From time to time, we are all unkind. At least, I know I am. In the heat of a moment, I forget that the person in front of me is wrestling with their own demons, trying to make it through the day; just trying to do their best. Sometimes I think we forget that the person we see in the mirror is trying to do their best too. And maybe if we learn to be kinder to ourselves, we’ll be kinder to others too.
i went lady dining with my best girlfriend yesterday after my Semantics finals, eating our sorrows away (she was just done with her PoliSci Middle Eastern finals) and talking about getting over a guy over Indian food in a little quaint restaurant on St. Laurent. she also just recently broke up with her boyfriend, and our talk basically continued on until a little after dessert where we shared a slice of brownie and a hot cup of Americano.
i told her about how i’m at that tipping point of moving on, and that i can finally, finally, see the end now. i have always been someone who gets emotionally attached, and my attachment can leech off a person who does not even keep in contact with me however pathetic that sounds. and i have been basically swimming in that green gross toxic ever since, and this might sound like a crap of bullshit but i really had no control on it whatsoever. it was disgustingly paralyzing and as much as the ability of liking someone else is beautiful, and i was never embarrassed of it, nor did i regret it, i didn’t like how liking him seemed like a switch on default.
after coming home from dinner, i realize just how many people are spending their whole lives going to the empty well of a mother, a father, a sister, a friend or even an ex or a crush from whom they’ve never really moved on from, and i have been one of those people for what seems like the longest time now. it is that constant fight for approval, and the subconscious determination of not giving in because there is always that glimmer of hope inside of you, that one day they might look for you instead; and even after that, after the relationship is finally established, how much you’re going to give… how much you’re willing to give into that relationship. it was always that notion of being scared to lose that person of whom you have cried a river of tears to be in a relationship with; it was that poisonous cycle of “love me, please” that you’ll never really recover from once you start.
ultimately, i’ve decided that it all stemmed from the fact that as long as we’re people, and as long as we’re human, we’ll long for approval. it is hard to accept that a community you have invested in will never reciprocate back the equivalent of what is your time, energy and effort. i know, and i’ve learned it the hard way of just how much moving on is so much against human nature; and how gross of a word is ‘moving on’? in its very essence, it is a phrase that contains the highest form of condescension, unrequitedness and probable rejections.
i liked that guy enough to think that he is worth the embarrassment of confessing first, and enduring that one bitter year of hoping and hoping again that one day he can stop and look back, but he never did. it also got to the point where i refrained from telling anybody anything and kept it all to myself regardless of how it destroyed me inside like an exploding hindenburg because i don’t want them to look at me with pity, and simply because desperation is ugly. what i was really doing was chasing after someone who in reality will never slow down for me, and knowing full well the ungracefulness and imbalance of my attempt to be ‘good enough for him’, i spared my friends the trouble of having to raise their shoulders and cringe.
this may not be the end of it. i may be able to move on now, but i will not know how many more relationships and human connectedness i will hold on to despite my mental health and self worth, and it will be up to my own discretion on where i set my own limits and boundaries. this is why you should never convince someone to love you, because if they do, then there will never be a fight of who loves who more, or who loves who first; they will just love, and that will be the end of it.
i have been trying to focus for the longest time now but i guess it’s just not working anymore. probably because it started snowing again in WordPress (yay for virtual snow even though there’s plenty out in MTL these days), and who doesn’t like snow that stays pretty and doesn’t get gross?
anyways i was trying to study for my Semantics finals tomorrow, and suddenly it just came to me that i want to be a bone marrow donor.
it’s December 4th, 2013; 10.16 PM and i pledge that if anyone needs my bone marrow, if someone out there is suffering from blood cancer and this doctor tells me that i’m the perfect match, i will give it to them. of course, finding a match for bone marrow is very difficult and it is not often that donors are contacted to donate their bone marrow, but it gives me the more reason to donate if i do get contacted.
growing up, i’ve always known that it’s not all about me, and i’ve decided that registering myself to be a donor will be one of those humbling experiences where i thank God for all the things that He’s done for me, and for His grace that up until this day, i’m still alive and well and healthy. and that i still have the opportunities that have been stripped off from a lot of people who are suffering from blood cancer.
