everything in perspective

Lady Liu, the wife of His Excellency Xie, did not allow her husband to keep any concubines. But His Excellency was a great lover of women, and finding it impossible to control his desires, wanted to purchase a large number of concubines and performers. His cousins, who knew only too well of his intentions, tried to persuade Lady Liu to be somewhat more accommodating. They said to her: “The Osprey’s and ‘Locusts’ praise the virtue of not being jealous.” Lady Liu, aware of what they were up to, asked: “Who was the author of the Odes?” They replied: “The Duke of Zhou!” Lady Liu then said: “The Duke of Zhou was a man and wrote in defense of his own interests. If the Odes had been written by his wife, words such as these would not be found in the canon.”

THIS.

my friend once asked me if i would be okay with an open relationship and i told him that i do not share. when he asked me if it was more of a possessive thing or a moral thing, i told him i didn’t know. but if a woman can be entitled to her opinion in the era of concubinage then i am too. this is amazing.

signature

faulty

and i thought i was over you; and i thought i have packed all the little dusty petty feelings i have for you in the nooks and crannies of my heart into a treasure box that i decide will not be precious to me; and i thought i will be strong enough to see you without crying but when i saw you again… i shattered.

i wasn’t done; my walls aren’t stronger than i thought it was; i didn’t know it was made of glass that pricks and tear at my muscles instead; but in the middle of my rage i realize again that it is (again and again and again) my fault. you are just naturally a heartbreaker, and it doesn’t matter if everyone says you’re the sweetest guy on earth, or if you are smart as hell with your 4.0 GPA in neuroscience, or if i find you good looking or just fucking perfect. you are the one who broke my heart, and i am still a bitter little snotty brat because i am not over you. as much as i am ashamed to admit it;

you don’t want me, so why should i still want you? i know these are feelings and that feelings are not really up to me–i’ve heard about it from everyone at this point; but i don’t fucking care how beautiful it is: the notion how the sea will always kiss the shore no matter how many times it is sent away, i don’t want to be that fucking sea. i don’t want to always come to you when you’re always pushing me away. i’m not mighty enough or confident enough or shameless enough to go back to the place where i wanted to run away from. i am not that sea, but that constant drip of water from a faucet that wasn’t closed properly. i am at that point where i can’t fulfill an expectation that is beyond me, even if i want to.

i know that liking someone is not a bad thing; i established that; i live that; i breathe that. but your girlfriend’s perfect, and i’m still meaty on my sides, and she’s not. in the midst of my insecurity, i backed away knowing that you’re happy, and telling myself that it is my godforsaken right to be loved like a chant. if we’re to meet again, who knows if i’ll actually try again, but as of this encounter, as of now… it was my pleasure to meet you. if these emotions were to come again, however, i’m not holding on to it. i will welcome it and let it through, because this too, will pass.

signature

“We are all in the same boat, in a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty.” – G.K. Chesterton

when i told my mom i want to make her proud, and that what i said was the truth, she disregarded me every time. she said, more than anything, she wanted me to be good.

and of course, i disregarded what she said as well, being under the impression that she’s my mom and no mothers would want their child to be a fugitive, or i guess, a bad person. even now, i would go as far as to say that she might not even understand how important her words are to me, but i’m always thankful that she said it nonetheless.

it might not even be the first time that i’m writing about this. i must’ve wrote about this before, and for a couple of times at that. but in 2014 i find myself again being drawn by the gravity by what it means to be good. the choice to be a little kinder, and a little softer to your friends and even to the people who you’ve only met for the first time today, knowing that they must have their own cross to carry is very much a humbling and maturing experience. i wake up everyday being a lot more grateful than i ever was, and happier.

and if it makes any sense at all, it makes me feel more real. real was not how you were born, but what happened to you. when you know that you love people, and that people love you… and maybe it’s just me but i’ve been walking around with my heart on my sleeves and i don’t mind being hurt… because you know that no one will intentionally try to hurt you, and that the people who do are people who are themselves confused on how to heal the wounds that wouldn’t dry.

signature

From time to time, we are all unkind. At least, I know I am. In the heat of a moment, I forget that the person in front of me is wrestling with their own demons, trying to make it through the day; just trying to do their best. Sometimes I think we forget that the person we see in the mirror is trying to do their best too. And maybe if we learn to be kinder to ourselves, we’ll be kinder to others too.

