i ♥ fall tag

i know it’s a liiiitttle too late to do this tag, but meh whatever. -_- i swear it technically is still ‘fall’ here in Montreal, but it feels like it’s freakin’ winter already it’s not even funny. it’s been minus minus minus something centigrade constantly and i can’t even… anyways.

1. Favorite Fall lip product?

i love Revlon’s matte lipstick in In The Red. it’s … so red. and rich. or Revlon’s Wine Not.

2. Favorite Fall activity?

listen to calming music in the library or hide in one of the corners of a little cafe, drinking green tea when it rains outside. i know… it’s very specific, but i usually know what i want. lol. even certain situations i can picture clearly in my mind. or listen to the crunching leaves. (:

3 Favorite Starbucks Fall drink?

Americano or Medium/ Dark roast, both without sugar and without cream. i know i’m boring, but that’s how i usually drink my coffee. i might indulge myself with a salted caramel mocha sometime soon… maybe.

4 Favorite Fall candle?

i don’t usually use candles. but if i have to choose, i think something cinnamon scented.or something citrus-y. lol! i know that is so very fall inappropriate since citrus is usually associated with the summer, but it reminds me of mom whenever i smell something citrus-y. she loves the smell of lemons.

5. Favorite Fall accessory

scarves. never had the chance to wear them in Indonesia because it’s freakin’ 26 degrees celsius all year round. i kinda like that feeling when you wear a scarf and you feel like you’re being swallowed.

6. Haunted house, haunted hay ride, or haunted corn maze?

haunted hay ride. definitely. i have a weak heart, and i abhor things that smells horror-y and haunted-y. i can just sit and close my eyes in a haunted hay ride rather than participate in the haunted house or haunted corn maze where i have to actually trudge the grounds and have things jumping on me. i’d rather spare myself the much unneeded stress. -_-

7. Favorite Halloween movie?

watched something called the Corpse Bride when i was still in middle school and even then i found it so depressing. as far as my ‘horror movie’ history goes, that’s the most that i can take. watched Drag Me To Hell and Insidious and couldn’t sleep for a month. had nightmares… it was gross. i just… i can’t take it.

8. Favorite candy to eat on Halloween?

been dying to try those corn candies or candied apples. or 85% Lindt chocolate. which i can’t exactly categorize as Halloween candy since i basically live on it, but i’m not a big candy person anyway.

9. What is your Favorite thing about Fall?

i can’t really say because this really is the first time i’m technically experiencing ‘fall’ … things stay the same in Indonesia all year round. i love how the leaves change color for sure! but i guess what i love the most about it is how the scent of fall is everywhere. i can smell it in the cool crisp air and the hot cup of coffee someone beside me is holding in between her palms. just everything about it. (:

and that’s a wrap for my i (heart) fall tag.

do comment and link your post if you did, or is also doing this tag. (: it’s always fun to procrastinate to these.

have a happy fall-winter everyone!

xx

listener

once upon a time…

when the strong scent of lemon grass is impermeable, when even the smell of damp earth goes undetected, a young girl wept on the bank of a river.

flat faced and protruding cheeks, she sat, crying brine water that silently traveled down the sides of her face. she wore a peachy cream gown that got wet at the hem, and on her skirt were rose tinted glasses… smeared. shattered.

“why are you crying?” the voice of a woman. gentle, elegant.

the girl looked up and was  so surprised of what she saw that for a while she forgot to cry. wiping the tears from her eyes with the heel of her palms, she saw that standing in front of her was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. clothed in white and blue satin, her right shoulder left bare and shimmering in the light. the lady was a water nymph.

“my heart is broken.” the girl sniffed. “and i’m scared.”

“broken? by whom?” the water nymph asked, still in her composed tone.

“my heart is broken. by a boy no less… a boy who doesn’t know what he wants.”

“is it he, or is it you that doesn’t know what he wants?” she raised one perfect blonde eyebrow.

the girl stared at the pieces of rose tinted glass on her lap. with the fear apparent in her trembling voice, she whispered, “i don’t know.”

from her crystal blue eyes, the water nymph looked at the young girl sitting carelessly on the mud. she tucked a lock of golden hair behind her ears, and listened to the girl’s cry. a sad song, a part of a limping melody. she was clutching at the glass as if for dear life, holding it to her breast so hard that blood came trickling down the gaps of her fingers.

