day 7: take a picture of your favorite quote ~ #30dayblogphotochallenge

i might as well be honest and say that i’m not the best role model you can find on matters regarding confidence and self esteem to those of you who didn’t already figure it out yet. there’s a phase in my life where i have such hideous insecurity issues, up to the point where it became maddening.

as far as i remember the only time that i am 110% confident was when i was in early elementary, and that was… a decade ago. i was, without question, the bomb all through preschool and grade 1, 2, 3. but innocence wanes as the world pushes me to be less ignorant, and with that, so does my confidence. there must be a point in everyone’s life when they realize that they’re not all that, and i (sadly) was hit in the face by reality at the very premature age of nine. you’d find that i’m a lot cooler ten years ago.

anyways~ this quote meant so much to me because, at the very young age of seventeen (and three quarters), i’m through with giving a shit of what other people think or feel or say about me (excuse my French). i’m through with crying before going to school, apologizing for the things that i didn’t do wrong, and hating myself for everything that happens. you find that even though you want other people to like you, you can’t please everyone. to say that perfection is impossible, (meehh~) might not be true. but perfection has a standard that is frustratingly hard to keep up to. you cannot be perfect for everybody. and this quote has taught me to leave the ones that has wanted me so much to be perfect and appreciate the people who are there for me regardless.

too much tears have been shed for the people who don’t matter, and too many people who don’t mind are taken for granted. and sometimes you wonder what on earth is happening to this world and to humanity but that is how it is. because humans… we (apparently) find beauty in pining over someone we can’t have and throwing away the ones who are readily there for us. which is why happy endings are overrated, and unrequited love make bigger hits than the-prince-on-a-white-horse-rescuing-the-princess love.

that picture up there is my frugal (lopsided) attempt at taking a picture of the quote that i typed so hastily on Microsoft just five mintues before i grabbed my blackberry slash camera and took a picture of it. i was planning to do a better job at it, but today has been a little hectic, and i didn’t have much time. so there you have it.

xx

because society said so.

Society: Everyone’s beautiful

Society: Don’t eat though, you don’t want to get fat.

Society: You don’t eat? Anorexic freak!

Society: You’re a size 4? You’re supposed to be a size 0!

Society: You’re an A cup? What are you, 8?

Society: You’re a C cup? That’s my Mom’s size.

Society: You had sex?! Slut!

Society: You haven’t had sex? Ha, you’re frigid!

Society: You don’t think you’re pretty? Attention seeker!

Society: You think you’re pretty? Conceited much?

Society: You believe in gay rights? Homo!

Society: You don’t believe in gay rights? Homophobic dickhead!

Society: You’re depressed? Attention seeker!

Society: You cut yourself? Still attention seeking!

Society: You can’t go on? How much attention do you want?!

-someone kills herself-

Society:  Oh, they were so beautiful! Society sucks!

http://myhoneyclaire.tumblr.com/post/22755233478/society-everyones-beautiful-society-dont-eat

i’m perfectly aware that no picture gets into Vogue without getting photoshopped. none .

but it has been years since Vogue featured someone with a plus sized body on its cover.

so anyone who still thinks that fat equals to ugly, look again.

Adele is not a size zero. but she might just be one of the most gorgeous women i’ve ever seen.

self righteous.

at one time of my life, people told me that i should be more confident of myself. and then, they told me that i am overconfident. cocky even.

they told me i cannot accept criticism, and then they told me that i couldn’t even take pride of what i do.

so what should i do?

i’m okay with aiming high. but i’m going to be really honest here and say that i’m scared of what others would think of my ambition. if i aim too high, they would say i’m (again) overconfident. but when i aim just… normally, people would say i should have more confidence.

that’s enough. i don’t want to know what other people thinks about me anymore. as you both have said, nobody’s perfect. and so for the rest of my life, no matter how long or how hard i’ve tried to be the perfect daughter, i can never be one, and will always receive pep talks.

i’ll just do it my own way this time. i don’t care if other people think i’m a snob. i don’t care if other people think i don’t have enough confidence.

