Vivienne had been a bit stressed. now a U2 in McGill, she has to deal with a lot of shit that got in her way. like the fact that she might not get into joint honours, or that she’s so busy trying to find sponsorship for her event that’s happening next week. not to mention she is constantly occupied with her research job, going back and forth to the phonetics lab trying to key in the last pieces for the experiment to work. maybe people can say that she’s a little bit spoiled that way. she has a job, she goes to McGill, at least she’s not failing, so what if she doesn’t get into the joint honours program? but she has always had a high expectation of herself and that made her a tiny studious brat. but on that sunday night she lets herself fall apart. feeling a little rebellious, she ate clementines on her bed, letting the juice dribble down to her white bedsheets, staining it slightly orange. she doesn’t mind it though… she likes to smell a little citrusy after all.
that night, after a stumbling trip back from another study session, she cried watching an episode of 우리 결혼했어 when a couple went into a special sort of ‘military training’ program to strengthen their relationship. they were supposed to cross a rope that was suspended high in the air, and the girl was so scared that the guy went back to her and helped her cross the rope while walking backwards, guiding her through the process. while accidentally biting into a clementine seed (“it said seedless on the box!” she cried) she couldn’t help but think that if it were James and her, she would probably be the guy and James would be the girl knowing how he hates the height. after all, even though James does not like to admit it, she has always been the manlier of the two despite being the lady in the relationship. she doesn’t mind it though. as long as it works, she said.
as long as it works.
Mandy is just your average girl living the big life: college;
as mundane as college life is, she acknowledges that not everyone can afford a higher education. in that way she knows that she’s very blessed. but on a particular september where the nights get a little colder, only leaving little remnants of the summer air that will soon condense into frost, instead of doing her readings on Post-Mao films, she thought about fondness.
however it may be applicable to other people’s lives, her heart seems to always be under renovation. of the 1587902347582019876456 people who lives in there, one has conned her, one verbally abused her, one broke her heart… but as she forgives and moves on, they stayed. her heart wasn’t a temporary resident. people come and go, and even for some, they go and never come back. Mandy hasn’t seen them in a while, maybe even in forever, but the ghost of their mind and touches remained in her like wisp of whispers.
it strikes Mandy as a bit weird, as she isn’t exactly a believer of second chances. she is careful of accepting back the people who have hurt her in the past into her present life, even though in her heart she housed every single one of them. Mandy is imperfect in that way, you know. is this the effect of ‘love is blind’? any kind of love at all: friendship love, platonic love, parental love, filial love, romantic love… maybe once a blind person forever a blind person. maybe there is no cure to this blind madness. maybe. but (also) just maybe, this is room for change. a space to heal. maybe once in a while, in dusty rooms of people who have hurt her too much for her to forget, Mandy sweeps the floor and tell herself that her hatred does not divide oceans and her wounds would heal.
maybe fondness is to have salvation. she will always have room for people who have touched her heart regardless of the various ways that they did it; with a knife, with chopsticks, or with a pinky. everyone has a place to stay.
completely exhausted today… today was a hard first day of school. immediately three back to back courses, one of which is one and a half hour long, the others being one hour long each… and then another class after that which is two hours. and then there was the two hour meeting and location check, and then i was home and i still had to deal with a couple of email sending and research sentence thinking.
but even then i’m still finding the time to write because i’m scared i’ll forget. i’m trying to make a habit of this… of pushing myself to the limit. we’ll see how it goes.
anyways, in this post i’m going to talk about trust. well it’s also a lot about love… but not really. am i confusing you already? (;
i have never walked into this long distance relationship thinking it would be easy. thought about it, worried about it, and then thought about it again… i put A LOT of my time and energy thinking about a relationship that wasn’t even established then (which is what i always do if you haven’t noticed: to over-think) until i finally jumped the wagon and said: “okay. let’s try and do this.”
today’s our one month anniversary, and the relationship is still nothing but a seed. very tiny, almost invisible but slowly growing into what i hope is something more stable and certainly something stronger. but of course, there comes this thing called, quote on quote, trust issues. i think, looking back at how i’ve lived these past twenty years, i’ve been someone who generally just trust people- which is weird because both of my parents have trust issues and i know that… and i am the byproduct of them both, so why did they produce such a naive (sometimes overtly stupid) child? i’m not sure. i think it’s also because i have gotten used to wearing my heart on my sleeves, knowing that allowing myself to be vulnerable is one of the first steps for me to have the ability to love and to be loved back. but at times i can’t help but feel insecure, and i think this is usually what happens in every relationship. these thoughts of “oh he can find a better girlfriend.” or “she’s prettier than me…” or “she’s smarter than me…” or all these other useless shits that your brain shoves at your face because you know there’s always going to be people prettier than other people, or people smarter than other people.
but i’m actively trying to be in a mindset where i can openly accept all the possibilities with a ready heart. even if i hypothetically cannot trust anyone, i want to be in a mindset where i think: “i’ll try to trust him. if anything, he’ll be the only person i would trust.”
which might not exactly be healthy per se because humans under influence of the universe and all that is dynamic, can change… and he might turn out to be a jerk who betrays you and break your heart. but if that happens, you should just amp up the confidence and be like: “it’s your loss. i’m a pretty damn good girlfriend you fool.”
for now though, at least for now… i want to trust him.
