that night, i’m happy i went. i don’t think i will forget that night for a very long time… or i might not even forget about it at all. this could be the trashiest talk i have ever made here (haha)(in the midst of all of my reflections and drawings)(seriously though) but it might honestly be just one of the best nights i have spent living in Montreal; and i thought listening to this type of music for 3 hours straight would be impossible, but it seems like i’m taking a liking to dubstep music now.

Skrillex killed it.


compassion hurts.

when you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. and you cannot turn away. your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. you must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. you must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.


-Andrew Boyd.

hanya teman

cantik bukanlah kata yang tepat untuk mendeskripsikan perasaan saat ia menyandar di dadaku dengan mata terpejam.

“your heart’s beating so fast.”

komentarnya yang asal keluar pun terdengar lucu. padahal sebenarnya aku kok sepertinya biasa-biasa saja. sambil melihat-lihat posting instagram, tangan kiriku mengelus kepalanya sesuai dengan permintaannya. aneh, bagaimana cepatnya aku bisa terbiasa dengan sebuah keadaan yang tidak pernah aku alami sebelumnya. namun walaupun begitu, perasaanku sampai disitu saja. entah mengapa hubungan antara aku dan dia hanya sebatas itu: sebuah kedekatan.

ada hormon yang disebutkan dengan oxytocin. oxytocin ini bekerja dalam berbagai macam situasi seperti perkenalan, pendekatan, dan pair bonding. tapi mau sekuat atau sedewa apapun hormon ini, pengaruhnya hanya sampai disitu saja: pendekatan.

dan yang aku rindukan adalah rasa sayang, bukan kedekatan belaka. sekarang, tidak ada orang yang tahu sebagaimana besar keinginanku untuk menyukainya lebih dari apa yang aku rasakan. dia hanyalah seorang teman yang baik, dan mungkin tidak akan lebih dari itu.


that beast from within

i didn’t know when it was but at one point, it felt like i can summon this beast from within. have you ever felt that way? especially during hard and stressful times, like exam weeks or paper writing times or interview periods, i would have this willpower to focus and concentrate; but lately, it’s as if i lost it, or more like i couldn’t find all that superpower energy of being able to focus and concentrate. i think i have been slacking off a lot and like muscles that have been deprived of exercise, my willpower has sagged considerably. maybe the beast has gotten too addicted from all the TV shows that i’m recently watching, or the beast might also be too much in a romantic mood to get anything done. i’m not too worried about it because i know that it’s something that i alone can fix, but it will exhausting i suppose, trying to bring it back.

lol and look at me blogging instead of doing work. (sigh)

i’ll get going i guess. see you loves



he confessed to me yesterday.

it’s one of those things that you can’t really get used to… confessions.

i said no, because i didn’t think it’s fair for me to like him when i am still struggling to erase whatever feelings i have for the other guy, let’s refer to him as Winston.

his respond was funny now that i think of it, because he asked why and i told him my reason, and he said he didn’t mind if i still have feelings for Winston, as long as i have feelings for him too, but to be honest, i don’t know how i feel about him. for now, i’m sure he’s just a really really good friend. but despite of ‘no’, i hope i denied him gracefully. i know how ugly and disgusting rejections can make you feel, but hopefully the way i said ‘no’ yesterday didn’t undermine him in any way. it’s probably very selfish of me but i wish we can still remain as friends, because hanging out with him so far had been comfortable after all, and like i said, he is just a very good friend.

in another way, i appreciate that he gathered up the courage to let me know that he likes me. it makes me feel like a girl, different than how wearing a skirt, or putting on make up makes me feel– and i haven’t had that feeling for such a long time now. regardless of how it turns out, i’m thankful. it’s always nice to feel loved (:




have you ever felt like the most inconsiderate person? you must have felt like that at least once in your life, right?

well i have… multiple times actually, but i was reminded of how it felt like last night.

i was late coming to the movies to begin with, and all the while he tried to make small talks with me hoping that it would not be awkward between us and oblivious to that, i did not make the effort to help him. probably because it wasn’t awkward for me, i liked going out with him, as friends. just as friends.

it was only after he walked me home and i went in my apartment that i realized… he knows a lot more shit about me than i know shit about him. i don’t know how he feels about me, but regardless of that, and regardless of how i feel about him, i should’ve tried harder… i think.

in my defense, i was just trying to be careful. it hasn’t been long since i last tried to recover and i’m not exactly in the mood to start something new yet. and it’s only been two weeks that i have finally started writing again, i’m not ready for another disappearance. (;

this might be one of the rare times that i am in the receiving end of a relationship, and not the other way around like how it has always been with me. and because of that, it made me think: “oh, was this how he treated me? was this how i eventually got hurt?”  i should’ve known better having been through all of that, but i didn’t learn, and in the end, was still unfair. effort has to be made, not just in love, but also in friendship.

last night, i was definitely wrong, and now that i realize how awkward it must’ve been for him, i feel ashamed. if ever i get through my shamefulness, i would probably tell him that i’m sorry… to have made him go through the temporary hell that i have known so well.