maybe this is a new form of procrastination for me, because obviously i’m not enjoying my studies as much as i enjoy researching for information regarding bone marrow donation, but this is a promise that i intend to keep.
anyways, good night morning owls and night cats. i hope you had a lovely wednesday, or if you’re on the other side of the world, is having a wonderful thursday. i love you.
i wish feelings goes as fast as they come. it’s been a year… isn’t this enough?
he’s got a smart, beautiful girlfriend, i’m sure someone who suits him more than i do, and really i have no more business here; and like how we all make decisions, she was the one who he chose. it’s good that he knows what he wants, and i should be happy for him, even though what he wants isn’t essentially me.
however i feel so distant right now…. and lonely. and probably i would look back to this post a couple of years from now, married and with kids, and be like “i was a fucking idiot when i was 19.” but right now, this is the truth, and i cannot pretend that everything is okay.
i like him. i tried not liking him; i tried looking for distractions, i tried putting my thoughts elsewhere, but i miss him.
it’s funny to think that, right now, i don’t even know him, and he’s obviously taken, and i still have feelings for him. this is not me; at least this is not how i know myself, and i am scared because if he’s not going to make me a priority then i don’t want to make him an exception.
i know what i have to do, but it’s like that time when you have too many stuff to do at the same time that you don’t know where to start. i was angry when my first boyfriend dumped me for who used to be someone i regard as my best friend; and i swore from that point onwards that i will never be that girl who comes in the middle of a relationship because getting who i want is honestly not worth hurting someone else’s precious feelings, and i have to honour my word for that now. i know that despite this, i will still be sad when he graduates in less than a year, probably even broken hearted when he leaves for conscription, and that i will be the only one who knows about this because who cares about the feelings of a girl who doesn’t even matter to the guy she likes. right?
if i don’t want my life to be a melodrama, i will have to learn to give up. i will have to learn to give him up.
she is my hero.
it was only this morning that i thought today was going to be just another boring day with readings to catch up on and things to check off my to-do list but in four minutes of watching that video i was transformed. literally.
Angelina Jolie is a beautiful woman. she speaks eloquently of things that are not easily said for most people and with a grace that not all women have, she delivered her speech; but in the instant that she told her mini story, i was humbled in the most jarring way. i complained so much about pulling all nighters doing assignments, about how hard it is to get good grades in courses that i registered myself in, about an unrequited love that i consciously made… while there are hundreds of mothers out there in Syria who pulled all nighters out of fear that their child will die in the middle of the night in the limp embrace of their arms as they fell asleep, or if they survive for another day, what they would eat.
i am a petty human being.
in that four minutes i rediscover the responsibilities i have as a daughter to my parents, as a sister, as a friend, as a person, as a dreamer. but most of all, i was empowered as a girl striving to be the woman that she wants to be, and of the future mother she wants to become for her children.
i realize that i don’t want to lose sight of the bigger picture: that responsibilities to my grades are important, but so is my responsibility to my community, and that my time and energy will be better spent in strengthening other people rather than feeling sorry for myself.
okay, i know school is getting a teeny bit hectic (translation: a lot more hectic), and all nighters are more frequently pulled, and money is running out even though it’s not the end of the month yet, and phone bills are due, and rent fees are also due, and i’m stressed out because i realized that classes end in three weeks and that means finals… but if anything, i promise that i would stop feeling sorry for myself.
i live far away from home, and yes it’s getting cold (partly because of the weather, partly because of rockin’ the single life y’all ! ) and i miss my family A LOT, but at the same time i have the loveliest friends and amazing profs and courses that are challenging but that i actually enjoy.
there are already too many assholes out there who underestimated me and my abilities to be fucking awesome. the least that i can do is to not be an asshole to myself.
and i know that i’m cursing a lot lately, but i swear that it’ll only be temporary… it’s a bit rough up here, so bear with me. as for now, posts can be rated 19+ (:
love (even after all that negativity, still love, )
p.s. from that picture above, i realize i cannot draw perfect circles. but that’s okay.