as you all have known from my previous blog posts, college life is definitely a point of rediscovery in my life. i learned a lot of new things, but also rediscovered a lot of old important values and beliefs–and now that it is #backtoschool season (with necessary hashtags), yet again, i think it appropriate to mention this in my blog at least once.
three months before i walked out of rez in first year, i was confident that i wanted to live alone. having had roommate problems during that year, i thought i have had enough and felt that i needed some time on my own. so i settled with the idea of having a cute little 3 1/2 or even 2 1/2 to myself and have some unlimited and liberal me-time when i’m home in my quaint little cozy apartment. but then along the way, it dawned on me that living alone might be a little scary. because even though it is not a terrible case of depression or anything, i do get terribly homesick sometimes and i also get panic attacks when i’m stressed so i changed my mind in the last minute and ended up third wheeling these people who lived across from my room during first year. it turned out to be the best decision of my life.
today was not a good day and i could feel it the second i woke up. it was good ol’ period cramps- even though it may be a little personal, but this part of the story is essential. i forgot my advil at west island, an hour commute away from downtown montreal. and an hour after i was done skyping with my mom, the cramps got so horrendous that i can do nothing about it anymore. so i just laid there on my bed like a little sick child and did nothing for what seemed like hours. but both fiona and rebecca are darlings. fiona and rebecca are my roommates for a year and a half now and they have repeatedly made me so glad that i jumped the roommate wagon. i’m now writing with my stomach full and warm, both thanks to my roommate– if it wasn’t for fiona’s cooking and rebecca’s hot pack i would probably still feel like i was dying on a cold rainy sunday night. they took good care of me, and they made me feel so loved (:
people say that you appreciate the good things you have been blessed with a lot more when you are in a bad situation, and as cliche as it is, it is true. i realize more than ever now that although a lot of compromises had to be made while living together with someone else who might just be at the very beginning, practically strangers to you, it is human interaction that you need. i am saying this just as a general assumption… it’s true that not everyone needs a roommate and that you can get human interactions anywhere, but even though having roommates is a tricky affair, i’m glad i made the decision to have one (or two!) because they are just such easy access to connectedness and camaraderie when they are people who, like me, are also struggling with the same things at the same time (e.g. finals);
both of my roommates are definitely worth the shot.
having written so many blog posts about procrastination, it shows just how much i procrastinated. the amount of hours spent in trying to make the layouts of a blog post look pretty but professional can actually be spent in trying to finish up an essay that i have been pushing back for the whole weekend. guilt acknowledged. you might even ask if i’m writing this blog post out of procrastination… thankfully not, as i’m just using my time wisely while supervising a class full of students taking the French Placement Tests in McGill. (: baby steps in overcoming this seemingly everlasting dispute.
but in most of my hours procrastinating, i’ve also questioned procrastination. why do i procrastinate?
i’m not sure how many people would identify with my problems, but i’m often very excited to start a new project. i am thrilled with the idea of having to ‘work’ on something new, to work alongside amazing people, whether old or new, and i’m just happy to know that i’ll have something to do, because i have always been someone who gets nervous with ‘unemployment’ (probably scared she’ll become a fat kid, eating way too many chips and being a couch potato).
i’m always there watching Korean dramas about lovers who found out that they are in reality siblings, thinking of where it went wrong, and when exactly did all of that excitement turn into non-excitements. because i’m pretty sure somewhere along the way, i decided that i’m not looking forward to the new project anymore, or that i’m not looking forward to do the assignment that i was once so interested in anymore.
but after what may be a shitload of procrastination hours, i think i finally found the answer. it was the perfectionist trait. it has always been the perfectionist trait. perfectionists, as is defined by the word ‘perfect’ and ‘perfection’ likes to be ready when they are faced with any task whatsoever. and of course, i want to do the stuff that i’m so excited about perfectly, and there is no way that i’m screwing up that amazing paper that i have envisioned for the whole week.
that is where the satanic circle starts.
there’s this hitch on thinking too much and doing too little… i got caught up in this fantasy of starting a new project and finishing it brilliantly when i forget to actually start. i finally realized that instead of a mature preparation, the right timing is more important. because a lot of people think that starting a project that has been planned for long without fully preparing themselves are not a good idea, but honestly, the right timing is hard to come by.
and what is the right timing if you may ask? it’s just whenever. but for perfectionists, the right timing has always been that point in space and time that they can never come back to. it’s like a timeline that does not rewind, and then they’re stuck in the future, their grand master plan a failure because it’s not perfect anymore. and since it’s not perfect, they find no reason to continue, or rather, start. so the marvelous plan stayed as a plan, and nothing was done about it until deadlines are around the corner and what is produced is a shitty piece of font 12 document that the professors and TAs are not impressed about.
having discovered this, i’m not saying that i’m fully healed. i’m still in the process of recovery, trying to catch myself in the brink of procrastination and telling myself that perfection isn’t everything if you couldn’t even start the damn thing. what really helps is to imagine my life in a timeline. of the things that i’ve done, and the things that i will be doing, but definitely also about the present. understand that if you don’t do it now, you could always do it five minutes later, but also know that five minutes later you might regret that you didn’t do it now. and throughout your life of procrastination, imagine all the hard work that you have put in in the past and how all of that will come to waste if you procrastinate even for just a minute.
all of that comes down to just doing it. perfection comes only in the finishing touches.