the water particles in my tears just cried.
this is one of the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. and the reason being because it tells a story about life. about love, marriage, birth, sacrifice and death.
life is beautiful. beauty in love, beauty in death, beauty in everything. i applaud the crew for being able to recreate this very emotional depiction of life.
your fingers were innocent. at least i know that. at least i’m grateful that you have the courtesy of telling me that. if only you knew just how much it means to have held your hands, to be able to have a taste of what those fingers feel like reaching the insides of my wrist… i wondered if you will still say the words that you said. the words that as of now couldn’t be taken back anymore. it has been 2 months now since that night when my brain which was the only functioning part of my alcohol-induced body scolded me; when my fingers intertwined with yours like a zipper that unzipped too soon. it said: “remember this. you might never again feel this. you might never again find this to be true. you might never again hold hands with him.” ; and i wondered why i forgave you so easily when you have so blatantly undermined me with your remarks, and of the expressions of my heart for you. maybe it was because of that. maybe because we held hands that made it all the more worthwhile to get hurt. i want to move on, but at the same time it was as if some parts of me are still on the same spot. latched. not wanting to move on because all the things that might have been kept on flashing when i close my eyes. all the nice things that a jerk like you would do, and even all the things that you might again say to hurt me. i strangely anticipated it.
this is the truth. this is the most truthful that i can be with you. this is what my heart is telling the empty spaces that is this room when a girl is sitting alone writing in her journal of an afternoon sun that still shines. if this is not the truth, then there is no honesty in this world.
2013(c) Victoria Rahardjo please do not take without my consent.
it’s been a long time eh?
since we last conversed, i have done a midterm, went to a chinese new year party, had dumplings with my girlfriends and some other things that are now very good memories. had yet written about the ski trip (not even christmas) but i hope you guys hang in there because i’m slowly managing my life again and arranging it back to place.
anyhow, surprise, surprise… today i felt invincible. and to think about it, it wasn’t because of something good, not really. it can be relatively heartbreaking to some people, but i surprisingly enough found a way to look at it in a different light, in which i’m entirely grateful for.
exactly today at one in the morning, i confessed to a guy.
yes. this is the first time ever that i properly told a guy that i like him. it feels like a milestone when it shouldn’t, but nonetheless… it does. he just got back from a house party and even though he convinced me that he’s not tipsy, and that i’m actually the one who’s drunk when i barely had anything to drink, i just let him be.
the whole thing was so, again, suprisingly easy if not a little bit weird. ‘he’ was roaming inside my head ‘rent-free’ so i guess last night i was determined to ‘make him pay’ in a way that if i tell him, and if he knows that i like him, then i would not be the only one thinking about it. well, that was my logic. putting my pride aside (again for the nth time) and convincing myself that worse comes to worse i can just cry about it, i told him.
and it felt… liberating.
it was so funny because when i was telling him this, he told me that he had encountered this exact same situation with another girl and that it didn’t end well for the both of them. also telling me that it is not his ‘characteristics’ and he could be cold hearted sometimes… honestly speaking, i wasn’t really sure what he was trying to tell me aside from ‘no i don’t like you back’ which is completely fine and expected; but he was telling me even without me asking him to tell me all of that; and i just told him that i like him and that i am not expecting anything from him. i thought i made it clear… apparently not :/
see this is the thing that i’m so totally confused about, but at the same time, find funny. because i only wanted to let him know that i like him. does that have to imply to other things? it does not necessarily imply into me wanting him to be my boyfriend or even worse, sleep with him, which i find to be so stupid (this is Canada and the culture here is a lot more open than in the East, again, not implying anything bad to Canada because i love this country and it’s also probably because it’s university :/) all the while, he was finishing my sentences, and actually somehow, undermining my feelings.