so i’m self pitying, self righteous, overconfident, but weirdly enough, no self-confidence. how is that even possible? idk. that’s just that.

i’m through.

confidence is half the battle

have you ever feel like you know something, but still need reassurances anyway? i’m a person like that. i’m made of theories. theories that i made myself, that other people has inserted into me, something that i’m sure of, but at the other hand, couldn’t confirm yet. and i just had that moment where i met my revelation. that 5 minutes where i stopped doing whatever it was that i’m doing just because i just got one of my theories confirmed.

i was reading a book… sort of like a how-to-get-a-job-and-be-successful book. something that people might not expect me to read, and frankly, i wouldn’t either. i just found this book rotting at the back of the bookcase. bought it in the first place just because it was on sale

anyway, there was a paragraph that sounds like this:

Confidence Is Half the Battle

Actually, it’s more than half the battle; in some cases, it’s the entire war. if you don’t think you can do something well, you will struggle with it forever. confidence –knowing how to do something and knowing you do it well–puts you in control and eliminates fear. 

students’ beliefs about their capabilities to success fully perform academic tasks…powerfully influence how they perform in academic endeavors. because people behave in accordance with what they believe, rather than in accordance with their actual capabilities, it is individual beliefs about their capabilities, rather than their actual capabilities, that accurately predict performance attainments… [lack of confidence explains] why capable students often perform at levels before their capabilities. without believing they are capable of influencing outcomes that affect their lives, individuals have little incentive to act.

…

…

…

and that says it all. i need to find my confidence. i need to. it’s the one thing in my life that i’m greatly lacking of.

picture:

http://www.positive-thinking-for-you.com

that awkward moment when you read self esteem quotes and still feel insecure.

okay, so you know how the trend now is to post up encouraging quotes on blogs, and tweet encouraging tweets. i come across a few of these just recently and being a girl who is trying to increase her self esteem, i really appreciate how people attempt to help other people to gain their confidence. several picture quotes or typographies are sometimes very inspiring, they give me something to think about.

but you know how at certain moments you just don’t believe what other people say. despite knowing that there’s nothing perfect in this world, your stubborn head does not accept that. it’s not really a phobia with imperfection, it’s the want to be as perfect as you can be, ending up not perfect at all. i’m not blaming people who are already too kind in making these quotes, or this typographies, or this picture-quotes, i’m blaming myself. how i can drench myself in my stupidity, thinking that human can even be close to perfect? but i cannot help it. it’s human to want. it’s human to be greedy. whether or not i dislike that fact, i will always act as humans do.

so i will make this a part of my 2012 New Year’s resolution. we’re halfway 2011 already blog… where did time go?

anyways, i want to believe that we are beautiful. that i am beautiful. i want to believe that i am beautiful in my own way, because God makes no mistakes. 

picture (s):

http://stunningisyou.tumblr.com/page/3

http://stunningisyou.tumblr.com/page/4

a tough gum to chew.

okay, so this is my last post for today… it’s not something very important, really… i just think about blogging about it.

i may be a girl of insecurity, and yes, a LOT of people know that and have taken advantage of that particular weakness of mine. a tip for all you girls and boys out there who acknowledges that they have self esteem: do NOT show your insecurities to other people if you don’t really trust them. they might just use your low self confidence against you. and it’s NEVER good.

nevertheless, taking all the insecurity issue aside, i’m still a tough gum to chew. i guess there are lots of types of insecurities. i often find it hard to say ‘no’ to the people whom i know previously, but if someone is to act like they’re ‘bad-ass’ in front of me, i most definitely will not tolerate it.

it’s pretty much a phase. i think i’m slowly growing myself out from being that little midget who’s scared of everybody who intimidates her. because now if you don’t respect me, then i will not waste a bead of sweat to try and kiss you up and gain your respect. i’m tired of acting how everybody is expecting me to act. i’m tired of constantly saying sorry and i bet a lot of people are tired listening to me say sorry.

so you see? it’s not really an important post. but it’s an important stage of my life. i just feel like sharing this to you, blog i don’t want to make you feel left out after i have literally abandoned you for days. lol.

