smelling cakery where you could enjoy a fresh hot cup of coffee and a slice of chocolate cake while reading a book. really, just describing to you guys makes me want to start the car and drive myself off to that place. T.T

everything in that trip felt short and unsatisfying. although i do get my share of fun, i really do feel that the holiday ends waaayyy too quickly.

good news is that i’m getting another 10 day break from school. mid-term holiday !! ^^ yeay! i might go to Bandung… and of course, the first thing you do when you get to Bandung is check those awesome factory outlets that sells high quality clothes for less. excited already. i already have a list of the things that i want to fish off from those tempting FOs… lol.

but, in the meantime, piano is nudging me in the ribs. so i just have to bid you guys goodbye for now and play my fingers off before anything else.

see ya peeps. ^^

picture(s): trusteed mobile phone ;D

to be a bee.

hey blog. another day had dawned and, i just had breakfast.

slept in again this morning. lol. couldn’t help it. the temptation was too great. walked down the stairs to find that everyone had had breakfast and the leftover piece of bread was sitting in front of my chair, waiting for me to chow it all down. the bad news among all of this is that now i’m having a stomach ache. the ‘thing’ is like twisting my stomach. *whimpers*

anyway, i’ve decided to dedicate today for piano. i’m going to learn all of the techniques, all the skills, all the emotions… i’m going to try my best.

but it’s funny how the definition of ‘best’ alters over time. at some point in the past, you think your best is that much. that much force that you’ve exerted from your body. but through time, you realize that what you gave isn’t good enough. my question is, when is it going to be enough? is it going to be an unending pursuit of it, (like happiness) or will it, at some point, have a limit of its own and tells you that… ‘yes, this is as far as it goes’.

anyhow, i’m going to learn all that fine details of legato, staccato, tone of voice, expressions, emotions…. emotions of heartbreak, of sorrow, of happiness, of cheerfulness, and all the other -ness there is to expression names.

when i see other people trying their best in what they do, i feel ashamed that i cannot be even half as hardworking as they are. people like that always earn my respect. and somehow, rooting from my wishful thinking, i hope that someday, people will respect me… and among other things, respect me because i will always try my best.

until then blog. i shall see you in our next meeting wish me luck~ and good luck to you too.

mood: trying to focus myself

listening to: W – JYJ

picture: Hardworkingby ~tomex (i love this picture. the bee is the perfect example of a hardworking insect. ++ the flowers are a favorite of mine daisies)

help.

i feel like a failure. i know i shouldn’t, but i couldn’t help it. God help me, please.

inside the dome of illusion that i’m encircling myself with, i think i have improved.

skill, emotions, rhythm…. everything. but then outside that, i realize that i haven’t been doing anything significant. i have been doing the same thing all over again.

idk what i’m supposed to be thinking right now. idk what i should be doing. i tried my best, i really do. it wasn’t that my best isn’t good enough, but is what i’m doing right now really my best? i’m confused…

i feel as if i’ve lost my touch. lost my emotions, lost everything that was planted inside of me long ago. you know that phrase ” you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone” ? i hope i had that moment when i finally realize. the thing about me is that realization comes too slow for me. i’m such an ignorance, foolish girl that doesn’t care about the world aside from what i want and how i want it. i’ve been too selfish. forgive me.

so i’m not improving, i’m not working hard enough,… and it looks like i’ve lost my definition of working hard. what should i do? really… what should i do?

when i watch videos about idol groups that i look up to, i always think that they’re so hardworking–which is why they could achieve whatever they wanted to achieve. i want to be like them. is it wrong to actually ask that of myself? why can’t i be like them? i’m ashamed of myself… i’m really lacking self respect right now but the hell about it.

i want to do good. i want to play the piano good. i want my grades to improve. i want to finish my book. i want to get it published. i want to eat without thinking about all that calories that enter my body. i want to be able to cry in front of other people without actually be embarrassed. i want to be able to speak my mind. i want to be able to feel the emotion rush through my veins. i want to be flawless in editing. i want to be able to dress myself the way i want it to be without thinking of other people’s opinion when i’m wearing it. i want to have a best friend in which i could turn to when i need her. i don’t want to feel caged or restrained in expressing my ideas. i want to respect myself. i want to do a lot of things.

gosh am i sick.

this day hasn’t gone the way i planned it to be. idk what to do anymore. i just dont.

mood: messy

listening to: nothing.

picture: screamby ~zombiecore