roommates

as you all have known from my previous blog posts, college life is definitely a point of rediscovery in my life. i learned a lot of new things, but also rediscovered a lot of old important values and beliefs–and now that it is #backtoschool season (with necessary hashtags), yet again, i think it appropriate to mention this in my blog at least once. 

three months before i walked out of rez in first year, i was confident that i wanted to live alone. having had roommate problems during that year, i thought i have had enough and felt that i needed some time on my own. so i settled with the idea of having a cute little 3 1/2 or even 2 1/2 to myself and have some unlimited and liberal me-time when i’m home in my quaint little cozy apartment. but then along the way, it dawned on me that living alone might be a little scary. because even though it is not a terrible case of depression or anything, i do get terribly homesick sometimes and i also get panic attacks when i’m stressed so i changed my mind in the last minute and ended up third wheeling these people who lived across from my room during first year. it turned out to be the best decision of my life. 

today was not a good day and i could feel it the second i woke up. it was good ol’ period cramps- even though it may be a little personal, but this part of the story is essential. i forgot my advil at west island, an hour commute away from downtown montreal. and an hour after i was done skyping with my mom, the cramps got so horrendous that i can do nothing about it anymore. so i just laid there on my bed like a little sick child and did nothing for what seemed like hours. but both fiona and rebecca are darlings. fiona and rebecca are my roommates for a year and a half now and they have repeatedly made me so glad that i jumped the roommate wagon. i’m now writing with my stomach full and warm, both thanks to my roommate– if it wasn’t for fiona’s cooking and rebecca’s hot pack i would probably still feel like i was dying on a cold rainy sunday night. they took good care of me, and they made me feel so loved (:  

people say that you appreciate the good things you have been blessed with a lot more when you are in a bad situation, and as cliche as it is, it is true. i realize more than ever now that although a lot of compromises had to be made while living together with someone else who might just be at the very beginning, practically strangers to you, it is human interaction that you need. i am saying this just as a general assumption… it’s true that not everyone needs a roommate and that you can get human interactions anywhere, but even though having roommates is a tricky affair, i’m glad i made the decision to have one (or two!) because they are just such easy access to connectedness and camaraderie when they are people who, like me, are also struggling with the same things at the same time (e.g. finals); 

both of my roommates are definitely worth the shot. 

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why procrastination?

having written so many blog posts about procrastination, it shows just how much i procrastinated. the amount of hours spent in trying to make the layouts of a blog post look pretty but professional can actually be spent in trying to finish up an essay that i have been pushing back for the whole weekend. guilt acknowledged. you might even ask if i’m writing this blog post out of procrastination… thankfully not, as i’m just using my time wisely while supervising a class full of students taking the French Placement Tests in McGill. (:  baby steps in overcoming this seemingly everlasting dispute. 

but in most of my hours procrastinating, i’ve also questioned procrastination. why do i procrastinate?

i’m not sure how many people would identify with my problems, but i’m often very excited to start a new project. i am thrilled with the idea of having to ‘work’ on something new, to work alongside amazing people, whether old or new, and i’m just happy to know that i’ll have something to do, because i have always been someone who gets nervous with ‘unemployment’ (probably scared she’ll become a fat kid, eating way too many chips and being a couch potato). 

i’m always there watching Korean dramas about lovers who found out that they are in reality siblings, thinking of where it went wrong, and when exactly did all of that excitement turn into non-excitements. because i’m pretty sure somewhere along the way, i decided that i’m not looking forward to the new project anymore, or that i’m not looking forward to do the assignment that i was once so interested in anymore. 

but after what may be a shitload of procrastination hours, i think i finally found the answer. it was the perfectionist trait. it has always been the perfectionist trait. perfectionists, as is defined by the word ‘perfect’ and ‘perfection’ likes to be ready when they are faced with any task whatsoever. and of course, i want to do the stuff that i’m so excited about perfectly, and there is no way that i’m screwing up that amazing paper that i have envisioned for the whole week.

 that is where the satanic circle starts. 

there’s this hitch on thinking too much and doing too little… i got caught up in this fantasy of starting a new project and finishing it brilliantly when i forget to actually start. i finally realized that instead of a mature preparation, the right timing is more important. because a lot of people think that starting a project that has been planned for long without fully preparing themselves are not a good idea, but honestly, the right timing is hard to come by.