“i was honest with him but he didn’t just reject me. i gave him permission to ignore me.” the young girl sobbed, her breath stuck in her throat.

“never. never again.” she shook her head, causing strands of her ebony black hair to fall like fountains down her clavicle.

the water nymph smiled and approached the girl with the calmness of water. carefully, she kissed the girl’s head, pale skin visible through the dark curtain of her tresses. with that, the water nymph melted and what remained was water, and a silent ripple throughout the river. because the water nymph knew the girl understood that her honesty will take her through the storm. she just needed someone to listen.

***

2012(c) Victoria Rahardjo
please do not take without my consent. 

trapped

i run. i’m out of breath. stitches are forming underneath my ribcage

all i see are walls. all i smell is rust, and blood, and more rust. the smell of iron and salt.

my footsteps echo along the halls of a seemingly unending system. it’s like there is always room to run, but nowhere to hide. out of fear and frustration, i began to cry. long strands of stress and desperation flowing freely down my chubby cheeks that i tried so hard to get rid of. as if exposed to every aspects of negativity, my ears rung in warning and my tongue felt raw. rejected, ignored, under pressure.

i kept running and what was the aorta turned into small branches of capillaries. what’s worse, claustrophobia came chasing. scared, but having the need to run away from everything, i crawled inside the suffocating tubes, trying to go as fast as i can, pacing the thin surface with my palms until it felt raw. i heard the scream and i flinched, hairs rising at the nape of my neck. this is madness. this is driving me crazy. i cannot go over this.

what seemed to be escape was just another series hallways, designed to trap me in further.

running, running still, the first glimpse of despair came dripping from the dead peeling cells. washed through with a vague sense of uncertainty which was numbing, i tried desperately to dry my tears with the heel of my hands. i hate this feeling. i hate it! i hate the silence and the fact that it screamed loudly in my ears.

but what to do? i cannot cry. out of breath, i fell to my knees, and didn’t have the heart to get up again, to move on. so i gave in. i cried and cried until the first of the grief came licking up my spine and into the anterior part of my brain. the thing that i have been running away from for so long has finally caught up. i give up. i give in. i have had enough.

because there is no way out.

***

2012(c) Victoria Rahardjo
please do not take without my consent.

 

 

“you have courage and heart… you’re stronger than you look. do not lose faith in yourself, or your people. your honesty will take you through the storm.” The Young Victoria

you say good morning, when it’s midnight… going out of my head, alone at this bed… i wake up, to your sunset… and it’s driving me mad, i miss you so bad… and my heart is jet lagged. 

i could only understand a little of the lyrics, but i simply ADORE the french in this song.

didn’t know that Simple Plan personnel could speak french. my biggest bet was because they came from Montreal. new found respect for them!!

&& i absolutely love that tattoo on Marie Mai’s right arm.

c’est magnifique! 

for the first time…

she’s all laid up in bed with a broken heart, while i’m drinking Jack all alone in my local bar, and we don’t know how… how we got into this mad situation, only doing things out of frustration, trying to make this work, but man, these times are hard…

but we’re going to stop by drinking our cheap bottles of wine, sit talking up all night… saying things we haven’t for a while… we’re smiling but we’re close to tears, even after all these years, we just now have the feeling that we’re meeting, for the first time… 

hey you….

this is for you who will spend the rest of your life with me. you might be a friend of mine already, or still be a complete stranger oblivious to the fact that i’m actually writing this post now, trying to make the most out of my boredom.

so here goes. can you see both of these typographies?

http://itsmoh.tumblr.com/post/7191178323/regret-nothing

http://observando.net/post/1526567411

okay, to be honest, i prefer the latter. but what do they have in common? both of them told me to… and underline this…. to not regret anything. know that with me, that is easier said than done. i almost always regret my mistakes. i’m in a way, carefree and easygoing but i’ve been living my life behind rules… basically, know that i’m a walking contradiction :s i hope you can tolerate me who always worries too much, or sometimes, worry too little–which again, leads me into regretting that i thought too little about it.