-Anonymous

reciprocity

i went lady dining with my best girlfriend yesterday after my Semantics finals, eating our sorrows away (she was just done with her PoliSci Middle Eastern finals) and talking about getting over a guy over Indian food in a little quaint restaurant on St. Laurent. she also just recently broke up with her boyfriend, and our talk basically continued on until a little after dessert where we shared a slice of brownie and a hot cup of Americano.

i told her about how i’m at that tipping point of moving on, and that i can finally, finally, see the end now. i have always been someone who gets emotionally attached, and my attachment can leech off a person who does not even keep in contact with me however pathetic that sounds. and i have been basically swimming in that green gross toxic ever since, and this might sound like a crap of bullshit but i really had no control on it whatsoever. it was disgustingly paralyzing and as much as the ability of liking someone else is beautiful, and i was never embarrassed of it, nor did i regret it, i didn’t like how liking him seemed like a switch on default.

after coming home from dinner, i realize just how many people are spending their whole lives going to the empty well of a mother, a father, a sister, a friend or even an ex or a crush from whom they’ve never really moved on from, and i have been one of those people for what seems like the longest time now. it is that constant fight for approval, and the subconscious determination of not giving in because there is always that glimmer of hope inside of you, that one day they might look for you instead; and even after that, after the relationship is finally established, how much you’re going to give… how much you’re willing to give into that relationship. it was always that notion of being scared to lose that person of whom you have cried a river of tears to be in a relationship with; it was that poisonous cycle of “love me, please” that you’ll never really recover from once you start.

ultimately, i’ve decided that it all stemmed from the fact that as long as we’re people, and as long as we’re human, we’ll long for approval. it is hard to accept that a community you have invested in will never reciprocate back the equivalent of what is your time, energy and effort. i know, and i’ve learned it the hard way of just how much moving on is so much against human nature; and how gross of a word is ‘moving on’? in its very essence, it is a phrase that contains the highest form of condescension, unrequitedness and probable rejections.

i liked that guy enough to think that he is worth the embarrassment of confessing first, and enduring that one bitter year of hoping and hoping again that one day he can stop and look back, but he never did. it also got to the point where i refrained from telling anybody anything and kept it all to myself regardless of how it destroyed me inside like an exploding hindenburg because i don’t want them to look at me with pity, and simply because desperation is ugly. what i was really doing was chasing after someone who in reality will never slow down for me, and knowing full well the ungracefulness and imbalance of my attempt to be ‘good enough for him’, i spared my friends the trouble of having to raise their shoulders and cringe.

this may not be the end of it. i may be able to move on now, but i will not know how many more relationships and human connectedness i will hold on to despite my mental health and self worth, and it will be up to my own discretion on where i set my own limits and boundaries. this is why you should never convince someone to love you, because if they do, then there will never be a fight of who loves who more, or who loves who first; they will just love, and that will be the end of it.

signature

it’s amazing how insignificant we all are, yet we can still play a part to better this soft and broken, but beautiful world.

i have been trying to focus for the longest time now but i guess it’s just not working anymore. probably because it started snowing again in WordPress (yay for virtual snow even though there’s plenty out in MTL these days), and who doesn’t like snow that stays pretty and doesn’t get gross?

anyways i was trying to study for my Semantics finals tomorrow, and suddenly it just came to me that i want to be a bone marrow donor.

it’s December 4th, 2013; 10.16 PM and i pledge that if anyone needs my bone marrow, if someone out there is suffering from blood cancer and this doctor tells me that i’m the perfect match, i will give it to them. of course, finding a match for bone marrow is very difficult and it is not often that donors are contacted to donate their bone marrow, but it gives me the more reason to donate if i do get contacted.

growing up, i’ve always known that it’s not all about me, and i’ve decided that registering myself to be a donor will be one of those humbling experiences where i thank God for all the things that He’s done for me, and for His grace that up until this day, i’m still alive and well and healthy. and that i still have the opportunities that have been stripped off from a lot of people who are suffering from blood cancer.

maybe this is a new form of procrastination for me, because obviously i’m not enjoying my studies as much as i enjoy researching for information regarding bone marrow donation, but this is a promise that i intend to keep.

anyways, good night morning owls and night cats. i hope you had a lovely wednesday, or if you’re on the other side of the world, is having a wonderful thursday. i love you.

signature