so i went back, slept on it and woke up finding the whole thing so… amusing. and the thing is, even now, i’m still feeling embarrassed and hurt, and of course a little disappointed because in the end i am still a girl, and i do still have feelings, and this is the first time i’ve said anything like this to a guy face to face, but those things are easily masked by the accomplishments that i felt i have achieved. i’m actually feeling a whole lot better than what i originally expected. and now that i’ve mulled my thoughts over it, the reason why i think i’m feeling this exuberant is probably because the confession was first and foremost for me. it didn’t feel like a rejection because essentially i wasn’t asking for anything. :/ and you’ll know what i mean if you’ve fallen for someone and feel that intense confinement that is utterly maddening. saying ‘i like you’ is in reality, so very liberating;
second, i have always wanted to prove myself wrong. i attended a workshop once and the speaker told me that we should hold on to our beliefs but try to prove ourselves wrong every single day. i have always believed that he is different from the others–but after yesterday, it’s not like he became a worse person than he used to because i know he is as good as a person he ever was even now, but at least now i know he also has his flaws. he can be a jerk and an asshole like most guys are when they are choosing to be arrogant and stupid and sometimes acting so repulsive you just want to swallow your tongue, but that’s not the whole point. the point is, i was able to know what he’s like–really see him and not the image of him that i conjure in my head, and actually understand and completely accept this situation.
i’m not trying to compliment myself or anything, but i am proud of being able to not only tell him that i like him, but to also understand the situation that i am in instead of acting like the foolish little girl i was these past few weeks. that is also one of the reasons why i haven’t been blogging (aside from being genuinely busy) but that’s another story altogether. bottom-line, the feeling that i have the strength to summon that much courage, that i do have the power to understand, and that i have the capability to be so much a human, but at the same time being accepting… that is a milestone to me. not the fact that i confessed, but the fact that i understood.
if you’re asking me how i feel right now, at this very moment… i do still like him. i have no control over these things… unlike some people who are capable of ‘stopping their emotions’–you have no idea how much envy i have for those people–i can’t do it. as of now, i’ll like him with less burden just because i know he knows that i like him >:D or i’ll wake up one day realizing that i no longer like him and never will again (:
from the strawberry-dark chocolates that i think i had too much, to slacking off studying latin and drinking bland tea from a tea bag that has been brewed far too often (if that is even the right word for it) everything became so clear.
he was someone i like. i like him in a special way and that in itself is a strong gesture for me. i didn’t give it a lot of thought until my friend told me that i better text him regardless. and in the middle of texting him, i realized that if he stood me up then, i would understand. liking him was like floating. i liked him, but at the same time didn’t know much about him. a friend told me that i might just like the image i have of him and that’s probably true however pathetic that sounds.
if he insisted that i shouldn’t like him… if he thought of it that way… then why can’t he just act like a jerk? why does he act like a jerk but then sometimes do things that i can’t help but like?
i think it’s me. i should be more careful next time–of the person who i will spend thinking most about and making me dysfunctional.
i woke up to the soft pitter-pattering fluttering footsteps out my window.
even before i opened my eyes, i know the snow fairies have came, small, but in troops, descending on earth.
i watched as i snuggled deeper into my covers… shivering. some of them came by and said hello through the blinds that i left open last night. i realized they come by different shapes and sizes.
six o’clock
seven o’clock
eight o’clock
nine o’clock
ten.
they keep on hurdling down in a speed so alarming they descended on a different angle, but descended still. sometimes more vertically, sometimes more diagonally, i wondered if the wind had hurt them. because you know, snow fairies aren’t supposed to stumble and fall. they’re supposed to glide and gleam and shine like swarovskis falling from the sky.
i got up and laid my palm on the window. with the mind of a little girl i looked up to the sky and knew that it would not stop soon. the ice queen was furious and angry. the little fleet of snow fairies that came days ago are now slushy and grey, defeated into sludge. i saw the cloudy gates wide open, and saw them in sprinklers charging towards the frozen grounds–meanwhile below, i heard the snow truck clearing away the freshly embedded troops from the streets, deliberately killing them.
the shrill, high pitched cry of the ice queen was unmistakable.
