it blows my mind that after all this time you’ve spent on earth, nobody ever bothered to tell you that your eyes aren’t fucking brown.

they are copper against honey and sage and when they water they glow, two perfect orbs the same shade as nature after it rains.

you’re not as simple as they wanted you to be.

-Anonymous

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until now.

it was the day before halloween when Vivienne had to let James go.

and she guessed it was probably because the distance was too wide, both spatially and temporally; maybe it was just a gap too wide to bridge, and they both can’t do anything about it.

like a guardian angel, Kim, her best friend who hasn’t been in touch with her for so long, texted her out of the blue and they talked- embracing each other through social media. Vivienne was really glad she didn’t have to feel alone during that time. to be honest, she did feel like shit, and all she wanted to do was take the hottest shower ever known to mankind and wash away all the sadness and gunk in her eyes. Vivienne knew she wouldn’t be out of that unscathed, and she was right. her heart was broken, and it was time to go down the trip back to the store to get that super glue she hasn’t purchased for a long time now.

Kim told her that at least Vivienne had the memories, and that she could look back to it and thought it was good that it happened. Viv thought the same way too, even though she knew the longer she tries to recall a memory, the closer it gets to being a lie.

they went to the niagara falls once on an impromptu trip to Toronto, and watched an indie band there while waiting for the fireworks to appear, drinking Tim Horton’s hot chocolate because it was freezing cold and they were wearing shorts. Viv was scared that if she tried to remember that moment, she might thought it was black coffee that they drank. and then if she tried to remember again, she’d forget how cold it was. and then if she tried to remember again, she’d forget that the 10 minute firework ever happened. and then if she tried to remember again, she’d forget that they even went to the falls in the first place. because that is the very nature of memories… some people may argue that it lasts forever, and it may last forever. it’s just that there will be things you messed up every time you try to recall that memory. and Viv knows that. it’s just a truth people can’t deny that memories get fabricated the harder they strive to not let it go.

so maybe Viv is just going to let herself cry that night. it was lovely while it lasted after all.

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clean linen.

i am so happy that i washed my sheets last weekend.

there’s nothing like hugging fresh clean blankets when you’re having a hard time. i woke up monday morning (today) bright and early; at 715AM i am already in on my homework, cooking rice while i’m at it and skype-ing with my sister.

it’s her turn to go to uni, and she’s now staying in Sydney for the next two and half years now until she graduates. but the thing about talking on skype is that a lot of things get unsaid, and a lot of arguments get heated so quickly you try to cut over the other person while your internet lags. it is not the most fun or efficient way of communication. my sister and i are both hard-headed. in a debate, we don’t go well against each other, and because of that we usually try to see each other’s perspective on things, compromising ideas and settling for the most convincing side. that’s why although we’re different, we usually like the same things and see the same way; however, after a misunderstanding that ensued, we ended it at a less than desirable click of a button. and somehow it made me feel very lonely. you just never get used to it.

my roommates are struggling with midterms right now so they can care less about my problems, and what bothers me. mom, dad and Raissa are back in Indonesia, finally going back to their daily routine. Anie, is at Sydney, probably a little homesick but having the time of her life over there, and Jordan is at South Korea, too busy with his own life for me to force him to understand. and i wonder why i am so far away from the people that i love, and that i care about. and why despite trying my hardest to stay in contact, at the end of it i am just left exhausted from trying.

i am not complaining though… this is merely a thought that i wanted to share. i am okay because i’m very aware that things could be so much worse, but just the fact that the promise of it getting better is there, i know i’ll be okay.

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latte romance

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another sunday has arrived, and like last sunday and every other sundays, signifies the passing of a week and the coming of yet another week.

my sunday has been exhausting thus far. from early in the morning, i had to hop on a train to west island; it’s Eid-ul Adha for my muslim friends here (Happy Eid-ul Adha to all of you celebrating (; ) and i went to go socialize with people that i haven’t seen for a long time. it was fun… i’ve always had fun when i’m with them- but the twenty minute train ride was tiring, and i don’t know what’s up with me and transportations, but i always find myself dead tired after riding the train or when i’ve metro-ed or bus-ed for too long. and don’t even bother to mention planes. walking though… doesn’t make me tired. (well walking to a certain extent) i love walking, but i couldn’t possibly walk to west island, it’s just physically impossible.