http://wild-wasted-youth.tumblr.com/post/3210597423

but there is this one moment that i don’t regret when i went completely nuts and jumped in a trolley, like that picture up there. i wish i had a picture of it, but unfortunately i don’t. :/ i just hope that you’ll not be too embarrassed with me when times like that happen, especially when i’m having a sugar rush, which is quite often if i might say. my best friend had to wheel me around in the supermarket just because i refuse to get out of the trolley. lol. oh, and please don’t be jealous of my best friend (yes, he’s a he. ) we’ve been together since i was two, i assure you that it’s a super pletonic relationship.

http://ilovehimbigtime.tumblr.com/post/7922623358

but despite all the troubles that i will put you through, i will always reach out for you. even when the going gets rough. even when it gets too impossible to reach. i will try and fail, and try again. i know for the fact that i don’t get too bored with people easily. i’m not going to get bored of you. ever. and i hope you’ll feel the same way about me too.

http://hellyeahitsrandom.tumblr.com/post/7952358924

and i understand that on the way, we might get a little more doubtful. that the road might not be as smooth as we want it to be, but let’s hold hands and bear it together. because i will hurt. but i know that you’ll be hurting too. so let’s not blame each other… we will just end up hurting each other more.

http://sabrinachippszx3.tumblr.com/post/7944987258

 because if you’re the right decision for me, then i will always follow you. i am a girl. but i’m not a helpless one, and i don’t need you to treat me like i’m a glass doll. i’ll be there in your darkest moments, basically when you feel the shittiest. i’ll love you for who you truly are. so when you’re sad, cry. when you’re angry, or frustrated, be mad. i’ll be there to hold your cheeks and say that everything is going to be okay.

http://inspiring-pictures.com/post/7963599793

and no, it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy…

secret #1: i’m crazy over chocolate. the darker the better.

http://observando.net/page/2

secret #2: i’m a sucker for daisies. i think they are the friendliest flower.

http://whenlovetakes-over.tumblr.com/post/7946723069

i don’t need candlelight dinners, or moonlight serenades… even when you reply my text message, it makes me happy to know that you’ll always have time for me even though you’re busy.

http://jromannoo.tumblr.com/post/7945006712

i just need you to support me. it helps me to feel better when you’re always there, ready to catch me when i fall, both hypothetically and literally.

http://brianaariveraa.tumblr.com/post/7943264142

http://brianaariveraa.tumblr.com/post/7943805024/via-1000notesdotcom

i am just a girl and i’m scared of a lot of things. maybe, even some things that you think is just very unworthy to be feared. but however insignificant these problems are, it affects me. and i cannot lie here and say that sometimes, it affects me GREATLY. like this big. *stretches arm* probably even bigger. you don’t have to act like you understand, just show me that you care. that’s enough. that’s more than enough.

http://joyfus.tumblr.com/post/7262687234

so let’s just dance, shall we? and no matter how much trouble and pain and problems that life throw at us, we’re going to be together and fight together. even when you’re not strong enough for the both of us, i swear i’ll fight and defend.

http://ilovehimbigtime.tumblr.com/post/7966855147

oh, and one more thing. it would be nice, no… scratch that…. a blessing if you can promise me to be different. but i’d rather you not promise anything, if you’re not sure that you can fulfill it. i’ve said this a thousand time, and i’ll say it again. rules are made to be broken. NOT promises. just show me that you’re different, and i’ll be the luckiest girl in this entire universe.

i’m crazy with fairy-tales, but i don’t care if our story isn’t like one. because we’ll make our own mistakes and our happy memories. it’s knowing that you’ll be there to kiss my forehead and let me snuggle into your hug that makes me strong. i just need your comfort. that’s all.

like a line in The Notebook says: “Despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other.”

it doesn’t matter that you come from Mars and i come from Venus. so to speak. because…

  

and that says it all. 

i’m not perfect.

okay. so…

*speaks to self* i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.i’m not perfect. i’m not perfect.