“humans.” she shook in fury, and with all that she can summon, she slowly disintegrated, creating more snow troops out of her own most noble and coldest flesh.
the little girl in my head… she was crying. i caressed the cold glass with the tip of my forefinger, as if trying to reach for snow, as if scared that they would melt because of my heat.
“something’s got to give.” the little girl in my head said.
the ice queen didn’t stop. with a maddening glare she looked at earth, her slender legs reduced to stumps.
“but if you always give, you will run out.”
her glare softens and in my mind, she looked at the little girl.
“i know.” she said, barely a whisper. “but don’t you see how white and beautiful it is when they are fresh?”
she teared, and that too became snowflakes.
“i have been shamed. the slush and the wet and the cold that got into peoples’ boots and heels and leather shoes… they are pieces of me dying and dead from the thousands of feet and car tyres. but don’t they remember when they were five and saw me for the very first time for what i was and smiled?”
silence. neither i, nor the little girl felt like it was our place to say anything at all.
“i’m going to die a thousand death.” she gestured towards the millions of her own self now insignificant bits of white ice. “and even though they cannot love me forever, at least at this moment, i want to remind them why they once had loved snow.”
2012(c) Victoria Rahardjo please do not take without my consent.
do you know that one of the loveliest thing to do is to smell cookies outside in the cold autumn air? the mixture of the scent of warmth and coldness combined is very intoxicating. so every time after mass, i always bring a cookie outside (they always serve teas and cookies after yay!) and like put it in my palms and just sniff it while walking back to my dorm or to the library. i must have looked insane burying my head in my palms, trying to drug myself with the smell of a cookie, but you guys all know there’s an implicit loveliness in insanity as well, so i guess it’s playing double duty.
anyways, talking about mass, and talking about loveliness, father Gregory talked about love in today’s homily. and i always sound so silly and so redundant when i blog about this (again) but i do believe in love being one of the strongest things in this world. i’m still not sure if i believe in love at first sight, but i do believe in love and that it’s lovely to be in love and that the pain is also quite lovely when you’re falling out of love. and the funny thing is that father was talking about how humans are scared of loving first and of smiling first because we are, in general, afraid of rejections…. and that was my conception of this whole thing all along.
it’s sad because i think we shouldn’t be scared to do all of those things. even though we are. because i believe that everyone deserves to have somebody they love that they can share their journey with, and whether or not that relationship is romantic, it would not happen if no one takes the first step.
so i’m scared now… of the consequences, of the risks, of everything that can potentially hurt me but i’m slowly learning to walk through life with my palms open. because even though some days i will only end up with the bruises and the blisters that i might not even anticipate, other times i will come home with happiness and loveliness and lots of them too, which will make everything worth it.
i know it’s a liiiitttle too late to do this tag, but meh whatever. -_- i swear it technically is still ‘fall’ here in Montreal, but it feels like it’s freakin’ winter already it’s not even funny. it’s been minus minus minus something centigrade constantly and i can’t even… anyways.
1. Favorite Fall lip product?
i love Revlon’s matte lipstick in In The Red. it’s … so red. and rich. or Revlon’s Wine Not.
2. Favorite Fall activity?
listen to calming music in the library or hide in one of the corners of a little cafe, drinking green tea when it rains outside. i know… it’s very specific, but i usually know what i want. lol. even certain situations i can picture clearly in my mind. or listen to the crunching leaves. (:
3 Favorite Starbucks Fall drink?
Americano or Medium/ Dark roast, both without sugar and without cream. i know i’m boring, but that’s how i usually drink my coffee. i might indulge myself with a salted caramel mocha sometime soon… maybe.
4 Favorite Fall candle?
i don’t usually use candles. but if i have to choose, i think something cinnamon scented.or something citrus-y. lol! i know that is so very fall inappropriate since citrus is usually associated with the summer, but it reminds me of mom whenever i smell something citrus-y. she loves the smell of lemons.
5. Favorite Fall accessory
scarves. never had the chance to wear them in Indonesia because it’s freakin’ 26 degrees celsius all year round. i kinda like that feeling when you wear a scarf and you feel like you’re being swallowed.