and what is the right timing if you may ask? it’s just whenever. but for perfectionists, the right timing has always been that point in space and time that they can never come back to. it’s like a timeline that does not rewind, and then they’re stuck in the future, their grand master plan a failure because it’s not perfect anymore. and since it’s not perfect, they find no reason to continue, or rather, start. so the marvelous plan stayed as a plan, and nothing was done about it until deadlines are around the corner and what is produced is a shitty piece of font 12 document that the professors and TAs are not impressed about.

having discovered this, i’m not saying that i’m fully healed. i’m still in the process of recovery, trying to catch myself in the brink of procrastination and telling myself that perfection isn’t everything if you couldn’t even start the damn thing. what really helps is to imagine my life in a timeline. of the things that i’ve done, and the things that i will be doing, but definitely also about the present. understand that if you don’t do it now, you could always do it five minutes later, but also know that five minutes later you might regret that you didn’t do it now. and throughout your life of procrastination, imagine all the hard work that you have put in in the past and how all of that will come to waste if you procrastinate even for just a minute. 

all of that comes down to just doing it. perfection comes only in the finishing touches. 

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“you will be shocked kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. that’s why, when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it.”

there has been a lot of things that i learnt since i turned twenty last July. but nothing rang so true as this quote right here that i just had to comment about it/ to find excuses to write on my blog about it. 

i have had the chance to meet so many amazing people. even though i can only vaguely remember, my first kindergarten friends must have been an awesome bunch. and then there comes elementary, middle school and high school… and of course, bittersweet encounters with people whom i might not have particularly liked, but learnt a lot from during those times of ‘turmoil’. i especially remember those times when i still had swimming lessons with my (then) best friend, Tiffany, who now lives in the states and is a professional athlete. i heard that she went into college with a swimming scholarship and i was so damn proud of her… but that’s it. i couldn’t congratulate her, i couldn’t tell her how i am so happy for her, nothing. and that’s because those are only the things that i heard from other people, and not from her. 

twenty is not a long time considering the years that other people have lived, but even in those twenty years, i somehow managed to lose the people who were once so close to me. who once meant the whole world to me. if i were to go back to when i was still six years old, Tiffany would probably be the slice of processed cheese to my cheeseburger. like it wouldn’t be a cheeseburger without her, it would just be burger. but now, i’m sadly surprised to see that i’m actually fine not being in touch with her. 

well, maybe i’m not fine. maybe there’s this little part of me (some little Victoria) that was traumatized by having to lose her friendship, but just like baby teeth, i’m slowly losing parts of me i thought i needed, but didn’t. and i don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but it does sometimes make me sad. 

this is however a good reminder for me to always try and make an effort to keep relationships that i treasure. good friends, amazing professors, my sisters, my parents, my family… i think people who have done good to you deserves your effort of trying to keep them in your lives. 

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NCG

that night, i’m happy i went. i don’t think i will forget that night for a very long time… or i might not even forget about it at all. this could be the trashiest talk i have ever made here (haha)(in the midst of all of my reflections and drawings)(seriously though) but it might honestly be just one of the best nights i have spent living in Montreal; and i thought listening to this type of music for 3 hours straight would be impossible, but it seems like i’m taking a liking to dubstep music now.

Skrillex killed it.

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compassion hurts.

when you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. and you cannot turn away. your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. you must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. you must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.

 

-Andrew Boyd.

hanya teman

cantik bukanlah kata yang tepat untuk mendeskripsikan perasaan saat ia menyandar di dadaku dengan mata terpejam.

“your heart’s beating so fast.”

komentarnya yang asal keluar pun terdengar lucu. padahal sebenarnya aku kok sepertinya biasa-biasa saja. sambil melihat-lihat posting instagram, tangan kiriku mengelus kepalanya sesuai dengan permintaannya. aneh, bagaimana cepatnya aku bisa terbiasa dengan sebuah keadaan yang tidak pernah aku alami sebelumnya. namun walaupun begitu, perasaanku sampai disitu saja. entah mengapa hubungan antara aku dan dia hanya sebatas itu: sebuah kedekatan.

ada hormon yang disebutkan dengan oxytocin. oxytocin ini bekerja dalam berbagai macam situasi seperti perkenalan, pendekatan, dan pair bonding. tapi mau sekuat atau sedewa apapun hormon ini, pengaruhnya hanya sampai disitu saja: pendekatan.

dan yang aku rindukan adalah rasa sayang, bukan kedekatan belaka. sekarang, tidak ada orang yang tahu sebagaimana besar keinginanku untuk menyukainya lebih dari apa yang aku rasakan. dia hanyalah seorang teman yang baik, dan mungkin tidak akan lebih dari itu.

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