hanya teman

cantik bukanlah kata yang tepat untuk mendeskripsikan perasaan saat ia menyandar di dadaku dengan mata terpejam.

“your heart’s beating so fast.”

komentarnya yang asal keluar pun terdengar lucu. padahal sebenarnya aku kok sepertinya biasa-biasa saja. sambil melihat-lihat posting instagram, tangan kiriku mengelus kepalanya sesuai dengan permintaannya. aneh, bagaimana cepatnya aku bisa terbiasa dengan sebuah keadaan yang tidak pernah aku alami sebelumnya. namun walaupun begitu, perasaanku sampai disitu saja. entah mengapa hubungan antara aku dan dia hanya sebatas itu: sebuah kedekatan.

ada hormon yang disebutkan dengan oxytocin. oxytocin ini bekerja dalam berbagai macam situasi seperti perkenalan, pendekatan, dan pair bonding. tapi mau sekuat atau sedewa apapun hormon ini, pengaruhnya hanya sampai disitu saja: pendekatan.

dan yang aku rindukan adalah rasa sayang, bukan kedekatan belaka. sekarang, tidak ada orang yang tahu sebagaimana besar keinginanku untuk menyukainya lebih dari apa yang aku rasakan. dia hanyalah seorang teman yang baik, dan mungkin tidak akan lebih dari itu.

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that beast from within

i didn’t know when it was but at one point, it felt like i can summon this beast from within. have you ever felt that way? especially during hard and stressful times, like exam weeks or paper writing times or interview periods, i would have this willpower to focus and concentrate; but lately, it’s as if i lost it, or more like i couldn’t find all that superpower energy of being able to focus and concentrate. i think i have been slacking off a lot and like muscles that have been deprived of exercise, my willpower has sagged considerably. maybe the beast has gotten too addicted from all the TV shows that i’m recently watching, or the beast might also be too much in a romantic mood to get anything done. i’m not too worried about it because i know that it’s something that i alone can fix, but it will exhausting i suppose, trying to bring it back.

lol and look at me blogging instead of doing work. (sigh)

i’ll get going i guess. see you loves

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고백같은것

he confessed to me yesterday.

it’s one of those things that you can’t really get used to… confessions.

i said no, because i didn’t think it’s fair for me to like him when i am still struggling to erase whatever feelings i have for the other guy, let’s refer to him as Winston.

his respond was funny now that i think of it, because he asked why and i told him my reason, and he said he didn’t mind if i still have feelings for Winston, as long as i have feelings for him too, but to be honest, i don’t know how i feel about him. for now, i’m sure he’s just a really really good friend. but despite of ‘no’, i hope i denied him gracefully. i know how ugly and disgusting rejections can make you feel, but hopefully the way i said ‘no’ yesterday didn’t undermine him in any way. it’s probably very selfish of me but i wish we can still remain as friends, because hanging out with him so far had been comfortable after all, and like i said, he is just a very good friend.

in another way, i appreciate that he gathered up the courage to let me know that he likes me. it makes me feel like a girl, different than how wearing a skirt, or putting on make up makes me feel– and i haven’t had that feeling for such a long time now. regardless of how it turns out, i’m thankful. it’s always nice to feel loved (:

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friendship

have you ever felt like the most inconsiderate person? you must have felt like that at least once in your life, right?

well i have… multiple times actually, but i was reminded of how it felt like last night.

i was late coming to the movies to begin with, and all the while he tried to make small talks with me hoping that it would not be awkward between us and oblivious to that, i did not make the effort to help him. probably because it wasn’t awkward for me, i liked going out with him, as friends. just as friends.

it was only after he walked me home and i went in my apartment that i realized… he knows a lot more shit about me than i know shit about him. i don’t know how he feels about me, but regardless of that, and regardless of how i feel about him, i should’ve tried harder… i think.

in my defense, i was just trying to be careful. it hasn’t been long since i last tried to recover and i’m not exactly in the mood to start something new yet. and it’s only been two weeks that i have finally started writing again, i’m not ready for another disappearance. (;

this might be one of the rare times that i am in the receiving end of a relationship, and not the other way around like how it has always been with me. and because of that, it made me think: “oh, was this how he treated me? was this how i eventually got hurt?”  i should’ve known better having been through all of that, but i didn’t learn, and in the end, was still unfair. effort has to be made, not just in love, but also in friendship.

last night, i was definitely wrong, and now that i realize how awkward it must’ve been for him, i feel ashamed. if ever i get through my shamefulness, i would probably tell him that i’m sorry… to have made him go through the temporary hell that i have known so well.

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“first love is such sweet despair, Collin.”

i have such an intense love-hate relationship with this movie, probably bordering more on the love, but nonetheless it wasn’t exactly an easy watch for me.

after three years that it has been out, i finally watched My Week With Marilyn, my main reason being the gorgeous Eddie Redmayne and amazing Judi Dench. but i soon was absorbed to the plot of the movie like i always do.

obviously like the rest of the world, i know who Marilyn Monroe was but i realized now that all i ever knew was that she was a sex symbol (she probably is still now) and that she died because of a medicine overdose. it didn’t register to me that she was a strange character, and probably as well in real life. of course everything in the movie was a portrayal of her, but it doesn’t come intuitively for me to sympathize on damsels in distress. unless they have a clear reason why they’re distressed, i don’t usually buy that choice of explanation. the thing about Marilyn is that she is loved by everyone.

but then what if the girl she is, is not Marilyn? then what if Marilyn is only a side of her that everyone loves? hence, the side of her that she decided to showcase. only then did i stopped to think that she might’ve actually been very lonely despite being loved, and only then can i finally understand that movie.

and of course i love Emma Watson. i always do. i’m just always having a big girl crush on her and i don’t think it’s going away soon. in this movie in particular, she played the character of Lucy, a costume girl who works on set with Collin (Eddie) and Marilyn (Michelle).

Lucy: “Did she break your heart?”

Collin: “A little.”

Lucy: “Good. It needed breaking.”

i especially love this line of her’s. although it is heartbreaking to see Eddie Redmayne heartbroken, but honestly i think this is a little common sense. nobody likes their heart broken, but once in a while, an arrogant heart needs breaking. and it’s just realistic that we don’t always get what we want.

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Perempuan

Perempuan Datang Atas Nama Cinta
Bunda Pergi Karena Cinta
Digenangi Air Racun Jingga Adalah Wajahmu
Seperti Bulan Lelap Tidur Di Hatimu
Yang Berdinding Kelam Dan Kedinginan,

Ada Apa Dengannya ?

Meninggalkan Hati Untuk Dicaci
Lalu Sekali Ini Aku Lihat Karya Surga
Dari Mata Seorang Hawa,

Ada Apa Dengan Cinta ?

Tapi Aku Pasti Akan Kembali Dalam Satu Purnama
Untuk Mempertanyakan Kembali Cintanya
Bukan Untuknya Bukan Untuk Siapa
Tapi Untukku…
Karena Aku Ingin Kamu
Itu Saja…

-Ada Apa Dengan Cinta

this poetry came from an Indonesian movie with a title, that if translated to English, is: What is Up with Love?

which probably is a bit cheesy considering, but may only be common sense because the main heroine’s name is… Love. So what is up with Love? What is up with her?

obviously, right now there are already many Indonesian movies surpassing this one in terms of style, content and presentation, and that it may be that cinematrography wise, this movie is shit just because it’s so old, but there is just an essence of loveliness  in this movie that makes me go back to it over and over again; and even after the nth time of watching it, i still find myself getting goosebumps, and in awe at how raw some of these poetries are.

definitely one of Indonesia’s best.

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