6. Haunted house, haunted hay ride, or haunted corn maze?
haunted hay ride. definitely. i have a weak heart, and i abhor things that smells horror-y and haunted-y. i can just sit and close my eyes in a haunted hay ride rather than participate in the haunted house or haunted corn maze where i have to actually trudge the grounds and have things jumping on me. i’d rather spare myself the much unneeded stress. -_-
7. Favorite Halloween movie?
watched something called the Corpse Bride when i was still in middle school and even then i found it so depressing. as far as my ‘horror movie’ history goes, that’s the most that i can take. watched Drag Me To Hell and Insidious and couldn’t sleep for a month. had nightmares… it was gross. i just… i can’t take it.
8. Favorite candy to eat on Halloween?
been dying to try those corn candies or candied apples. or 85% Lindt chocolate. which i can’t exactly categorize as Halloween candy since i basically live on it, but i’m not a big candy person anyway.
9. What is your Favorite thing about Fall?
i can’t really say because this really is the first time i’m technically experiencing ‘fall’ … things stay the same in Indonesia all year round. i love how the leaves change color for sure! but i guess what i love the most about it is how the scent of fall is everywhere. i can smell it in the cool crisp air and the hot cup of coffee someone beside me is holding in between her palms. just everything about it. (:
and that’s a wrap for my i (heart) fall tag.
do comment and link your post if you did, or is also doing this tag. (: it’s always fun to procrastinate to these.
have a happy fall-winter everyone!
xx
it was this morning when i checked the weather forecast that Viv talked to me.
go slow this time. she said. do not rush over things… do not jump into conclusions. do not assume anything. humans are dangerous creatures, she said. we are dangerous creatures. it is never clear what we want… we want everything. and even though we think we know what we want, our desires can change in a heartbeat.
feelings are arbitrary. she spoke. and they are intangible. if he’s an irregular noun with undetermined declensions, then you’ll never know where he falls in. you cannot always be the adjectival modifier that agrees to everything and everyone. that agrees to all conditions without fail. you’ll adjust and adjust up until a point where you can’t anymore and snap, like a rubber band that loses its internal spring.
you always thought that practice makes perfect. that getting hurt over and over again will make you accustomed to it. but you repeat the hurt over and over again, you’ll tattoo it into your skin. you’ll make it permanent.
so be careful this time.
do not fall for anyone you might not be able to have.
when i finally meet you, i’m going to hold your hands. just hold your hands….
i’m going to show you the rivers on my palms, the nails that are chipped, and the calluses that form from a summer job three years ago. i’m going to show you the valley of the in betweens, where your fingers are latched to mine, and mine to yours. a place so private, i’ve never let anyone in before.
because when i finally meet you, i’m going to let my fingers tell you a story…. of the little cat that was stuck on a tree, and of the little boy that scratched his palm on the tree bark. of the invention of an eco-bottle, and of a frustrated idiot who accidentally sliced his middle finger with a knife trying to make a hole for the little fish that is gasping for air. of a paper cut from a bunch of warm white crisp papers out of the printer for an immunology thesis. i’d tell you everything.
my hands aren’t the prettiest hands. the lumps and bumps are staying, the calluses more so. but these hands will build you a house, and feed you. it will dry your tears. it will curl up into fists and fight for you. we’ll be like this, hand in hand when you see your first snow and say that they look like pixie dusts, and even when the wind comes knocking at my knuckles, i swear i won’t let go… for as long as you’ll have me.
and i will do just that because it is my way of making a promise, that even though it is just for a moment, you will never have to face the world alone.
2012(c) Victoria Rahardjo please do not take without my consent.
a lot of thing has been going on blog.
i miss my family, my friends, my old food. i have my first latin quiz tomorrow, sucked at French today, had 50 something pages to read for Japanese studies class, had to re-do my notes for linguistics and i have only recently understood the gravity of having a Harvard graduate as my philosophy teacher.
and tell me i’m not going through a lot.
but what’s to complain? i’m loving my life right now, regardless of everything.
all is well.
