when time stops.

IMG_4009.JPG

that moment when you sit overlooking a view and your iTunes plays the perfect song.

this was what i’m seeing right now. and the song that came up was Rachael Yamagata’s “Be Be Your Love”. suddenly everything was magical. in that static frame of my peripheral view the leaves look a little bit greener, the glasses of the building a little bit less harsh, and i could see the gentle breeze combing through the heads of the trees like the loving hand of a mother caressing her child.

it was a serene view, and i thank God for the blessings that i receive, yet again, today.

happy sunday everyone.

signature

intelligence and premed

swayed by “The Glass in the Park” by Alex Turner from his album Submarine on a quiet Friday early morning, i was still trying to get the earlier conversation i had with my friend out of my mind in order for me to get a good rest.

i didn’t know since when did this topic became a topic that i avoid, but there’s a part of me that felt really empty. and it felt like i just wanted to cry for that emptiness to be filled, but not just with anything, but with what used to be a part of me. i’m crying for it to come back- i felt really alienated sort of and it scares me how much that sense of alienation effects me.

intelligence have always been an identity to me. i’m not trying to brag, nor am i trying to prove a point, it was just is. my friends told me i’m intelligent, my parents did too, and my teachers did too, and at one point i just built myself upon that image of intelligence that i thought i have obtained and will always have. but to you little kids who have trespassed my blog, i’m telling you this right here right now: intelligence is a subjective relevancy that you can’t tamper with. if A has an IQ of 140 and B has an IQ of 128 then A is smarter. it’s just how the world works. of course, B can work its ass off and try as hard as it can to raise his quotient but B has to understand that A got it by nature, and he, by nurture. intelligence was a privilege i had from elementary all through high school, and a definition i’m grappling to hold onto in university.

that shattered me. at some point, if you’re not strong enough (and you’ll not be strong enough when you lose what you thought you were) you will break. and it will hurt, but now that i have went through it, it’s hard to admit that it was somehow necessary, but it was.

i have also always wanted to be a doctor since i was a small kid, but upon discovery that i have a fear of blood, followed my mom’s advice and resigned on thinking that i would even go to med school; and maybe i made the right choice. i love linguistics with all my heart and soul, but it would be a lie if i said i have never regretted not going into med school. i thought it was just a childish dream. after all, i’ve had that dream since i was four. but then i realize now how maybe a chunk of my brain, the aorta of my heart and half of my lungs might just be made of that dream of becoming a doctor.

i dont’ even know why i’m so upset about this. i’m a third year McGill student. I’ve made my choice, and there’s no way I can turn back now and do premed. but i am very upset to say the least, and all the what-ifs kept swimming in my head. sometimes i wished i could just muster up that little bit of courage that pushes me to still do premed regardless; and no matter how childish this post is, at 0253 in the morning i am a girl who is upset from the death of a dream that once defined me. very upset.

signature

“TRIAL BY TWITTER” my comment on cyber-bullying

after the Indonesian Event on Saturday (which went very well, i might actually write a post about it if i have time), i didn’t feel like doing anything; so naturally i didn’t and rested for a good whole day yesterday, probably regretting my decision in the near future. i haven’t even started doing my work and it’s now 7 PM. that is also bad.

however i just read one of the most thought provoking article on ELLE, this time not involving hair ideas or make-up tips or relationship advices. it’s a story about a young teenage girl who died at the hands of her so called ‘best friends’. i read it out of curiosity, but the further i read it the more scary that simple article became, and scary exactly because Skylar (the girl who was killed, may she RIP) could be anyone, including me.

having the whole incident revolving around social media, it reminded me of how frightening and fatal the cyber world is. the old school bullies at school used to write names of people they hate in this ‘blacklist notebook’, and sometimes even in small pieces of paper torn from their assignments to be distributed to the whole class. but there is only so much to a human’s mind and the restrictive limitations to a person’s brain space that always helps with, at least overcoming a little of these horrid memories; but names and writings and impressions written on social media are kept in online archives people don’t even know how to delete. at a click of a button other people can easily access moments which are utterly embarrassing or traumatizing to one’s lives. i’m not saying that it makes old school bullying ‘okay’, in fact i’m just emphasizing how bullying, especially through social media, can be even more dangerous than it already is.

being a survivor of bullying myself, i more than understand how it feels to be in Skylar’s position. i can talk about it freely now but then, it was not even a subject i wanted to think about. it was mean and not funny, and definitely not something that you bring about and joke around with your friends. bullying is a serious problem: it’s the exclusivity of a social circle that has a high potential of creating trauma, insecurities and even depression towards other people.

a particular paragraph that hurts me the most is this: ” “They asked us if we wanted her possessions, and I said, ‘Yeah, I want everything I can get.’ And I gotta admit, I was so, so hoping, just by some small inkling, maybe this isn’t her stuff. But when I saw the bra, even caked with mud and leaves, I said, ‘Yep, that’s my baby’s.’ “ ” that was a testimony of Skylar’s mother when her daughter’s body was found, her head already disengaged from her body. bullying (and especially extreme cases of it, including murder) affects not only the person bullied, but also their family. it is a spiderweb effect that is created simply because we do not live alone in this world and a civilization is not made up of just us as individuals.

the bad part is, in today’s world a lot of people know that it is not okay to bully, but they don’t always necessarily understand why. 

this is my 2 cents on the matter: no, it is NOT OKAY, because everyone has a god-forsaken right to be loved.

to continue reading about Skylar’s stories, click here:

http://www.elle.com/life-love/society-career/skylar-neese-disappearance-twitter-6

signature

another crying episode

today was another busy day. having slept at three last night, i had to wake up early to meet with the Minister of Social Affairs of Indonesia who is currently here in Montreal doing some collaboration work with McGill. And then afterwards I basically walked all over campus posting up posters for my Indonesian event and then headed up to the Education building for my 3 hour lecture. After that was done, I had to run back down and print brochures for the event and then finally headed to the library for a one and a half hour long meeting- and then after the meeting we practiced our performance for the event. it seems like my life has been revolving around the event for some time, and now that the event is just two more days, it feels like that’s all there is to me: that event, and the success of that event.

and then i’m home now, spent a good hour on my laptop just procrastinating with my make up still on, stumbled across this video and cried.

no matter how hard your life is, it’s a relief to know that people are still kind. that we are human for a reason, and despite whatever evil things that we do, we still have kindness in within us.

signature