have you ever felt like the most inconsiderate person? you must have felt like that at least once in your life, right?
well i have… multiple times actually, but i was reminded of how it felt like last night.
i was late coming to the movies to begin with, and all the while he tried to make small talks with me hoping that it would not be awkward between us and oblivious to that, i did not make the effort to help him. probably because it wasn’t awkward for me, i liked going out with him, as friends. just as friends.
it was only after he walked me home and i went in my apartment that i realized… he knows a lot more shit about me than i know shit about him. i don’t know how he feels about me, but regardless of that, and regardless of how i feel about him, i should’ve tried harder… i think.
in my defense, i was just trying to be careful. it hasn’t been long since i last tried to recover and i’m not exactly in the mood to start something new yet. and it’s only been two weeks that i have finally started writing again, i’m not ready for another disappearance. (;
this might be one of the rare times that i am in the receiving end of a relationship, and not the other way around like how it has always been with me. and because of that, it made me think: “oh, was this how he treated me? was this how i eventually got hurt?” i should’ve known better having been through all of that, but i didn’t learn, and in the end, was still unfair. effort has to be made, not just in love, but also in friendship.
last night, i was definitely wrong, and now that i realize how awkward it must’ve been for him, i feel ashamed. if ever i get through my shamefulness, i would probably tell him that i’m sorry… to have made him go through the temporary hell that i have known so well.