anywho, i’m going to sleep now. sleeeeppyyy!~ and i still have school tomorrow…

bonne nuit. 

let’s grow old together~

i don’t know why, but pictures like this in particular can guarantee a smile on my face. a very big one. i’ve thought about it for a long time, since yesterday to be exact, and i think the reason why i love this picture so much is because it somehow radiates the promise of being together forever. if forever does exist mind you.

so this is what i’m going to do. i’m going to write a letter. a blog post really, dedicated to a future boyfriend or a future ‘life partner’. a stranger that i may not know now, but will soon fall in love with. (i hope) and it doesn’t matter that i’m still (about to turn) 17, or that i’ll probably get married in a range of 5-10 years from now… so here goes.

dear … you,

i may look like a complete lunatic, writing a post for someone that i’m not acquainted with yet… but i just want you to know that i’m waiting. it doesn’t matter that you’re not the smartest in your class; it doesn’t matter if we have an age difference of 8 years ( so long that you’re older than me :p) ; it doesn’t matter if you’re not good at sports or if you’re a dummy in music; you don’t have to be able to play the guitar because you can always see me play the piano for you (lol, cheesy). i don’t really expect you to come and ‘rescue’ me on your white horse as well… you can appear in your baggy jeans and sweatshirt for all i care. what matters is that you’re there, and that you can guarantee you’ll always be there for me. i hope you understand that your presence is what counts.

you don’t have to be cheerful all the time–because i can easily do that job for the both of us. you can act all cold and clammy even when you secretly care. and forgive me if i’m such a romantic, but believe me, you’ll not need to shower me with flowers every single day. let’s build a relationship that we both can comfortably live in, and i actually like the thought of building a life right from ground zero with you. i don’t mind living modestly. and let’s understand each other’s philosophy, even when we might not agree with each other every time. and i hope that you’ll respect me, give me room to grow and also encourage me of my dreams as i know i’ll do the same for you… i’ll expect the best that we both can give, but i’ll still love you even when i fall short of my expectations; i hope you’ll do the same thing too.

but most of all, understand that i’m imperfect and that i’m a subject to all human frailties. i lie, i scream, i cry… but i swear i’ll never cheat on you. i might not be the prettiest girl in this whole wide world and i’m hell-a insecure most of the time. but i hope you’ll learn to love me despite my flaws and accept me for who i really am. let’s lie awake and share our innermost secrets, whispering to each other as we swear our love and honor our commitments. and know that even though rules are made to be broken, promises are not… it would really pain me if you were to break your promise. i like a guy who is true to his words… i’ll also need you to trust me because i’m giving you my fragile heart as hostage, and really, there’s nothing you should worry about… in turn, i hope you’ll forever more, treat me like a priority, and not an option.

let’s plan a future that we both could play a part in, and through this i hope we can always be reminded on how completely we have learned to love.

let’s grow old together.

love,

♥ another stranger

picture: http://tiffanyfz.tumblr.com/post/3876708787/twistedtheory-strawberrytelle-lets-grow

i hate today.

today’s a bad day.

sore throat, my computer crashed, so the very detailed review that i wrote was gone just like that. i would have to rewrite it and that makes me very very very very … upset.

&& i felt so weirdly insecure today; and i can’t help but feel that everyone doesn’t like me. well, not everyone. just some certain people. i wonder when i will be able to finally get out of the black hole. it feels like a disease, you know? it’s like, you’re always putting someone ahead of you just because you can’t put yourself first. i actually wanted to be selfish for once… but i can’t. i don’t like to be selfish. i feel bad.

oh God! why is it so freakin’ hard to be myself? i kept trying to tell my own brain to just be myself but at certain times, i  can’t. it’s just like i’m programmed to be this way when this person comes, or that way when that person comes. i’m just so pathetic, i’m disgusted at myself.