anyways, i’m back downtown now and after two train rides i feel pretty stumped (i don’t know how people who live ridiculously far from campus do it) and was on my way to the student lounge to nap when i decided that i wanted to be romanced. there’s also the weather that might’ve swayed me into wanting to indulge myself. it’s a bit chilly today, but definitely not a cold that makes your nostrils freeze- today gives us people of Montreal just the right amount of coldness that flushes your cheeks (before it felt like hell has frozen over). AND it’s sunday.

it basically is the perfect sunday afternoon where you get the right amount of wind and sunshine… who doesn’t want to be romanced.

but Jordan is halfway across the world from me, and probably still sleeping right now since he usually only wakes up an hour and a half before his lecture starts, providing him just enough time to commute and make it to school on time. i can bet my liver that romance isn’t exactly what he has in mind right now, and he’s probably worried sick about his schoolwork more than anything else- so instead i went to a quiet little cafe near campus where the walls and the ceilings are entirely made of glass, separated only by metal frames, and sat with my latte just listening to whatever music on my iTunes. that cup of latte is my date for the afternoon, and that in itself was enough romance for me to last another week.

sometimes we forget to be grateful for the little things that we already have; just because it’s little, it doesn’t mean it’s not substantial. i can be a bitch and rant about how this long distance relationship is not just about how far Jordan and I are physically, but how great our time difference is, and basically go on and on and on about it like an ungrateful brat. but honestly, i think it’s important for people to be happy with themselves and be content with their own presence, because at the very end, you’re your only lifelong friend- you’re all you’ll ever have and it’s about time that people realize, and be thankful for that.

anyways. going to meet my friend soon for yet another library date. peace-ing out,

have a happy sunday loves.

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loving life.

“There have been very good parts and very bad parts, but in the end, I love life. Every night before I sleep, I ask God for three more years, so that I can make it an even one hundred. Then I recite a blessing that my mother gave me when I left her in Poland. It was the last time I saw her. The blessing is much more powerful in Hebrew, but it says: ‘Wherever you go, may people always recognize that you have a beautiful heart.’”

(Jerusalem)

credit: Humans of New York

it’s finally close to the end for Thursday- (where did the week go?) but i’m not complaining. i feel like i need the weekend to unwind and clean up a few things (a lot of things) in my apartment; but i’m now here waiting for my post-colonialism korean cinema class, thinking that i should probably do some readings before the screening of the movie 서편제(translated to English as Peppermint Candy), but of course did otherwise and ended up checking facebook and procrastinating my precious time away.

however i ran across one of these HONY posts. side note: i’ve been hearing a lot of people say HONY up to the point where i thought “wow, that’s such an interesting name for a blog… hone-ey” when i found out that it was actually a short for Humans of New York, i could’ve sworn i saw that much anticipated “Aha!” bubble squeezing out of my scalp. i was just too slow.

anyways, back to the reason why i’m writing this blogpost at the first place: i was touched by the story of that old woman. there’s a lot of things that strikes me so hard, like the fact that she never met her mother ever again after that goodbye. i personally couldn’t imagine being deprived of meeting my mom for the rest of my life. but the three little words that made me think was this: “i love life” and how she asked God to give her three more years for her to live and experience life.

the problem is this. What if I end up loving life too much? What if we all end up loving life too much that we forget that living is not the end but a means of achieving the end? Having been brought up in a catholic family, i believe in heaven, and of a life after death. but as a child (and being deprived of sweets and all those things that are bad for your health) i have always pictured heaven as consisting of ice cream mountains and liquid chocolate rivers and edible flowers growing at the sides of the river, which can double up as a cup at times where you want to drink that delectable chocolat. and then when i was a teen i realized how a picture of heaven that i have is so much like earth, and more so, filled with earthly pleasures that i wanted as a child. how can i be so confident what heaven would look like? if i would say now that i love to breathe (no duh, right? who doesn’t like to breathe.), how can i be so confident that heaven would even have air?

i have always had my faith installed in me by default, but at the same time now that i’m older, i have kept that faith as a choice of my own though there are some things that i have always questioned implicitly. this is the first time that i’m writing about it.

what if we end up loving life too much? what if at the end we love life more than we love God? what if in the process of trying to live life to the fullest we end up doing things which are sacrilegious? (hypothetically things like sex before marriage, etc. etc.) i might have worded the last question a bit too poorly because of course you don’t have to be inclined to do things which are religiously forbidden to live life to the fullest, but that is just a gist that i wanted to throw out. as a catholic, i have kept my faith, but i wouldn’t lie and say that i have always believed in them. i have questioned them over and over again, and i think it is normal, for me and also for other people to always question their faith- in that they try to consciously understand the path that they choose, instead of blindly accepting what they were given.

what if we love life too much that we sin? 

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