fondness

Mandy is just your average girl living the big life: college;

as mundane as college life is, she acknowledges that not everyone can afford a higher education. in that way she knows that she’s very blessed. but on a particular september where the nights get a little colder, only leaving little remnants of the summer air that will soon condense into frost, instead of doing her readings on Post-Mao films, she thought about fondness.

however it may be applicable to other people’s lives, her heart seems to always be under renovation. of the 1587902347582019876456 people who lives in there, one has conned her, one verbally abused her, one broke her heart… but as she forgives and moves on, they stayed. her heart wasn’t a temporary resident. people come and go, and even for some, they go and never come back. Mandy hasn’t seen them in a while, maybe even in forever, but the ghost of their mind and touches remained in her like wisp of whispers.

it strikes Mandy as a bit weird, as she isn’t exactly a believer of second chances. she is careful of accepting back the people who have hurt her in the past into her present life, even though in her heart she housed every single one of them. Mandy is imperfect in that way, you know. is this the effect of ‘love is blind’? any kind of love at all: friendship love, platonic love, parental love, filial love, romantic love… maybe once a blind person forever a blind person. maybe there is no cure to this blind madness. maybe. but (also) just maybe, this is room for change. a space to heal. maybe once in a while, in dusty rooms of people who have hurt her too much for her to forget, Mandy sweeps the floor and tell herself that her hatred does not divide oceans and her wounds would heal.

maybe fondness is to have salvation. she will always have room for people who have touched her heart regardless of the various ways that they did it; with a knife, with chopsticks, or with a pinky. everyone has a place to stay.

i don’t need you to feel sorry for us.

to:  a certain someone. you’ll know who you are.

i guess this will be the last time i’ll be saying this to you.

i might warn you though… this can be a little harsh, and if you’ve had a rough day, you might want to come back to this post a little later, but you’ll have to come back, because i’m saying this now, and saying it no more.

first and foremost, i don’t want your apologies. because i’ve known since long ago that you always deny and contradict yourself in your previous explanations–thus i feel i need no more.

i don’t understand why you can judge us so easily. true, we live in a democratic country where you can be opinionated, and that your opinion will count, but a year DOES NOT make you an expert. you said that you didn’t mean to refer to us when you were saying about us making smaller communities, but then again, i remember reading it very clearly that you mentioned us. why do you have to deny that? doesn’t that make you even worse?

and no, i don’t need you to confirm yourself that you’re a chicken, a jerk, and whatever it is that you called yourself. i guess what we’ve wanted all along was your understanding. we want you to understand that we were hurt by the words that you have carelessly written.. we just need you to listen.

let me make myself clear. i love my friends… they might be one of the most major reasons why i’m keeping up with the school. i might be into korean boybands, i might be into writing, but i’m not the novelist, nor am i the kpop worshipper. NO ONE gives me that label. not even you. we are not dividing ourselves, we are diversic in our own way, and on the contrary, diversity was what kept us together… that doesn’t tear us apart. i’d rather be in a small, tightknit, loving community rather than be in a sea of people and still feel lonely, so i guess that answers your question.

the one thing that angers me though was when you said you felt sorry for us. well, here’s the newsflash. i don’t need you to feel sorry for me. for us. because we are not pathetic little creatures who feeds on others’ sympathy.

trust me, i wasn’t writing this as an impulse of the moment. i wasn’t writing this because you were my ex-boyfriend and believe me, i don’t loathe you in any way. you’re my friend, and you still are. idk why i’m now writing my third response to your blog post… i’m not a constant reader of your blog, and i don’t really know what you’ve written on there except for the ones in which my friends showed me, but it was painful, what you said.

so i hope you now understand why we were so angry at you. in the one year that you were with us, you should’ve known that we take pride in our friendship. and i’m done saying this. that was the end.