++ i’m also feeling like i’m slipping in my studies. there’s this feeling of pent up frustration building inside me. and i just cannot cry and tell someone about it just because i don’t want them to see me so tied up crying about my grades. this is the thing about being an ambitious person. this is driving me nuts.

and then to top that off, i just had a VERY BIG fight with my sister. i just don’t know what’s on her brain. like literally. i know that she has some… issues. but she really doesn’t act like a sister; and most of the time, i can tolerate that. but when i lost it, i just lose it. then what am i supposed to do? i ENVY everyone who has a sister that they could share with or have a sister that they could laugh with. here’s the real shocker. i sometimes do talk to her, but i rarely feel like i can really confide to her. it’s really sad…. i don’t know what to do.

this post might sound stupid tomorrow when i’m re-reading it again since i’m crying rn and i can hardly see the words that i’m typing… but whatever. i’m screwed. everyone knows that. i just hope that i am wrong in all the right ways.

loving the imperfect

okay. so after i gruel for months now with myself, having internal dialogs with Viv, my alter ego, as well as watching a very inspiring video today, i’ve decided to go to the bottom of this insecurity issue. i’m sick. and i have to be mentally healthy this Christmas, and hopefully, all through the rest of my life. end of argument.

been on a movie fest with mom as some of you might have noticed and yesterday, we settled on Pretty Woman. it really is pop culture at its finest. one of my favorites i love it, my mom loves it, even my dad loves it! my mom and dad used to have this as a regular on their movie date. lol xD anyway, there’s this line where Vivian (don’t you just love this name?) said: people put you down enough, you start to believe it.

i was accused of being a liar back in junior high. and the thing is, i just couldn’t recall what i did lie about. because, i didn’t lie about anything! it was all true. but my friends wouldn’t believe me… oh well, it was middle school, and my friends have matured and have become the greatest friends a girl would ever need and want. but my point is that when you’re accused of lying and you’re used to listening to other people say: oh , you’re a liar; you get used to it. i remember quite clearly that when my friends stamped me as a liar, i identify myself as a liar. i believed in what other people say. so i didn’t mind lying. because i am a liar. doesn’t make any difference. a liar will lie on a daily basis, and so i did it without feeling guilty.

and then i realize that i was wrong all along. they call me a liar just because they want me to stop lying. THAT makes me confused. i wasn’t lying at the start, i start lying when my friends start calling me a liar. now whose fault is that? and so realizing that lying is a bad habit, i stopped. but now you get more confused. some people wants you to be a good liar so that you can be a good secret keeper. some people wants you to quit lying so that they can trust you. what should it be then? lying within moderation? from then on, i just couldn’t accept compliments the way i should be accepting it. it’s like i’m trying to build a wall between me and the compliments i receive. you just don’t care about being pretty or smart when you’re a liar. the bad stuff is easier to believe.

i guess i’ve been through a lot of crap doing what other people want me to do. i am stubborn. and when i say i want to be perfect, i HAVE to be perfect. it’s just me and my rigidity ><. now that i know i will NEVER be perfect, i give up. my expectation of being perfect is to be liked by all people. i’m not that girl that you see in the movies who is confident even without having any friends at all. i need friends. i need support. it’s hard to admit that i am weak. but from this point onwards, i’d like to think that i was weak. it’s hard to fulfill what everybody wants, because basically everybody want different things. i just cannot do everything at once simply because i’m human.

i should’ve listened to Shakespeare. expectations is the root to all heartache.

so starting from now i shall try to not give a damn about what other people might think about me or say about me. hate me if you will. and for the ones who cared for me, know that i love you too. i think it’s in how people project themselves. i clearly remember a time when i just hate being close to a person. like they’re emitting a bad vibe or something. i will like and dislike certain people as well, just because that is how it is. that is how it all works. i don’t want to start thinking about the worries because i’m sure other people are thinking about the same thing. thus, without knowing it, other people would have already thought about what i’m now thinking about and vice versa.

i don’t like it when people think that i’m lenient enough to get stamped on. well, okay… i might look girly (now) and i do like to doll myself up and act all princess-y, and yes i do tolerate excuses now and then but i have low tolerance on bs. so i might not be able to fight and ‘kick your ass’, but i’m strong enough for me. i’ll stand my ground.