that is some sort of a personal mantra. really, i expect too much of myself! and yes, i can definitely admit that, but it’s something that i do subconsciously. i never think that i’m pushing myself over my limits if i don’t give myself time to sit and think about it. i have to know that i might not always be on the top of the class, that i’m indeed not as good in math or chemistry or physics than the rest of my class, and that i might not be on everyone’s good list. i have to accept that people will hate for some reasons unexplainable… but i have to learn to forgive myself, and learn that i cannot blame everything that happens on myself. it’s time i make peace with my heart and my body. i needed that.

so now, i shall sleep and rest my tired body. >< ridiculously tired, and i’m actually still trying to worry about things. tsk. stupid girl. ><

this is a little gift. check that video!! super awesome… and NO auto-tunes! aren’t you guys just sick of those fake songs that make it on the chart? tsk. anyways… here it is!

let’s grow old together~

i don’t know why, but pictures like this in particular can guarantee a smile on my face. a very big one. i’ve thought about it for a long time, since yesterday to be exact, and i think the reason why i love this picture so much is because it somehow radiates the promise of being together forever. if forever does exist mind you.

so this is what i’m going to do. i’m going to write a letter. a blog post really, dedicated to a future boyfriend or a future ‘life partner’. a stranger that i may not know now, but will soon fall in love with. (i hope) and it doesn’t matter that i’m still (about to turn) 17, or that i’ll probably get married in a range of 5-10 years from now… so here goes.

dear … you,

i may look like a complete lunatic, writing a post for someone that i’m not acquainted with yet… but i just want you to know that i’m waiting. it doesn’t matter that you’re not the smartest in your class; it doesn’t matter if we have an age difference of 8 years ( so long that you’re older than me :p) ; it doesn’t matter if you’re not good at sports or if you’re a dummy in music; you don’t have to be able to play the guitar because you can always see me play the piano for you (lol, cheesy). i don’t really expect you to come and ‘rescue’ me on your white horse as well… you can appear in your baggy jeans and sweatshirt for all i care. what matters is that you’re there, and that you can guarantee you’ll always be there for me. i hope you understand that your presence is what counts.

you don’t have to be cheerful all the time–because i can easily do that job for the both of us. you can act all cold and clammy even when you secretly care. and forgive me if i’m such a romantic, but believe me, you’ll not need to shower me with flowers every single day. let’s build a relationship that we both can comfortably live in, and i actually like the thought of building a life right from ground zero with you. i don’t mind living modestly. and let’s understand each other’s philosophy, even when we might not agree with each other every time. and i hope that you’ll respect me, give me room to grow and also encourage me of my dreams as i know i’ll do the same for you… i’ll expect the best that we both can give, but i’ll still love you even when i fall short of my expectations; i hope you’ll do the same thing too.

but most of all, understand that i’m imperfect and that i’m a subject to all human frailties. i lie, i scream, i cry… but i swear i’ll never cheat on you. i might not be the prettiest girl in this whole wide world and i’m hell-a insecure most of the time. but i hope you’ll learn to love me despite my flaws and accept me for who i really am. let’s lie awake and share our innermost secrets, whispering to each other as we swear our love and honor our commitments. and know that even though rules are made to be broken, promises are not… it would really pain me if you were to break your promise. i like a guy who is true to his words… i’ll also need you to trust me because i’m giving you my fragile heart as hostage, and really, there’s nothing you should worry about… in turn, i hope you’ll forever more, treat me like a priority, and not an option.

let’s plan a future that we both could play a part in, and through this i hope we can always be reminded on how completely we have learned to love.

let’s grow old together.

love,

♥ another stranger

picture: 
http://tiffanyfz.tumblr.com/post/3876708787/twistedtheory-strawberrytelle-lets-grow

i love You too, God.

i’m definitely positive that my heart is incapable to love as much as You do; i have sinned so much it’s uncountable, but please believe that i love You too, God. and even when i fall into temptation, i will always get back to You. always.

picture: 
http://thenextfasheneestah.tumblr.com/post/3503327118/reblog-if-you-love-god